Overboard Page #4

- Should mashed potatoes be crunchy?

Where are you going?

Out! I go out every night after dinner.

Meet the boys at the bowling alley

for a couple of beers.

- Don't leave me alone with them!

- Come on, honey. That's not fair.

You know we live like this.

Never bothered you before.

It's just the way it is.

You'd better get used to it.

When are you coming home?

When I feel like it.

It just depends on how drunk I get.

How's it goin' with your debutante?

She's one lousy cook!

But as long as I don't have to do it.

- How long are you gonna keep her?

- Let's see. 25 bucks a day, huh?

Figure little wifey-poo can work off what

she owes me in... a little over a month.

- Your first night with her, huh?

- Mm-hm.

Uh-huh! Come on, huh!

I'm not gonna tell you

she doesn't have a great body.

And a pretty decent face...

Ah, she's too rich for my blood!

Chocolate cake's a bit rich too,

but I'd like to eat one once in a while.

Not my style.

Course, eating a whole cake isn't, either.

But I'm gonna have some fun

with her tonight!

- What are you gonna do?

- What are you drinkin'?

Some rotgut. Cheapest stuff they got.

Perfect.

Wait!

You jumped my bones

the first night we met!

- We did it on the first date?

- Well, I couldn't call it a date, really.

We just did it right there

in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven.

- I'm a slut.

- Huh?

Nothing.

- Ooh!

- Oh!

Hey, I'm a little drunk tonight,

baby, so, you know,

it might take me a while to get there.

Oh! What? No boom-boom?

Well, hey, I understand.

You probably just wanna go right

to sleep and skip the fun stuff, huh?

- Yes.

- OK.

Thank you. No boom-boom.

- Baby.

- Hm?

- The couch.

- What?

You see, honey, you've got a bad back

because the bed's too soft for you.

That's why you always sleep

on the living-room couch.

I'm a short... fat... slut.

Get off of my body!

Rover!

- Up, up, up, up, up! Come on!

- Help! Help!

Time to get up. Gotta fix the kids' lunches

or they'll miss the bus for school.

I don't care if they don't go to school.

OK. They'll just be with you all day.

Bye, Mom!

Whoa, whoa, the bus is here!

Hurry up, Mom!

Roy. Roy!

My name is Travis.

Travis.

Travisss!

Come on, Joey.

Stop honking!

Twin! Oh, twin!

She means you.

Have a good day at school, honey.

You ready? You ready?

Come on, come on!

Bye, Mom. You're doin' a great job.

I'm off to work.

Somebody's gotta keep this family

in the lap of luxury.

I figured you'd forget,

so I made it for you myself.

- What?

- Your list of daily chores.

See ya tonight.

- Dean?

- D Zippety doo dah!

D Zippety yay!

D My oh my, I got a wonderful slave

And you are a genius!

You're living in a nightmare

that starts at the crack of dawn.

Down! Down!

# Jim Dandy to the rescue

# Jim Dandy to the rescue

# Jim Dandy to the rescue

# Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!

# Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!

Dinner! Dinner!

She needs food.

This is fun.

Hey, guys.

- What's goin' on here?

- Nothing. We're OK. We're fine.

- How about you?

- Oh, no. What's wrong with her?

She's been like that for an hour now.

- She's getting better, though.

- Better?

Yeah, she's not going "Ba-ba-ba... "

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...

- Why did she do that?

- She destroyed the scarecrow.

She ripped the sucker's head off!

I like when she goes

"Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba. "

Hey! Baby doll!

What's for dinner?

Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu ba-ba-ha-ha...

OK! I'll take it from here.

Go on, get upstairs!

- Will you trade her in for a new one?

- Nah, she'll be all right.

Come on, guys! Move it!

Feel better?

I don't belong here. I feel it.

Don't you think I feel it?

I can't do any of these vile things

and I wouldn't want to!

My life is like death!

My children are the spawn of hell

and you're the devil.

Oh, God...

Baby, we like you.

She's OK. She's doin' the dishes.

- No more "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba".

- Good. All right.

- Dad?

- Yeah?

- Will she figure out we're tricking her?

- Not if we don't blow it.

- What are you doin'?

- Looking for memorabilia.

Memora-what?

Scrapbooks. Photographs.

Something that will spark

some wisp of a memory.

Do we or do we not possess these things?

Uh, well...

Do you mean to tell me

there is no photographic evidence

of our life together...

anywhere in existence?

Well, I don't know

where they'd be because, uh...

you know,

we lost a lot of stuff in the move.

And it's possible that, uh...

we lost...

The closet

and you.

That's right. This is me...

and I'm standing in front of the closet.

Something's familiar.

You got it. We used to do it in the closet.

Oh, stop with the sex stories!

You're grumpy

because you've been busy.

I want you to stop everything,

go on in here, take a bath...

Hey, guys!

Get the turtle out of the bathtub!

I'll look for the pictures

first thing in the morning, OK?

All right. Good night, honey.

- Somebody better be dead!

- Billy!

Billy, I want you to do me a favour.

- Who you talkin' to?

- Nobody.

- Who's that?

- No one.

Hey, is that Dean?

- Hi, Dean. Come on in.

- Go back to bed, Gertie.

- If you treat me like that, I'm goin' home.

- Come on, Gertie, don't be like that!

Remember in high school you faked

our IDs? I need a fake bride.

- Come on, Dean. I'm busy!

- Not any more. She's goin' home.

OK, but if we get caught, it's your ass!

It's my wedding day.

Why do I look so annoyed?

Oh, yeah. Your dad showed up sh*t-faced.

He threw potato salad all over my mom.

We had to throw him out!

Why do I always have

this depressed look on my face?

You were grumpy a lot. You were losing

the weight, then you gained it back.

- Thin, fat, thin, fat.

- Was I always this miserable?

- Wasn't I ever happy?

- Well, sure, honey. Lots.

You were the happiest

little wife and mother around!

Look at this. Before you lost the weight.

Can you believe it?

All right. Now, that's it. Are you satisfied?

- Yes.

- Good.

I suppose I belong here in this... hovel.

Come on, Jackson!

Well, this is my life.

I didn't marry very well, did I?

# Your body

I love LA. I love all my starlets!

- What were your names again?

- Tofutti Klein.

Tofutti! I love it!

If that's my mother-in-law,

I'm not here.

You're Kim and Kimberly...

- The Stayton yacht.

- Hello, Andrew. It's Mrs Mintz.

I'm so virile, I'm so rich!

I'd like to speak to my daughter.

They're not here, madam.

They've gone shopping.

Uh, a little bit lower.

Yeah. Yeah, lower.

That's good. That's good.

- Were you really in the Coast Guard?

- Damn right.

Why does he keep staring at me?

- Is he?

- Yes! He was staring at me

with his mouth open all through dinner.

Well, honey,

Billy was your high-school boyfriend.

You don't get any of the old feelings back

when you look at him, do you?

I don't wanna do it!

You gotta do it

if you wanna be a gruesome ghoul!

It's part of the initiation! Think about it.

That's good. Thanks a lot. Ah, yeah.

Uh, sugarlips.

I think our guest needs another beer.

Uh, well, I really shouldn't,

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