Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Page #6

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so it doesn't get tangled

up in the garments.

That makes perfect sense.

Of course.

You've got to put it

in between your legs.

Conner, don't worry about it. You

were up there for, like, 10 seconds.

Ten seconds is

an eternity, Harry.

It's a third of the way to Mars.

Conner, we've talked about this.

Thirty Seconds to Mars is the

name of a band. It's not a fact.

Look, thank you, dawg, because

this sh*t was hilarious, man.

Well, I'm so glad that I

could entertain you, Hunter.

You wouldn't happen to know

anything about this, would you?

Oh! I wish. (SCOFFS)

This is like genius prank

sh*t right here. Next level.

You would have to be the

best prankster of all time

to think of something like this,

and, well, sh*t, that's me.

Maybe I did do it.

No, I didn't do it,

or did I?

No, I didn't,

or maybe I did

not

do it.

Did you?

(LAUGHING) I didn't do it, or I did.

Who knows? I don't.

Conner, don't worry. Don't worry.

This is not news.

(HUNTER LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

What the f***?

HARRY:
Son...

The timing of that was crazy.

(NARRATOR READING)

They should call

him NoDick4Real.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(SLURPING)

(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Whoa!

It was tucked, Linda.

It's part of the show.

No. No, don't print that. CONNER:

Everywhere I look. It's insane.

Now it's on the front

page of USA Today,

the most respected

newspaper in the world.

Sweetie, relax. All we

need is a different story

to wipe it out of the press cycle.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so what?

What do we do?

Anything.

Release a new single.

Get a crazy haircut, or, uh, take

an ugly teenager to the prom.

All good ideas. Let's

keep thinking about it,

and I'm gonna go tweet

a picture of my dick.

Okay, don't really do that.

(BONNER:
Man, I just think it's gonna

really change people's perception of me

in a good, positive way,

and also I'm really glad about the

fact that we'll get married, too,

'cause I like her so much.

ASHLEY:
Conner, what's going on?

CONNER:
You'll see.

ASHLEY:
Oh, my God! ls that music?

CONNER:
Yeah.

Almost there and...

Uh-huh.

You ready?

Mmm-hmm.

(GASPS)

ASHLEY:
Are those

real wolves?

Yeah.

Conner.

ASHLEY:
My psychic told me that,

in my previous life, I was a wolf,

which makes so much sense,

but I can't believe

that Conner remembered.

And you invited the press.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

(SINGING) I landed in

London At a quarter to noon

Oh, my God, is that Seal? Yeah.

ASHLEY:
What is this?

What's going on?

I know she's exquisite

So I had to visit

Pushed my back to

the front of the door

Ever since I met you,

I knew in my heart that

you were super banging.

Ashley Wednesday

Hey, dude, you've got to kill this music.

The wolves are going crazy.

(WOLVES HOWLING)

I can't stop Seal from singing.

With impeccable style

(SNARLS)

All right, can we get the

wolves to be more quiet?

No.

(GROWLING)

(SEAL CONTINUES SINGING)

Ashley Wednesday,

will you marry me?

Please freaking say yes, girl

Yes. Yes.

(LAUGHING)

WOLF WRANGLER:
The wolves are loose!

(ALL SCREAMING)

WOLF WRANGLER:
Look out!

ASHLEY:
Sh*t!

Sh*t. Okay.

Oh, God!

Move! Run now!

(WOLVES GROWLING)

(MAN YELPS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

MAN ON RADIO:
Jesus Christ, we

got wild animals everywhere.

My God!

Get on!

Seal, come on!

Hurry!

Are you okay?

I'm fine. For a second...

(WOLF SNARLS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

ASHLEY:
Seal!

Seal! Sh*t!

CONNER:
Oh!

(HOWLING)

Oh, my God, you got him, dude!

Don't worry. I've been in

this situation before.

How do you think

I got these scars?

From wolves?

F***ing wolves. Now

let's get out of here.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What the f***?

Go!

We killed Seal. He's dead!

He's dead!

Seal is dead!

NEWSCASTER:
Conner4Real is being sued

by R&B singer Seal for $5 million.

Why would he do that to Seal?

Conner4Real is such a joke.

He disappointed all of us.

I mean like...

Did you see that proposal?

Like, I don't even think

they like each other.

'Cause Conner definitely

ain't the real deal.

He doesn't even have a dick.

I used to like Conner4Real, but

now I wish he would just go away.

JIMMY:
My first guest,

Conner4Real!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I just wanna thank Seal again

and wish him a fast recovery.

He's gonna be fine.

JIMMY:
That's great news.

That's great news, and congrats

again to you and Ashley.

Thank you. Thank you, and,

you know, don't forget,

Connquest

in stores now. Cop that.

Yeah, absolutely. (AUDIENCE

CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Can I just fanboy

out for a second?

Uh, because my favorite

thing of yours

from back in the day,

the Donkey Roll. Oh!

You got a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the kids out there,

the Donkey Roll is

from Conner's old group,

the Style Boyz, when I was...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

JIMMY:
You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I don't wanna brag but

I used to do a mean

Donkey Roll back in college.

I'm just saying.

Oh, for real?

Some said I did it

better than yours.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Come on, now.

No... (CHUCKLES)

Don't do that, Jimmy Fallon.

I think I saw Kid

Contact backstage.

Do you think that we could

get him out here and...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING)

I doubt he'd be into that.

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)

Y'all set me up?

Oh!

Okay, I'll be filling in for Kid Brain!

Roots, Donkey-Roll us!

WOMAN:
(SINGING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I love the Donkey Roll.

The Donkey Roll was the sh*t.

That's the reason why I dance.

Every junior high dance had

to end with the Donkey Roll.

I dreamed of doing the Donkey

Roll onstage with them.

Yo, that was impressive!

It's all right.

Thanks, everybody.

Yo, dude, how fun was that sh*t?

Are you serious?

OWEN:
Yeah.

I wish Lawrence

could've been here.

Owen, that sucked.

I'm trying to sell a record,

not stroll down memory lane.

That sh*t made me

look like a has-been.

(CHUCKLES) Come on, man.

The crowd loved it.

Whatever, man.

(OPENS DOOR)

Conner.

(GRUNTING)

HARRY:
Well, look, you have

to understand something.

Conner's lived

a very blessed life.

He got very successful

very, very young.

CAMERAMAN:
No, no, no.

And because of that,

he never really learned

to handle adversity

in an adult way.

How many people here bought

my new album CONNquest?

CONNER:
Ally'all are liars!

I know you didn't buy it!

Do you guys even

like me anymore?

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:

Could've seen this coming.

Conner4Real dumped by new

fiancee, Ashley Wednesday.

MALE REPORTER:
Hey, Conner,

why did Ashley dump you, bro?

Get the f*** off me.

CAMERAMAN:
Yo, man!

CONNER:
Son of a b*tch!

Yo, I could really use you out here, man.

LAWRENCE:
(ON PHONE) Mmm-hmm.

Yo, we're in Denver tomorrow.

OWEN:
Come through.

I'll send a car for you.

He really wants to apologize?

OWEN:
Yes. He really...

(BLEATS)

Stop. Down.

This business can be crazy, man.

That's why it's so important to

be around people that you trust,

that you've grown up with.

I mean...

What is that?

OWEN:
And, plus,

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