One Day Page #5

Look, I am having fun,

that's all.

I've been through

a lot recently.

I might get

a bit carried away,

but if you wouldn't

stop getting at me...

Am I?

I don't mean to, and I...

I know that you've been through a

lot with your mum and all, I know.

But, there are things that I

needed to talk to you about.

About how I am

stuck in this flat

with a man that I am

not in love with.

And if I can't talk to you, then

what is the point of you? Of us?

What do you mean,

"What's the point?"

I think we've outgrown each other.

No, you have outgrown me. You

think I'm uncool and dreary.

I don't think

you're dreary. Em...

I think if it's over, then we should

just face facts. Say goodbye.

It sounds like you're dumping me.

Yeah, maybe I am.

You're not who you used to be.

Come on, Em.

Look, I apologize!

Please.

Come on. That's it.

There.

I love you, Dexter. So much.

I just don't like you anymore.

I'm sorry.

Johnny Cage wins.

That's an almighty win

from the Blade Cruisers there.

I think you'll all agree.

Well done, guys.

That's all from tonight's Joy Stick Jockeys.

Join us next week

when we review the smoking

hot new console games coming at you.

Until then, night owls, keep gaming.

Do I really have to

say "smoking hot"?

It's just I'm 32,

for God's sake.

What, they're sacking me?

You see, sack has

negative connotations.

It's just they wanna

try a new presenter.

So they are sacking me?

Well, no, they're taking the

show in a different direction,

but it's a direction

away from you.

Okay, so less you now.

Okay.

More you in your 20s.

Right. Right.

So, what's the good news?

Sorry?

Well, you said you had some bad news.

What's the good news?

Every career has

its ups and downs.

This is just a bloody great down.

And I sense a bit of

disenchantment, Dexy.

Just a little concerned

about my future.

It's not quite

what I was expecting.

The future never is. That's what

makes it so bloody exciting!

Everyone loves you, yeah?

But they love you in that ironic,

love-to-hate kind of way.

Right?

And all that we need to do

is just find someone

that loves you for real.

Okay?

Yeah.

I love you, Sylvie.

No, no, wait.

No, I'm in love with you.

Look, I've never said

this to anyone before.

Well, that's a lie. Um...

I love you, Sylvie. I...

Sylvie tells me you used

to be quite well known.

TV presenter or something.

I did. Yeah.

Once upon a time.

Yes, on Larginit. That program.

Do you remember, Mummy?

You used to really hate it.

Yes.

"Turn it off," she used to say.

"Turn it off. It's

killing your brain cells."

That was you, was it?

You still work

in television, Dexter?

Not so much, no. That sort

of drifted away, really.

Uh-huh.

Dexter's just being modest.

He gets lots of offers.

Anyway, what he really

wants to do is produce.

Party games.

Are you there, Moriarty?

Here.

Two for two,

nice work, bro.

Going for a hat trick.

Are you there, Moriarty?

Here.

The crowd goes wild!

There's my boy!

Better luck next time, son.

Thank you.

Well, I'm still

very proud of you.

Oh, isn't this fun?

Dexter, care to take me on?

Oh, no.

That's a terrific idea.

Darling, are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Come on, chap.

Pick up your weapon.

Nice and tight, Mum.

All right?

All right.

Very good. We don't

want you cheating.

Good luck.

All right.

Come on, sis.

All right, ready?

As ready as I'll...

Good God, man! What the hell

do you think you're doing?

That table was from Italy.

I'm so sorry.

I must have just caught her

at a funny angle there.

You didn't even ask

if she was there, Moriarty.

I know. I know. I'm so sorry. Look,

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wanker!

Serves me right

for not changing the locks.

Looking good, Ian.

You can get stuffed, Emma.

Is that from your act?

No, though I have got this new

thingI've been working on.

God.

I come on, and I say,

"Here's a funny story. You'll like this."

Ian.

"There's this guy,

"and he's going out with this girl,

and he worships her,

"and they buy

this flat together.

"And then he gets her

an engagement ring, the lot.

"It turns out that she is still

in love with her best friend."

Interesting theory, Ian, except

I've not seen Dexter for ages.

No?

That is not the reason.

Do you know how he found out about it?

He read it in her poetry.

You bastard!

Give it back to me!

"Our graduation night!

"The erotic intensity

of the shared bed."

"That magic week in France."

It's all here in blank verse.

If you ever, ever, come in

here again I will call the police!

Call the bloody police!

It's my flat, too!

Is it? I paid the mortgage!

You just sat around farting and

watching the bloody wrath of Khan!

You love The wrath of Khan.

I hate The wrath of Khan.

It's a good job

we didn't get married.

I'm sorry about going

through all your stuff.

I've just been a bit mad

recently, that's all.

It's all right.

I miss you.

I know you do.

Like, right here.

Either that, or it's trapped wind.

I'm not sure.

Either way, it'll pass.

It's good, by the way.

Not the poems.

The poems are awful,

but the rest of the stuff,

the stories. You're funny.

Proper funny.

Not like me.

Ian.

No, I'm just saying that you

should show them to someone,

because you're

better than you know.

Oh!

So that's Emma Morley.

We went to university together.

Did you sleep with her as well?

No.

What about the bride?

No.

God, what is this?

It's just that every weekend

we go to a wedding

with a coachload of people

that you've slept with.

It's like a conference.

Okay. Come on.

You know you're the

only one for me now.

You are. Come on,

come here. Come here.

Hummus wraps.

Organic smoothies.

Fair Trade coffees.

Crayfish. Dex, people go crazy

for the little buggers.

I've got 12 branches already.

Twelve more by the end of the year.

Well, you know,

there's a rumor going around

that you're actually

a multi millionaire.

Come on.

Well, define multi.

You should come and have lunch.

We should talk.

What, are you

offering me a job?

No, I'm just saying...

You are, aren't you?

You're offering me a job.

Look, I haven't seen you

on telly for a while.

I thought if you

wanted a fresh start...

Callum, mate.

Mate, mate, mate.

At university, you wore

the same pair of jeans for...

What was it, four years?

Long time ago now, pal.

We're not students anymore.

Someone seems

to be enjoying it.

Look, look over here.

Have you seen Emma Morley?

Right under our noses

all this time. Eh?

Who knew?

I sit and wait

Does an angel

Contemplate my fate

Do they know

I tell you, the one discovery

changed my life.

Crayfish.

I've got 12 branches already.

Another 12 by the end of the year.

I was telling Dexter there's

plenty of opportunities.

Darling, I'll be back in a bit.

Do you want some champagne?

It's not champagne.

It's Spanish.

when I'm lying in my bed

Thoughts running

through my head

And I feel that love is dead

I'm loving angels instead

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