Overboard Page #5

but maybe, uh... just one more

six-pack!

- Attagirl!

- Thank you.

That's all the beer.

Whoa, buttercup!

Just about time for dessert!

- How about some brownies?

- I didn't make any.

- How about chocolate cream pie?

- I made that.

- Is this gonna work?

- My ideas always work. I'm gifted.

I loved it when you glued Joey

to the toilet seat.

I was thinking about it at work.

We need a theme for the golf course.

We can use a few contraptions

you can knock some golf balls through.

- What's the score? I had my eyes closed.

- 32-10.

- Who's winning?

- The guys with 32.

- Great!

- Who did this?!

Travis!

Hey, honey, what happened?

Oooh! This happened.

- You guys are beggin' for it!

- Stop blustering! You won't punish them!

Ease up there, love chop! Just ease up.

Ease up? Ease up?

Since I walked through that door,

I have cooked, cleaned,

scrubbed, chopped wood.

I've waited on you, your dogs,

your kids and your friends

in the hopes that I would

remember some shred of my life

and now it is entirely clear to me

why I've chosen to block it out!

- Now, none of this ever...

- Bothered me before.

Well, it bothers me now.

- All right, Joe!

- Is that so?

Hey, hey, Joe! Come on, guys!

No more jokes on Mom today, huh?

You really got her where you want her.

I got everything under control,

don't worry.

- This is flat. Give me another one, Billy.

- I only got six.

We're just gonna have to send out

the old ball and chain to buy some more.

Good stuff!

Your chocolate cream pie.

Thanks, honey.

I guess it's kinda tough to serve

with your hands stuck to plates.

Honey, we need forks!

- Sugarlips!

- Yeah?

Wait a minute!

Fire, fire, fire!

- Yeah!

- OK, guys, go get her!

Hey, thanks for a lovely dinner.

- She never did that before.

- She did it now!

- Look at this! I gotta go to work!

- Wait for me!

She went this way, guys!

Gruesome ghouls, attack!

- What should I do, Travis?

- Go home!

I got you!

- Tickle her!

- She's ticklish!

Ow, that hurts! Ow!

Leave me alone!

All right, time to get up.

Go to the bathroom

and do what you normally do.

- You gonna squirt us with a hose again?

- That's up to you.

- I gotta feed my turtle.

- The damn turtle stole my headband.

Joey, come on. Time to get up!

I don't want to! The teacher's a big fat tub!

Proffitt boys, come up here!

Miss Pitcannon tells me

you don't wanna take these tests.

I'm itchin' and I wanna go home!

You may go stand in the corner

until you can talk like a little boy!

All of you children

are new in this school.

These scores will determine

your placement in future classes.

- You must concentrate... Greg! Stop that!

- Make a face.

- I'm in real bad shape!

- Nonsense!

Now, if you concentrate, I'm sure

you can control those little bodies.

I see that, Amanda.

Joey, sit!

- Is anyone at your home?

- Yeah. Our mom is.

You have a mother now?

Your father remarried?

Um, yeah. We got a new mother now.

Well, good.

Then I'm calling both your parents!

Mrs Burbridge, I'm Annie Proffitt.

What happened?

Well, Mrs Proffitt, apparently

your children consider themselves

above taking

the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests.

I'm sorry. What are

the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests?

Placement tests. They are very valuable

in measuring intelligence and potential.

Sit still!

Your children are a discipline problem.

I know. I have had difficulties myself.

- What did you do now?

- Oh! They decided to play sick!

And not very convincingly.

Now, I believe their problems exist

because of deficient parental guidance.

The children are slovenly, incorrigible

and being reared by a father who clearly

isn't concerned about their welfare,

but is himself just a large child!

- Excuse me, Mrs Burbridge.

- Oh, the test results. Thank you.

I'll look these over as soon as

I'm finished with this... woman.

Oh, my God.

I'll see you later in the cafeteria.

Mrs Burbridge,

would you come over here for a moment?

Has it escaped your attention that these

children have head-to-toe poison oak?

Well, no... Yes, but...

But what? My children are

in need of medical assistance!

And you can sit here and smugly

lecture me on the importance of tests?

Tests which label children's potential -

a thing which cannot be measured!

Least of all by anal-compulsive Huns!

And my husband may be a large child,

but that's none of your business.

And my children may be rotten,

but they're mine!

And I think that they're bright

and sensitive.

So I have no doubts whatsoever

about their intelligence!

I do, however,

have serious doubts about yours!

Kids, get in the car. Let's go.

Move!

- She told her off.

- Dad never did that.

Discipline problem?

My regards to

Schwartzman and Heinliken.

I can't stop itching!

Well, what do you expect

when you roll around in poison oak?

What I want you to do, what the doctor

said, is put it right on the red parts.

OK?

Soon we're going to clean up

this room because it's a disgrace.

- We like it like a disgrace.

- Dad lets us do whatever we want!

Yeah, well, it's trickling

down the stairway.

Joey, don't. Don't get that near your eyes.

Look, I want you to read this.

See what it says?

"Don't get near your eyes. " Read on.

- What's this all about?

- He's embarrassed cos he can't read.

- Well, he's a small child.

- He can't read for a small child either.

The teacher makes fun of him!

OK, we'll talk about this later.

Go to sleep.

- Dean!

- Where is that?

- Dean!

- Yeah!

- What is it?

- Where are you going?

Out. If I could ever find my...

Oh, wait. Wait!

Not tonight! We have to talk.

- When I get home. I'm in a hurry.

- Now!

You know, I let the water routine slide by

the other day, but let's not push it, OK?

I got a little carried away with the hose,

but this is important.

OK, fine. What's on your mind, sugarlips?

Stop calling me sugarlips!

I have a name. Call me Annie.

Get to the point, Annie. I'm busy.

The guys are waitin' for me.

You can't run out every time things get

complicated here. The kids are sick!

They got calamine lotion.

What do you want me to do?

- Take on some grown-up responsibility!

- I earn the money. That's a responsibility.

Are you aware that Joey can't read?

That Travis only reads smut magazines?

- I can't get him out of the bathroom.

- He's 13! I'll build you another bathroom!

They don't need that!

They need guidance from you!

Oh-oh-oh! Now, don't you worry

about me and my boys, OK? We're pals.

They have enough pals.

They need a father.

Hey, hey, hey, look. I decided

a long time before you... you and me...

We decided a long time ago,

before we started this family,

we'd raise these kids naturally,

not force bullshit rules...

I'm not talking about discipline.

I'm talking...

Stuff you shouldn't be talking about!

It's none of your business, anyway.

- My children are none of my business?

- Look... I have... Now I'm late!

Thanks a lot(!) Appreciate it.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes