Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Page #5

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I don't even know,

but it's nice to know that it's

there if you need it, you know.

Yeah.

Yo, helmet's dope.

Looks like the tip

of Optimus Prime's dick.

See? Don't you wanna

look like Optimus Prime?

His dick?

F***, yeah!

F***, yeah! Yeah, man...

(CHUCKLES) I don't know.

Owen, please? Please, please

wear the helmet, Owen.

Come on, man. The show really needs it.

Please, man.

I mean, if it'll help the tour.

Yes.

Yeah. Dude, we're killing this!

(BEAMING)

Well, howdy, ma'am

We're the two banditos...

CONNER:
Having Hunter aboard

has really energized the tour.

Tickets are selling.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BONNER:

Hunter is the sh*t.

Aw! I love you, too, man.

(LAUGHS)

Dude!

Get off me, dude!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SINGING) Yeah, you know

we're two banditos

Yeah, you know

we're two banditos

Do a little dance

and drink a little water

Putting that helmet on Owen's head,

that was a brilliant gimmick.

I wish I'd done that with Zayn.

We could've kept him

in One Direction for years.

Prank time!

Pranks is where it's at.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you've got

to have fun on tour, yo.

(HUNTER SCREAMING)

CONNER:

Rise and shine, dude.

SPONGE:
You know he's got

that sense of humor

where it's like, "Stop now,

please." "Please stop."

But he keeps on going.

"Please stop doing this."

Eat a lot of burritos While

we're f***ing bald eagles

Let's go back to the

chorus, dude Okay

We're two cute little kittens

Yeah, we're two cute

little kittens

Yeah, we're two cute little

kittens Shut the f*** up

Conner, did you take a sh*t

in the Anne Frank House?

Do not go in there.

Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

Ace Ventura.

(SINGING) I f***ed your first

cousin with the didgeridoo

And when she came

You know, it sounded like...

(BOTH IMITATING DIDGERIDOO)

(HORN BLARES)

This is my new

best friend right here!

This my nigga!

Yeah, he's my friend!

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, listen up, everybody.

First of all, I wanna say congratulations

on a great show tonight.

ALL:
Yeah. HARRY: For

the last eight shows,

we have been sold out!

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

It's like I was... I feel like

it's finally just clicking.

Yeah. Hey, we are

on a roll, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it helping album sales?

It's got to be, right?

You know how it is, you know.

Sometimes, it takes a while for

the marketplace to catch up.

Don't worry. Definitely

helping Hunter.

This dude's album

just went gold.

Gold?

For real.

How's that even...

That's a mistake, right?

Our sh*t hasn't even gone gold.

Look, he's just having

a moment. That's all.

CONNER:
Well, how come

I'm not having a moment?

You've had tons of moments.

Don't worry. There's

plenty to go around.

Yo! Shout out to T.l.

in the house.

What's up, soldier?

What's up, Ka-el? Okay.

(ALL CHEERING)

Y'all, my man Hunter the

Hungry is in the house.

Y'all make some noise!

(ALL CHEERING)

What's up, Ka-el?

Yo! Y'all wanna hear the hottest

song on the streets right now?

ALL:
Yeah!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Stamping through the

forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus

Hunter eating beefcakes In

the back of a Ford Taurus...

Look, man, Conner got all the way to

the top of this business, you know,

and the higher you get, the harder

you fall. I mean, ask any coconut.

Thing is, is that Conner's never

been as good as with the Style Boyz.

Whatever him and Lawrence

were beefing over,

they need to figure out

a way to squash it.

Ever since Style Boyz broke up,

Lawrence has been mad at me.

He claims he wrote my

famous catchphrase verse.

Translation,

he's a jealous-ass hater

who's mad that I blew up, and he's

a farmer out in bumfuck nowhere,

but, you know,

we all have our take.

Uh, this one here,

this is my Poppy.

Uh...

It's what I got for writing

Conner's famous catchphrase verse.

If you look close, you'll

notice that it's not real

because I didn't get a Poppy

or credit of any kind.

But there is one person that

I absolutely have to thank,

and that person is me.

Me, myself, and I! I did it all by myself.

Nobody helped me.

So, yeah, (SNIFFS)

that's my Poppy.

CONNER:
I mean,

if he's so great,

how come he's not

making anything, you know?

Nothing's stopping him from going

out and writing a bunch of hits.

LAWRENCE:
After the Style Boyz,

I tried some solo projects,

but none of them

really took off.

(RAPPING) Old boots, paper

towels Shop girl, unknown fellow

Deodorant, house keys

Sweatshirt, and umbrella

A golf club,

basketball, bug spray

A laundry heap,

a pocket knife, a battery

These are the things in my Jeep

These are the things in my Jeep

AKON:
I didn't really

relate to that song

because, you know,

I had different things

in my Jeep than

he had in his Jeep.

LAWRENCE:
I don't think Conner's living

real life-I think he's in a bubble

with people telling him what he wants

to hear and kissing his ass all day.

I heard he's getting

into stage gimmicks now.

He's got Owen in

a helmet looking dumb,

and one where

he sings from a toilet.

Someone should've told him

that sh*t is whack,

but he's so afraid of failure, man.

He's just getting desperate.

Let's try it again.

On! (GROANS)

Oh, it snagged.

What's up, my confidants? Be sure

to come through to my show tonight.

I'm trying a brand new

magic trick.

You know they said

it couldn't be done.

That the trick that

was designed for a woman,

and my junk would

get all tangled,

but I figured out

how to solve it.

I think if I just

tuck it all back.

See you tonight.

Let's go.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey!

What is this, y'all?

I said upscale. You

took me to outer space.

(LAUGHS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

What do you say we take

it back down to Earth?

Whoo!

What?

This almost looks like something

that a cowboy might wear.

Are y'all looking at my chaps?

But enough horsing around.

Let's take this uptown.

How about a good old fashioned tuxedo?

There is no substitute.

Top of the world!

(CROWD MURMURING)

Oh, sh*t.

No, no. It's tucked. I shaved for

the trick. Don't post those pics.

MAN:
As they approach

the end of the dark forest...

It's an illusion. It's tucked.

I tuck it back.

OWEN:
Conner, just hold on.

CONNER:
Don't post those. It's a

tuck and take. (OWEN GRUNT S)

I don't know what

to do right now.

I wanna show you all my dick

but I can't show you my dick.

It's a great conundrum. It's a

great conundrum. (CROWD LAUGHING)

Holy sh*t, dude. Where the

f*** was your dick, dawg?

What happened out there? What

happened to the trick? (LAUGHING)

Conner, don't worry.

Nobody saw anything.

I wish they had seen something.

Now, there's 10,000 people

that think I got no dick.

(LAUGHING)

Wait. You guys know I have a dick, right?

HARRY:
Yes.

EDDIE:
You do. You do. SPONGE:

Yeah, it's just that...

HARRY:
I've always

believed you had a dick.

Right, right, right. But

like where was it, though?

Because that

motherf***er was gone.

We've gone over this.

You know I've got

to tuck my sh*t back

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