Our Idiot Brother Page #3

Thank you.

- Excuse me, ladies...

- Jesus.

Ah!

- Man...

- It hurts.

- It does. It does, God!

- I know.

I think I need leg warmers.

- My Croc is stuck.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Is this joker bothering you?

No, not at all. He's very cute.

He's pretty funny.

You wanna go grab the bags,

take them down to the car?

Sure. I told her

you're my brother-in-law.

She didn't know you were married.

- Oh.

- No.

You gotta look at this thing she can do

with her leg. This is amazing. Show him.

- Look at...!

- I've just been shooting this stuff.

But, hey, I never tire of it.

- Look at this. I can get it...

- This is how high I can go.

I know. You just did it

five seconds ago.

Oh, yeah. I didn't know if you saw it.

Well, I've been here, like, 25 seconds.

Oh.

Go get the bags, wise-guy.

Well, sure thing. I'll go get 'em, boss.

Seriously, go get the bags.

Oh, yeah, yeah. OK.

Ah!

Oh, right in my gluteus maximus!

- Get your stinky feet off me.

- Stop tickling me!

I'm not tickling you,

what are you talking about?

So has Nat always been a lesbian?

Oh, no, no, she's open

to pretty much anyone.

Boys, girls, old, young, thin, fat.

That's a beautiful thing, actually.

- That is beautiful.

- She even slept with our cousin once.

- Dude! What the f***!

- Sorry, sorry... to everybody.

Man, can you hold this? Thanks.

Thanks, man. I feel like an idiot.

- You done yet?

- No, I still can't go.

Gotta get that sample.

Hey, your two job's gonna look

good on my monthly stats.

I'm telling you, Omar,

good things happen.

- Good things happen.

- Yeah, I'll keep that in mind, Ned.

Oh, now if you're gonna move into that

barn residence you referred to,

you gotta register the address here

within three days of moving in.

Oh, yeah.

One more minute

or I'm getting the cranberry juice.

Nope, almost there.

There we go.

Oh!

Sorry, man, I shouldn't have gone

before I came here. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I was thinking.

That was funny, Ned.

- Yeah.

- You...

The car is now 35 minutes late.

If the driver knew there was traffic,

why didn't the driver call me then?

Yes, I know, but you see, I'm

interviewing a very important person,

in less than 20 minutes and I...

Don't...!

Jer, see if he's out there for me.

Yep...

This is a disaster, Jer.

I cannot be late for this.

- Jesus Christ.

- No.

I can't believe

I'm calling this person.

Who is she exactly?

Lady Arabella Galloway,

heir presumptive to the House of Stuart,

one of the wealthiest women

in the world.

Jesus.

Yeah, her creepy ex-boyfriend stole

ten million dollars from the family,

and then sold their sex tape

to pay his legal bills.

He's a gem. OK, Ned,

you gotta do me a favor.

First of all, we need to step on it,

we're really late.

Next of all, maybe don't say

anything stupid.

Actually, don't say anything at all.

Just keep your mouth shut.

This is the first time I'm writing about

an actual person, not just moisturizer.

So I really can't f*** it up.

- Hi, Lady Arabella.

- Hi.

- Miranda Rochlin, Vanity Fair

- Nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you.

Here, just jump right in.

So sorry that we were late.

The town car was stuck in traffic,

- this is my sister's car, I had to...

- It's OK.

- OK. I feel horrible.

- No, it's lovely to meet you.

- Thank you, you too.

- Hi, I'm Arabella.

You can introduce yourself, Ned.

Oh, yes. I'm Ned.

- I'm her brother.

- Yeah, he's just my brother.

That's... that's all.

So, are you two a team?

Us? No. Hm-mm. No.

I'm just kind of doing this

as an odd job.

- Yeah.

- Been out of the workforce for a while.

- Really? Where were you?

- Oh, I was sort of in jail.

Oh. He's not a...

He's not a criminal or anything,

he's just an organic farmer

that made a stupid mistake. So...

- Well, biodynamic, actually.

- OK, Ned.

What is biodynamic, exactly?

I've never understood the difference.

Planting kind of depends

on the lunar calendar.

- Species of lettuce, for example...

- Thank you, Ned.

Arabella?

I was thinking we should get started.

OK, my lawyer said you agreed not to ask

about him and the whole YouTube thing.

Absolutely, yeah.

Everybody's dated a jerk,

so at the end of the day,

that is just an old, boring story.

- OK. Good.

- Yeah.

No, what I'm truly fascinated by is the

work you are doing with Destiny's House.

It's the same story

for all of them.

Seduced at 13 or 14 by grown men

who make them feel loved

and then brainwash them

into prostitution.

- So sad.

- Yeah.

Well, I guess we're all capable

of trusting the wrong person.

Are you speaking

from personal experience?

Hey, Ebony, thank you for the playlist.

- Love Major Lazer.

- No problem.

And then there's

Shanequa, she got really into boxing.

Not just like boxing matches,

more like fight training.

- Shanequa?

- Yeah, you know my nephew River

wants to do something like that, but Liz

won't have anything to do with it.

- Is that the lesbian sister?

- That's Nat.

She's really more of a bisexual.

Or at least formerly-bisexual.

I don't know how you describe it.

How would you describe Nat?

- Arabella, I was wondering...

- If you guys are interested,

you should come to the benefit

we're having on Sunday.

- Benefit? Oh, yeah!

- The girls will be there.

That could be great.

- I do have this deadline, though.

- Man, I love it.

One minute I'm scrubbing toilets at

Marble Valley Regional with Dom,

I'm on the charity circuit.

- Mm.

- It's good, right?

- Are you convinced?

- Nice, nice.

Way to tell it true, yeah.

Anybody else? How about you? Beth?

Share your story.

Sure.

Hi, everyone, my name is Beth Phillips

and I'm from Paramus, New Jersey.

Hey, Beth.

Uh, I used to call myself

a romance addict.

And then, I went in the win room.

And came out knowing I just used sex

to make me feel like I was in control.

But now, I'm engaged to marry a man

who actually loves me.

He's so awesome.

He just knit me a scarf.

Isn't that a beautiful

testimony?

Let's go to the win room.

So now, um,

I'm in my crib and...

this time my sister's

not strangling me.

She's hugging me and...

I feel so positive

and, like, really, like, clear.

Like I can do anything.

Yes, you can. You can do anything.

That's a great win, Natalie.

- Yeah.

- It was beautiful.

Hydrate.

What about you, Ned?

What are you feeling?

Uhh...

I just... I feel really hot.

Right. Do you want to expand on that?

All I want is to take that pitcher

and just dump it

onto my penis and balls.

Move on through it. Come away from the

testicles and up to your higher self.

- I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Don't throw up in this tent.

Can I please have water without win?

Without a win? Can I please have water

without a win? Can you give me some?

Don't enable him. Don't...

Ned?

- I'm fine, really.

- You're gonna be fine, man.

- We just gotta take you in, all right?

- Are you sure I can't come? I want to.

No, no, really. I'm fine. I promise.

You kids enjoy yourselves.

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