Phunny Business: A Black Comedy Page #8

AFFILIATE.

FROM ALL JOKES ASIDE COMEDY

CLUB IN DOWNTOWN CHICAGO YOUR

HOST GEORGE WALLACE!

SFX:
TAPE WARPING

IT WAS A FINANCIAL

DISASTER....AND THAT'S THE

LAST TIME I'M EVER GONNA SELF

FINANCE A TV SHOW.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

SFX:
SCREECHING TRAIN

IN PRISON, I BECAME ANGRY,

BITTER, HARDCORE.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO PRISON.

I WASN'T ARRESTED, BUT I WAS

VISITED.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

WHEN YOU OPERATE A NIGHTCLUB

IN CHICAGO, YOU GET "VISITED"

BY ALL KINDS OF UNSAVORY

CHARACTERS.

NOW RAY'S NOT TALKING ABOU THE AL CAPONES OF THE WORLD.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT A FAR MORE

CUNNING GROUP OF SHAKEDOWN

ARTISTS KNOWN AS THE THREE

P'S.

NO COMMENT AND ON NONE OF

THEM.

DON'T ASK ME NO QUESTIONS

ABOUT NO PIMPS, POLITICIANS,

OR PREACHERS.

YA SEE, PIMPS, POLITICIANS AND

PREACHERS ARE ALL LOOKING FOR

A HANDOUT.

THAT'S JUST THE PRICE OF DOING

BUSINESS IN THE "WINDY CITY".

YA GOTTA SPREAD A LITTLE CASH

AROUND.

I DIDN'T LIKE IT AND I DIDN' DO IT UNLESS YOU WERE A COP OR

SOMETHING.

I NEEDED SOME PROTECTION.

BUT OVERALL, I LOVE CHICAGO

AND OUR COMEDIANS LOVED I TOO.

I DON'T THINK ALL JOKES ASIDE

COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN ANY

OTHER CITY.

HELLO CHICAGO!

HEY!

HELLO CHICAGO!

HEY!

I LOVE THIS TOWN.

THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE TOWN TO

DO COMEDY IN, YOU KNOW THAT?

AND I'M GOING TO CLEVELAND

TOMORROW NIGHT AND I'M GOING

TO SAY THE SAME THING WHEN I

GET TO CLEVELAND.

CHICAGO'S THE BEST CITY IN

AMERICA.

YOU NEED TO KNOW CHICAGO IF

YOU LIVING IN AMERICA.

WHETHER IT WAS HER

NEIGHBORHOODS, HER FOOD, HER

WEATHER, HER WOMEN OR HER

POLITICS, ALL JOKES COMEDIANS

WERE ENDLESSLY INSPIRED BY

CHICAGO.

YOU GO TO CHICAGO YOU JUST RUN

UP INTO SOME OF THE GREA STUFF ABOUT IT LIKE GOOSE

ISLAND SHRIMP MAN.

YOU MAKE THAT A GOTTA GO TO.

HAROLD'S CHICKEN, YOU KNOW,

YOU GOTTA GO TO.

LEM'S BARBEQUE AND CHICAGO IS

KNOWN FOR ITS PIZZA.

I WAS WONDERING WHY THEY NEVER

COMBINED GARRETT'S POPCORN AND

GIORDANO'S PIZZA, MAN. WHY

DIDN'T THEY JUST TAKE THE TOP

OFF THE PIZZA AND PUT POPCORN

INSIDE OF IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I

MEAN?

AND COMBINE THEIR FORCES, YOU

KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I WOULD MOVE HERE BUT GOD DAMN

IT, IT'S COLD AS F***. I REALLY IS MAN, I CAN'T TAKE

THE...I CAN'T TAKE THE COLD.

I WOULD GET OFF THE PLANE AND

MY BALLS WOULD JUST SHRIVEL

UP.

I WOKE UP ONE MORNING THEY

SAID IT WAS TWO.

I SAY TWO?

WHY EVEN TELL ME, JUST SAY PU ON EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYBODY

LIVE IN CHICAGO IN THE WINTER

TIME.

THAT OUGHT TO BE AGAINST THE

LAW.

NO, I WAS HIDING FROM THE COLD

LIKE IT WAS THE POLICE.

I WALK OUTSIDE, DAMN ITS STILL

OUT THERE.

I AIN'T SEEN THE SUN IN A

MONTH.

WHO LIVES IN A CITY THAT DON' HAVE A SUN?

IT'S SO COLD IN CHICAGO I MAKE ILLEGAL ALIENS TURN THEY

SELF INTO IMMIGRATION.

I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

YOU S'POSED TO DEPORT ME.

ALL MY FRUITS ARE FROZEN.

FIRST OF ALL, WHEN YOU GO TO

CHICAGO NOT ONLY IS THE

LIFESTYLE HOT, BUT THE WOMEN

ARE INCREDIBLE.

GIRLS GALORE.

WOMEN, JUST LOVELY AS EVER.

YOU'RE SEEING SISTERS THA DRESS TO THE NINES, YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE NICE HEELS, HAIR DONE.

NOT JUST REGULAR GIRLS, BU GIRLS THAT ARE DOING THINGS.

PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE THAT GO REALLY COOL JOBS, YOU KNOW

THEIR OWN MONEY.

THEY DON'T REALLY NEED STUFF.

I DO REMEMBER IN CHICAGO WHERE

YOU COULD GO AND GET STUFF

THAT REALLY HAD NO BUSINESS

BEING FOR SALE.

VHAT DO YOU VANT?

THERE'S THIS GUY OUT FRONT AND

HE'S SELLING A TABLE LEG.

OKAY?

WHO THE HELL NEEDS A TABLE

LEG?

AND WHY, WHY WOULD YOU WANT A

TABLE LEG?

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

HELL WE HAD A FEW TABLES THA DIDN'T HAVE BUT THREE LEGS ON

IN.

SO WHAT IT DON'T LOOK LIKE THE

OTHER LEGS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE

VISITING, LIVING OR WORKING IN

CHICAGO.

YOU CANNOT COME HERE AND NO BE AFFECTED BY POLITICS.

RAYMOND WOULD LEARN THAT THE

HARD WAY AND SO DID A YOUNG

BARACK OBAMA.

BUT FOR COMEDIANS, POLITICS

EQUALS MATERIAL.

ALL JOKES ASIDE CHICAGO IT IS

PROBABLY WHERE I SHAPED MY

POLITICAL VOICE KNOWING THAT I

WAS A BLUE DOG DEMOCRAT A THAT TIME AND THEN WOULD GO ON

TO BE A FULL-FLEDGED

REPUBLICAN.

MCCAIN WAS HORRIBLE ON THE

DEBATE.

WASN'T HE HORRIBLE ON THE

DEBATE?

CAUSE HE, THIS IS WHAT HE WAS

DOING.

HE WAS OUT BACK BEHIND THE

CHAIR TELLING JOKES TO HIS

SELF LIKE "RAINMAN" YOU KNOW,

STANDING BACK HER.

OH, HE WAS IGNENT.

I WAS SO HUMILIATED AS A

REPUBLICAN, YOU KNOW.

SO HE BACK THERE LOOKING CRAZY

RIGHT, SO THEN THIS IS HOW

COLD BLOODED AND SEXY BARACK

OBAMA WAS.

WHEN THEY ASK BARACK WHAT DO

YOU HAVE TO SAY, I SWEAR FOR

GOD WHEN THIS NEGRO STOOD UP

VIOLINS STARTED PLAYING, DOVES

FLEW OUT.

HE LICKED HIS LIPS LIKE LL

COOL J.

AND HE SAY, THIS GO OUT TO ALL

THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE.

OH HE FINE, HE FINE, HE FINE.

I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING,

EVERYTHING ABOUT CHICAGO

COMEDY.

I WORKED ON STAGE AT SECOND

CITY FOR YEARS WITH SOME OF

THE TOP NAMES IN COMEDY.

AND YET HERE I AM TOTALLY,

TOTALLY UNAWARE THAT TWO MILES

AWAY ON THE SOUTH SIDE THERE'S

THIS OTHER CLUB CRANKING OU MAJOR COMEDY STARS.

TWO CHICAGO'S MAN, EBONY AND

IVORY.

FOR HALF OF CHICAGO, ALL JOKES

ASIDE WAS DESTINED TO REMAIN

THE BEST COMEDY CLUB THEY

NEVER HEARD OF, BUT THAT HAD

ZERO IMPACT ON THE COMEDIANS

WHO JUST KEPT POLISHING THEIR

ACTS.

WITHOUT A DOUBT I'M GONNA TELL

YOU RIGHT NOW, ALL JOKES ASIDE

WAS THE LABORATORY.

WHERE ALL THESE COMEDIANS, THE

KINGS AND THE QUEENS OF COMEDY

HONED THEIR SKILLS MAN.

THE KINGS AND QUEENS OF COMEDY

WOULD DO TWO OF THE MOS SUCCESSFUL CONCERT TOURS OF

ALL TIMES.

AND THE FILMS OF THOSE TOURS

WERE SUCCESSES TOO.

THE SEEDS WERE PLANTED AT ALL

JOKES.

THERE WAS A STOCK JOKE THAT I,

I BELIEVE I WAS AT ALL JOKES

ASIDE WHEN I WROTE IT.

AND IT WAS QUITE BY ACCIDEN SOMEBODY YELLING OUT IN THE

AUDIENCE ABOUT MY LIPS AND HOW

BIG THEY WERE.

I KNOW BY NOW Y'ALL NOTICED

I'VE GOT SOME BIG ASS LIPS.

YEAH, I KNOW THEY SOME BIG

MOTHERFUCKERS.

SEE, EH, I KNOW THEY SOME BIG

MOTHERFUCKERS.

YEAH, ALL MY LIPS ARE BIG

MOTHERF***ER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SEE, SEE HERE'S THE KIND OF

MOTHERF***ER HOLLERING ABOU BLOWJ*B, AND HE WEARING ABOU A SIZE FOUR.

LITTLE OLE FEET.

SO YOU KNOW HIS DICK SMALL.

I COULDN'T GIVE HIM NO

BLOWJ*B.

MY BIG ASS LIPS, HIS LITTLE

OLD DICK, IT WOULD WORK.

THAT'D BE LIKE TRYING TO GIVE

A WHALE A TIC TAC

MOTHERF***ER.

THAT SH*T WOULDN'T WORK.

IT WOULDN'T WORK. CLASSIC

JOKE.

I THINK IT JUST PUT ME ON THE

MAP AS THE COMEDIAN

NATIONALLY.

LAURA HAYES, ANOTHER QUEEN OF

COMEDY, A GREAT STAND UP AND

AN ACCOMPLISHED ACTRESS. HER

ACT PLAYS LIKE A ONE WOMEN

SHOW ON BROADWAY.

WHEN THERE'S A PROBLEM MY

MOTHER'S THE DISPATCHER.

SHE'LL DISPATCH US OU WHENEVER THERE'S A PROBLEM.

SHE'LL GET RIGHT ON THE PHONE,

LAURA, BERTHA, JULIE RUTHIE

GET ON OVER TO ALICE'S HOUSE

THAT NIGGA DONE READ "A BLACK

MAN'S GUIDE".

SO WE JUMP IN THE CAR AND WE

ROLLING.

AND I GOT A THOUSAND POUNDS

RIDING WITH ME GODDAMN IT.

WE SLAPPING FIVE OVER THE SEA AND SH*T.

GET TO MY BABY SISTER'S HOUSE

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