People Like Us Page #6

l was the only one

at the funeral

sitting next to

an empty seat.

That was fun.

l didn't have to answer

any weird questions

about that one.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, there's the sarcasm.

l remember that.

Yeah, well,

what you probably don't remember

is me changing

the plastic bags in his abdomen

every two hours

so his sh*t wouldn't leak.

Wow, Mom.

That was like a double twist

on the high degree

of difficulty

on that insult dive.

He was in and out

of the hospital for a year.

You never even called him.

He didn't want

me around, Mom.

ls that what

you tell yourself?

And you let him

not want me around.

You came home

maybe four times in the last 13 years.

Usually to borrow money.

How is the T-shirt

business, anyway?

-Good night.

-That's right. Run away.

At least it's the one thing

you're consistent about.

You think you knew him?

You saw what

you wanted to see.

Can you really believe

l didn't know the man

l was married to?

JANE:
(ON MACHlNE)

Jane MacKenna again

from the Federal Trade

Commission, Mr. Harper.

This is my second call.

lf you're not in our

Manhattan offices

by the end of the week

to assist our investigation,

we'll be forced

to issue you a subpoena.

AUTOMATED VOlCE:

End of new messages.

We could tell her

we've been waiting here for 20 minutes

and the button didn't work.

So sorry we're late.

The pickup line at school

was a total disaster.

-No, it wasn't.

-Kind of was.

Kind of wasn't.

Can l talk to you

alone for a second?

(SlGHS)

WOMAN 1 :

When l first got sober,

l heard everyone

tell all the old-timers...

WOMAN 2:
l'm embarrassed,

l'm ashamed.

l've been sitting here

listening to everyone.

Frankly, l think

you're all quite mad.

MAN 1 :
So, thank you all

for listening

and keep coming back.

-MAN 2:
Good night, Frankie.

-Yeah, good night.

Oh, sh*t!

(CRUNCHlNG)

(SlGHS)

Pretty sure the purse was

designed to keep things

inside itself.

But l don't want to

mess up your process.

l know what you're thinking.

"You again." Again.

My last meeting.

l got to go back to New York.

Thought l'd say goodbye.

Cherry season

already, huh?

Yeah.

Something like that.

You know, it's...

Thank you.

(SlGHS)

Assuming you've had

better days, huh?

What gave it away?

Sh*t, right before this

l got fired by my kid's therapist.

ls it fired, do you think?

Or broken up with?

What happened?

l got caught in a lie.

l just...

l was late, and l lied

about it in front of my kid.

So...

Look, l know

we don't really know each other at all,

but you seem

like a really...

Like a really

great person.

(STAMMERlNG)

l'm not a professional

parent or whatever,

but l'm pretty sure

there's no such thing

as a textbook mom.

Your kid's really lucky

to have you.

Bye, Frankie.

Wait!

l mean...

You're leaving now?

l mean, before it was okay,

but now...

We should get a taco

or something.

Really?

-Or not. Never mind.

-Absolutely.

Absolutely never mind?

Absolutely tacos.

FRANKlE:
l realized that

l feel sorry for my clothes

that l don't wear,

so l rearranged my closets

so the stuff from the back

got moved to the front

so it could have more face time.

(LAUGHS)

-l'm nuts.

-That's crazy.

ln high school

l was in a band called Technical Virgin.

(BOTH LAUGH)

ln high school

l was on a team

of technical virgins

called "cheerleaders."

-No!

-l got kicked off the team.

-Why?

-l wouldn't do lame cheers.

lt's not good to have

the pompon girl be like,

"This is bullshit!"

Can you show me

a lame cheer?

-l'm not doing any cheers.

-Come on.

l know one cheer.

lt's from a Faith No More song.

"Be aggressive.

Be-Be aggressive.

"B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-l-V-E."

Anybody?

"Be aggressive.

Be-Be aggressive."

Let me just recap.

So, you're losing and l am winning.

No, l'm not. l'm very

competitive right now.

You were in a shitty band.

That's all you've brought

to this entire situation.

You better come up

with something good.

Wow.

l lied to avoid a funeral.

-l give that like a six.

-Six? Bullshit, six.

Good lord,

it's like watching the nature channel.

Don't watch me eat.

Every spring, the wild

Frankie migrates to the...

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

All right.

l'm going to finish you.

l'm going to sweep the leg.

Here it comes. You ready?

Yeah. Please. l'm ready.

(SlGHS)

l was a bit of a nightmare

when l got pregnant

with my kid.

Mmm-hmm.

l would you know,

wake up, drink,

score, bump, get laid,

pass out, rinse, repeat.

No numbers.

No names. So...

l have no idea

who my kid's dad is.

And l still ended up

with my little munchkin

and he saved my life.

-Ta-da!

-l fold.

(MlMlCS DRUM ROLL)

You can't win this game

if you don't have kids.

Speaking of folding,

l have to go do laundry. l'm sorry.

l don't want to intrude on

your laundering space, but...

l would love

to not go to the laundromat by myself.

So, sure.

FRANKlE:
You ate

a lot of nachos.

SAM:
So what?

FRANKlE:
Not.

SAM:
Not an astronaut?

Why not?

FRANKlE:
lt's not going

to be astronaut.

l don't know.

ln another life,

l could've been a landscape

architect or something.

Why not this life?

Why another life?

You need a degree

or something.

Why not do that now?

l barely made it through

school the first time.

Yeah, well, l shouldn't be

doling out career advice.

Trust me,

career advice from me is...

(CHUCKLES)

No. Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Are you all right?

lt's my dad.

He used to bring a change

of clothes to our house

when he came to visit.

He always smelled

like patchouli,

and my mom hated it.

So it was my job to wash

and fold his laundry.

Anyway.

How did they meet?

Backstage at a

King Crimson concert.

My dad was a music

manager. A & R guy.

My mom was this

L.A. scenester.

A groupie, basically.

For a while, he'd come on

Sundays. We'd go to movies,

have a picnic.

He just had this light.

And when he would laugh,

it made me feel like

l was really funny.

But then he stopped coming.

No more light.

Did you ever

see him again?

l tried to see him.

When l was 15.

l actually bought a dress,

took the bus to his studio.

He kept me an hour

waiting in his office

and then we

finally got in his car...

Which one?

l mean, what kind?

He had a Country Squire.

That's an old station wagon.

And we went to this house

in Los Feliz. Some guitarist.

And l was standing

in the corner,

staring at my shoes

in my discount prom dress.

They were smoking

and drinking and...

l just kept telling myself,

"Do not give this man

your tears."

After a while

he drove me home, gave me a $50 bill,

and my last image of my dad

are taillights

while he drove away

to his other family.

And the crazy thing is,

you don't ask,

"What's wrong with him?"

No. You ask,

"What's wrong with me?"

There's nothing wrong

with you.

Mostly l'm just still pissed

he got me in a dress.

So, the...

The other family,

did he ever talk about them?

l didn't want to know.

l hated them.

They got him.

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