Play the Game Page #6

with that old fart

to go out with me.

She's got issues, man.

This calls for action.

About time.

If she wants a player,

she's gonna get one.

I'm gonna play her

like a two-bit fiddle.

A what?

By next week,

she'll be mine.

She won't even know

what hit her.

Spoken like

a true player.

A player.

Ha!

I'll show her a player.

Oh, Joe, you came!

Oh!

For a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you.

Aww.

Just wonderful.

Who knew that there

was a winery

an hour outside of the city?

I thought you had to go

to Napa to get good wine.

You do, but if you want

extraordinarily average wine,

you come here.

Thanks for inviting me.

I'm sorry Amanda

couldn't come.

I certainly brought back

enough wine for her,

didn't I?

Oh, and don't think

I didn't see all those

candles in the trunk.

Planning a big night,

are we?

Actually,

we're having some issues.

What's wrong?

Oh, damn it!

- What?

- We're out of gas.

Oh, no.

And... that's that.

Oh, God, now what

are we gonna do?

Um, Edna?

I have something

I have to tell you.

Let me freshen

your glass first.

Edna, I don't know

how to say this,

but...

I'm not as young

as I used to be.

Really, Joe?

You look pretty

spry to me.

No... no.

I mean,

I'm an older man now

than I used to be,

and sometimes

things don't work

like they used to.

Well, Joe, I don't...

I don't understand

what you're trying to say.

Edna, I have to

know something.

Are you trying to

seduce me?

Why, yes, Joe.

I am.

Well, that's just grand.

But I have to

tell you,

it might be hard

for me to satisfy you

if you've raised your

expectations.

Well, Joe...

why don't you let me

worry about

what's going to be hard

and what's going to be

raised, hmm?

I guess if we're gonna get

stranded for three hours

waiting for

roadside assistance,

this is the place to do it.

Thank you.

One down, four to go.

Whoops... ahh!

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I'll be out in just

a moment, Joe.

Oh, Joe?

What do you think?

Wow.

How do you feel?

Me?

Oh, I feel fine.

I admit, I'm a little

nervous, but I...

Um, Joe?

Yeah?

Did I drop something?

It's alive!

It's alive!

Oh, it's a miracle!

Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord!

Quick.

Quick, before it's gone!

How's your toe?

Oh, I think I'll live.

This frigid temperature is

keeping the swelling down.

Hey, maybe if the dashboard

catches on fire,

it'll heat

things up in here.

Are you cold?

I can barely

feel my fingers.

Come here.

Ooh, that feels good.

You call for a jump?

Oh, sorry, bro.

It looks like somebody

already got jumped,huh?

Yeah, uh... no.

We... we ran

out of gas.

Are you sure?

It says right here

that you need a jump.

Nope, gas.

I didn't bring my gas can,

so I'll have to tow you.

Gonna take about a second

to hook you up, all right?

What?

Oh, my.

I don't have

any protection.

Protection?

Protection from what?

You know, birth control.

I don't think

that'll be an issue.

Oh, you're on

the pill?

Good thinking.

It's like that little battery

bunny, it's still going.

Oh, David, stop!

That tickles.

Stop, that tickles.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ooh, oh, oh,

ooh, ooh.

Edna, Edna, where...

where... where...

Edna, where are you...

Where...

Edna, look out,

look out.

You're getting close!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

- Oh, God!

- Oh, God!

- Oh, God!

- Oh, God!

Wow.

Bring her right this way,

hold the elevator.

Oh, Edna, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

I'm an awful man.

Oh, no,

you're a wonderful man.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be

lying here like this.

Joe, what happened

to Edna?

Uh...

Grandpa, I got your message,

are you all right?

What's going on?

It's not me, it's Edna.

She's fine, just a little

shortness of breath.

Nothing serious.

What happened?

What happened?

I'll tell you

what happened.

That angel of a woman

slipped me a Mickey.

Have you ever heard

of a black-market drug

called Viagra?

Oh, please, tell me you...

- They're these magic pills,

see? - No, please, just stop.

I couldn't have

stopped if I tried.

I kept going

and going

and going and going.

Actually, I think

I might still be going.

Whoo-ee, those pills

are sick!

They're what?

David,

you may not know it,

but your grandfather

is a sex machine.

A real "chick maggot".

Mag... magnet.

Grandpa, chick magnet.

Oh, I guess that would make

more sense, wouldn't it?

David, have you ever heard

of a woman giving a man

something called a...

- She put her mouth on... - Oh,

yeah, no, no, I know what it is.

Your grandmother sure as hell

never did that to me.

My goodness, I felt

like a damn Popsicle.

She even took her

dentures out.

And after that,

we did the wild thing.

The what?

It was just like

riding a bike.

Well, not just

like riding a bike.

David, I don't know if

I ever told you this,

but your grandmother

is the only woman

I ever had

sexual relations with.

And after last night,

I realized,

bless her soul,

she didn't have

a clue in the bedroom.

But that Edna, she's a real

professional.

Whoo-ee!

All right, Grandpa,

enough, all right?

What's with Edna?

Oh, she's fine.

Her... her daughter's with

her in her room there,

talking with

the retirement-home director.

That's her daughter?

Is he gonna explain to her

what caused all this?

Oh, I don't

think he'd do that.

He what?!

What kind of dirty old men do

you let into that place?

Or maybe he would.

I assure you

that we only have

the highest of standards...

As soon as she's ready,

I want my mother out of that

brothel you're running

and on a plane to my home

where I can take care

of her myself.

- Sweetie...

- Do you understand?

Let's not overreact here.

Mother, enough!

Discussion over!

And in the meantime,

you make sure

that lecherous,

disgusting old man

stays the hell away

from my mother!

Just let me explain.

This kind of thing doesn't

happen at our facility.

Don't go, please.

I'm sorry, Joe.

She's my daughter.

If she wants me to move,

I have to go.

But I love you, Edna.

Whoa there, Joe.

Let's not move

too quickly here.

But last night...

I'll always, always

remember last night

and I will cherish it

forever.

But, y'know, people our age,

we... we have to live every

second to the fullest.

It doesn't make any

sense for either one of us

to be tied down to

just one person.

Trust me.

You don't know it yet,

but you're like

a wild stallion

and you must run free.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

Grandpa.

I feel like I just met her

and it's over already.

She was such

a sweet woman.

Just being with her,

I wasn't so lonely.

And even when

I wasn't with her,

knowing I was gonna see

her again soon,

knowing somebody

was thinking about me,

somebody cared for me,

made it easier

to get through the day.

I can't do this again,

David.

I can't take the pain.

It hurts too much, and it

doesn't get any easier.

I know it's hard

right now.

But don't worry, Grandpa.

There's another companion

out there for you.

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