Ping Pong Playa Page #5

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I wish I had,

I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.

Got to get tall.

Got to touch trees.

Got to show my hometown

it ain't anything.

Got to live large

with a black car.

Got to get my mom and dad

a brand-new yard.

Let's pretend I was seven-tr,

built like a tree

and a guy from east end,

and my man, Yao Ming,

got more bottle

'cause I'm living tall Gs.

I'll be a model

for a can of green beans.

You think it's funny,

but it ain't when you're broke.

It's like that

when the alarm is reset.

Try and sign a deal

but don't drop the soap.

If I roll a few feet,

then I know that there's hope.

I wish I was

a little bit taller.

I wish I was a baller.

I wish I had a girl

who looked good.

I would call her.

I wish I was a baller.

I wish I had,

I wish I had a 6-4 Impala.

Yo, I wish, wish, wish.

Wish, wish,

wish, wish.

Dad, dude,

calm down, man.

Take it easy, man.

That money's

for you and Mom, man.

I was saving it

to fix the car, man.

Michael don't even have

a girlfriend, man.

He's always trying to get

them ugly-ass Miss Chinatowns.

But he has a good job.

And he's responsible.

I'm running your class,

ain't I?

What else I got to do,

become Ping-Pong king?

Yeah, right.

Okay?

Fine.

They're never cute.

They always

look like newscasters

cruising for prom dates.

Hey, remember

that cross-eyed one last year?

Hey, she looked

like a Chinese Lassie.

Oh!

Nice mailbox.

Nice ride.

Zero to 30

in 8-flat.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm telling you, man.

She's just mad jocking me

from the start, man.

How's that?

The eyes, smoldering.

Genius child-prodigy

Ping-Pong teacher, huh?

Yeah.

That was kind of funny.

Yeah, so is Felix home?

What do you want?

He's doing his homework.

All right, playa, so you got

your game face on, huh?

Yeah, so you know,

she's all up in my grill, man,

trying to get up close, man.

And I said,

"Wait a damn minute now. "

No one takes a ride

on the Orient Express

without paying

for a ticket.

I just wanted to give

the little man his money back.

Got caught?

Hey, look, lady,

I'm just trying to be nice.

I won that money

fair and square.

You think taking money from

old people and third graders

is fair and square?

Come on, she gonna take a ride

on the Orient Express?

Hey, wait, don't go jumping

the line now, man.

First, all right, she starts

giving me the sweet talk, right?

Talking about how little F-Bomb

looks up to me and.

Aw, that's so sweet.

You know, I tried

to get my parents

to make him

stop going to your class,

but he convinced them

you're, like,

his best friend

or something.

F- Bomb said that?

Just shows

how mature you are.

Your best friend is still

in elementary school.

You're so funny.

You're just lucky

he's the only boy in our family.

My parents spoil him.

Yeah, well, maybe they know

what's good for him.

Hey, better me teaching him than

some pasty Hugh Grant wannabe.

Yeah, I saw

y'all talking to him.

Hey, we don't talk to no...

They are the enemy.

Please, like I chose

to have him breathing on me

and shoving his flyers

in my face.

Someone's got to put

that guy on a bus.

Hey, I feel you

on that.

So why don't you,

if you're so offended

by him taking your students?

Well, maybe I will.

Good.

- Yeah.

- Go ahead.

- All right.

- Get on it.

Hey, I'm on it.

Feel me?

No, thanks.

Hey, you know, we got

some room in the class

if you want

to swing on by, you know?

Or I could give you some

private lessons on the side.

You and me

and Ping-Pong.

We could leave F-Bomb

at my mom's house.

If my sorry-ass manager

don't lay off the Saturdays...

No, I don't...

What's this?

My treat, dog.

Well, I like

the sound of that.

Oh, sure.

Nice.

Hey, you know, I let you down

on the court the other day, man.

These are good

when they're hot, man.

Absolutely.

Listen, I didn't

want you to think

I was pulling

a Latrell Sprewell,

so I didn't say nothing.

My knee was acting up, man.

Yeah, well,

ain't no thing.

Those guys were just better,

that's all.

Those geezers?

Hey, come on, man,

be real.

You know if my knee

was 100% % %...

Your knee has

never been 100% % %, man.

What's that

supposed to mean?

You just ain't

a baller, man.

Man, if you mad about

losing that money, man, hey...

Dude, I knew I was going

to lose that money.

You set me up, man?

Double betting

on the side, man?

Come on, money.

You know you can count me

in on that...

No, dog,

it's not like that.

I was just trying

to help you

face up to

your real skills, that's all.

My real skills?

Yeah, look,

we tight and all,

but if I got to hear

about your genetic disadvantage,

otherwise I'm gonna be

in the NBA bull

One more time,

I swear to God,

I'm going to have to

kill somebody.

I mean,

even if you're 8 feet tall

with a 12-pack, man,

you ain't never going

to be no Kobe Bryant.

Come on.

What?

Hey, C,

come on, man.

Hey, you got something to say,

just say it, man.

I just think you should cut

the wannabe crap, man.

I mean, we're still

going to be homies.

Hey, you think this is

about impressing you, man?

Look at you, man,

salary man,

9:
00 to 5:00,

tied to the desk,

playing ring around

the water cooler.

You the one always talking

about the next big scheme, man.

And Mr. Entrepreneur

don't even have a business card.

I see.

So the best defense

is a good offense, huh?

Look, all I'm saying, man,

better a wannabe

than a bean counter.

Better a bean counter

than a loser.

Hey, a loser is someone who

gives up the game, all right?

No, no, a loser's somebody

who's got so many excuses

they never get in the game

in the first place.

Hey, you really

want to play this?

How about this then?

A loser's someone who takes

Chinese class for three years

and is still scared to order

dinner at Panda Express.

What?

Who?

What? You think I'm afraid

to use my Chinese?

Yeah.

Wait.

Read my lips.

Dog, dog, dog.

What?

What'd I say?

Are you trying to tell me

my basketball stinks?

Yeah, and?

All right,

try this, man.

Right, right.

Hey, dog,

that's harsh, man.

That's just harsh.

Sifu, I read in my book

about the topspin

you have to put on the ball

in order for it to have

a higher probability...

Dog, before you start fretting

about topspin,

you have to actually

hit the ball first.

Ah, so one must...

Ah, t-t-t-t.

Unscrew it.

That's what I'm trying to do.

It's, like, welded.

Unscrew the top.

Unscrew the top.

- I tried the top.

- No, the other top.

Listen, guys, you want to start

your own school?

No problem.

But you cannot take

our students.

It's a free country.

Kids can choose

their own school.

Yeah, it's a free country.

My wife

lets you practice here.

You cannot do this.

Can't handle a little

friendly competition.

Fine.

We'll go.

I'm sick of watching

these kids waste their time

with Conan the babysitter

anyway.

If they want real training,

they'll come learn

from the real masters,

the ones who invented

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