Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Page #7

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Lawrence was always the one

who could cheer

Conner up, you know.

Mmm-hmm.

Dude, please. He really needs

his real friends right now.

OWEN:
He needs you.

(BLEATS)

Yo, what's that sound

in the background?

Oh, it's just my girlfriend. I'm

having sex with her. (BLEATING)

All right, man. Maybe, you know?

Maybe. I'll think about it.

OWEN:
So last night, I caught a

little bit of this obscure old movie

called The Parent Trap, right?

In that movie, these two

little red-headed girls,

they get the idea to trick

their divorced parents

into falling back in

love with each other,

so I was like, "Yo, if I just get Lawrence

and Conner in the same room together,

"boom, they're gonna

realize that they're friends,

"and we all can all

be buddies again."

TYRUS:
(SINGING)

Mona Lisa

You're an overrated

piece of sh*t

What the f*** is this garbage

Tyrus, shut up, man.

We're watching TV.

Quiet, fool.

Leave the singing to the

professionals, please. Yeah?

You're right.

I'm sorry.

And cut softer, dawg.

(QUIET CRUNCH)

OWEN:
Dedicated to

the people of Ethpania.

We were on the road

in Spain, and I noticed

that the people there pronounce the

letter S with, like, a T-H "th" sound,

so instead of saying Spain,

they say Thpain, you know,

and it's like the whole country

has a crazy speech impediment,

so I wrote a thong about that.

In Ibitha, tha, tha, tha

Every day's a fiesta, tha, tha

Speakers boom On the dance

floor, floor, floor

Everyone is a star,

star, star, star

Our tummies are

full of Pae-jhay-ah

(CHEERING)

All right.

Thanks, man.

Man, good sh*t.

You dropped in

perfect right on that one.

Oh, thanks, man.

Thanks.

Oh, I invited Lawrence to come

to the after-party tonight,

so he might be here.

What? Lawrence is here?

Yeah, man. You know, I told you

he lives right nearby here,

so I just thought it'd

be cool for him to come.

He actually... He wanted to

apologize to you, I think...

Owen, are you trying

to Parent Trap us?

No.

CONNER:
God,

he looks like a caveman.

Look at this fool. He's

about to murder somebody.

OWEN:
I think it's just

the lighting in the limo.

What?

No, seriously, I think that

that's just his resting face.

He's just relaxing.

So, what, he'll just apologize to me,

and I'm supposed to forgive him,

and then we go back to

being a big happy family?

Something like that, yeah.

(SIGHS) All right.

Style Boyz in the house, right?

No. No.

F*** this.

No. No! Fans got

through the gate.

We've got to lock up. Let me out, man.

Unlock the doors.

Yeah, you should go, man.

Bail. That's your move.

That's not my move. That's your move.

You bailed.

I didn't bail.

People liked me best,

and you couldn't handle it,

so I did my own thing.

People liked you best

'cause of the sh*t I wrote.

They don't like your sh*t. They like

my sh*t, and they don't even know it.

Take a look around, Lawrence. If you

were so important to my success,

how come my solo sh*t's way

bigger than Style Boyz ever was?

You got Owen

making all your beats,

and now you ditched him,

and your sh*t's tanking.

Why can't you just

give me any credit, man?

Just admit that I'm talented?

Why can't you admit that I

wrote the "catchphrase" verse?

Oh, this sh*t again.

None of this garbage out

here is possible without me.

Admit that sh*t. Man, what the

f*** is going on out there?

GIRL:
Conner, sign my tits!

Ch, what this?

This is just some

beautiful-ass titties, man.

My fans ask me to sign them all

the time because they love me,

and I love them, Lawrence.

And you know what?

You need to grow up, dude,

because this right here, this is

what it's all about, my friend.

Making art. Connecting

with people.

This is that

rock star life, my man,

and I'm slurping it down like

a big old fat milkshake.

Hey, Conner?

Not now, Owen.

Just CONNER:
I'm gonna

sign these titties,

so sit back and watch how it's

done, my friend. I'm gonna...

Oh, sh*t! Oh! It's a dick!

That's one of your

fans, man. Go for it.

Can you make it out to Jenna?

Oh, hello.

That's me.

It's nice to meet you.

That's my fiance's penis. Ah.

MAN:
Big fan.

Thanks, man.

So tight. Okay.

He's inside.

I'm just gonna...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

The old John Hancock.

Are you guys getting back together?

Style Boyz?

No.

CONNER:
No.

We're thinking about it.

Right on.

I'm gonna roll the

window up now so just...

Thanks for coming by.

Great to meet you guys.

I rest my case, Lawrence.

You think you know what's up,

but in fact, you my friend,

have no idea what's going on.

Don't call me again.

Lawrence, dude.

Don't leave like that.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SQUEALS)

Sh*t.

We should probably

hit the car wash.

All work and no play

Make Hunter go crazy

All play and no work Make

Hunter feel just as depressed

I'm OJ I'm Simpson

I'm Martha I'm Plimpton

Finally heard back

from the Poppies.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they love you.

Um, they just don't have

enough room for you this year.

What? For real?

Yeah, it's a bummer. I know.

I told them to keep us in

mind if anything changes.

It could come around.

HARRY:
This business is tough.

The highs are high, and the

lows are low, you know.

It's like a wave.

You've just got to learn how

to ride the wave, you know.

Up and down, just like that.

Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

Bartending.

Style Boyz, Conner4Real.

(CHUCKLING)

That means I might be

going down again soon.

Heya, heya, ho

Harry, he's 30 minutes over.

I'm sure he'll be done soon.

I'm never gonna leave this stage!

I'm gonna die up here!

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, that's it.

Owen, get your gear.

Got it.

Frank, queue it up.

Conner, what are you doing?

I'm going on, Harry.

You better get a bedpan!

I'll be here all night, b*tch!

Who came here to see

Hunter the Hungry?

And who came here

to see Conner4Real?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CONNER:
What's up, y'all?

(LAUGHING)

What'd you just say?

Contact, skip the intro.

Go to Humble.

HUNTER:
(RAPPING) Stamping through the

forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus

CONNER:
(RAPPING) Bar none,

I am the most humblest

HUNTER:
(RAPPING) In the back of

a Ford Taurus F*** the chorus

CONNER:
(RAPPING) Number one

at the top of the humble list

(FEEDBACK)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

All right, Harry.

We've got to talk.

I know. That was a mess

out there tonight.

Yeah, we have to

get rid of Hunter.

We can't fire Hunter.

Conner, I mean he's one of the

reasons that the tour's sold out.

I want him off the tour.

Well, look he's number one

on Bonkohub right now.

Well, what number are we?

Numbers don't matter. Come on.

You know that.

God. (SIGHS) Can we

talk about this helmet?

It's crazy heavy, and it's

really hurting my back.

Owen, why are you talking right now?

Why are you in this meeting?

I'm in all of our meetings.

Dude, just leave, all right? Go

have a meeting with Lawrence.

You know it's not my fault that

the album's not selling, okay?

Don't take it out on me.

Great.

Harry, we have to get rid

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