Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping Page #8

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of Hunter, all right?

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

You represent me, not him.

Okay, look, well,

actually, technically,

full disclosure,

I represent both of you.

What?

Yeah.

You signed him?

Conner, come on.

Are you kidding me, Harry?

It's just business.

It's not to me. All right, look,

decide right now. Him or me?

Come on. Don't go there. Look,

I've got a family to feed.

What? No, you don't.

I have a niece.

We all have a niece!

You know what? (LAUGHS)

You're fired.

Conner, you're just... You're

upset, and you're overreacting.

Okay, now I've got to

collate that.

Great. Have fun collating.

There's no fun in collating!

What's up, my confidants?

Who can you really trust?

I thought I could

trust my manager,

but it turned out he was stabbing

me in the back the whole time.

I thought I could trust Seal.

I thought I could

trust the Yelp reviews

of PartyWolves.com. Really

makes you think, doesn't it?

Who's out there scheming behind my

back, trying to take what I built.

I need to find out

who I can really trust.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISTLES)

All right, y'all,

come and get them.

Conner's fancy

flapjacks right here!

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Conner.

Eat up. Eat up. Eat up.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm!

Sponge, you like those pancakes?

They're so good.

CONNER:
Yeah.

Yeah.

Eddie? Feeling these?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Dude, I'm sorry. I can't.

Conn, these are terrible, man.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you, Owen, truly.

Okay. And the rest

of you liked them?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Yup.

Well, that's very disappointing

because they are not good.

I knew it.

And the reason they're not good is

because I put dog sh*t in them.

What?

Oh! Dang, dude. That's nasty.

That's hilarious.

The reason that I did that is to

see who would tell me the truth.

Oh! Conn,

that's mad smart.

Yeah. He's always

two steps ahead.

No. No, stop

doing that, you guys.

This is what I'm talking about.

You can't just agree

with everything I say.

No doubt. No doubt. No doubt.

It's not helpful.

Got to be honest.

No, you're doing it again, all right?

Just stop.

You fed us dog sh*t?

What is wrong with you?

Owen, chill out, man.

You're the only one who passed the test.

You're good.

How the f*** can you think I

was one of your lackeys, dude?

I'm your oldest friend.

Hey, we're friends!

We're all friends.

I should've told you

to f*** off years ago,

but instead I just let you

become a bigger and bigger dick.

Look, I'm sorry, but

I've kept you on the tour.

I keep you paid.

I put food on the table.

With dog sh*t in it!

It's the thought

that counts, man.

Oh, my God.

That's it. I quit.

You can't quit.

What do I even

do anymore, Conner?

I push play on an iPod

in a robot costume.

All right,

fine, then. Go.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

(SILVERWARE CLATTERING)

CONNER:
Maximus!

I'm home, buddy.

(GRUNTS) Sometimes,

he kicks it in here. Max!

You hear that?

(MAXIMUS GROANING)

Max?

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

Why are you all white? Why

is he making that sound?

(BELCHING)

(GROANING)

Oh, f***! There's something

wrong with Maximus!

His scales are all ashy.

Come on!

No! Get out of the way! Move! Come on!

(PAPARAZZI CLAMORING)

Please! Please move!

My turtle is sick.

I've got to get him to the hospital.

He's gonna die.

Maximus! (SOBBING)

(BELCHING)

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

CONNER:
As I walk through the

valley of the shadow of death,

I take a look at my life and

realize there's nothing left.

Maximus was my best friend,

who struggled daily

with soggy bones syndrome,

but never complained once.

MARIO LOPEZ:
Conner4Real fighting with

Martin Sheen, gets knocked the "F" out.

TRACY EDMUNDS:
The guy

from The West Wing?

MALE REPORTER:
Things going from

bad to worse for Conner4Real,

seen unconscious, rolling

around town on a hoverboard.

CONNER:
Now go and join your

family in turtle heaven.

(BAGPIPE CONTINUES PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

F***, yeah!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

It's time, man. You've got

to know when to go home.

Bro, you've got to

know when to let go.

The key is don't play yourself.

That's it. Very simple.

Don't play yourself. Congratulations,

you played yourself.

You guys win.

I get the message.

I'll go away.

This is Conner4Real signing off.

(BONNER:
So,

I am back in Sac,

housesitting for my mom 'cause

she's on tour with Fall Out Boy.

Are you guys filming me?

It's been awesome, you know.

(GROANS)

Dude, which one of

y'all pissed on me?

Feels really good to reconnect

with my hometown. (SIGHS)

I've just been really living a very

simple life, kind of back to basics.

I've been watching

a lot of dressage,

which is a very elevated, uh,

competitive form of horse dancing,

and I've been doing a lot of

painting and a lot of sketching.

I'm doing a series

on show ponies.

I actually have a lot of

trouble with the hooves.

It's hard to get

like a hoof texture.

This one is, like,

pretty accurate, actually.

I'll show you guys the

horse that I based it on.

Anyway, it's not my best one.

Um, like, in retrospect,

I probably wouldn't have

used that shade of green.

I've even been selling

some of them online,

which has been

a cool new experience.

Ooh! Sold.

Eleven-fifty.

You know, it's not Conner4Real

numbers, you know,

but, in a way, it means more.

That's pretty much it, you know.

That's my life now.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Hello?

Hey!

What's up, dude?

You guys, Paula's here.

What's going on?

Just wanted to check up on you.

You want a drink?

Uh, no. It's 11:
00. It's

11:
00 in the morning.

It's 11:
30

somewhere.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)

Can we please turn this off?

(LAUGHS) Look at

those little nerds.

We were very cool for

our school district.

My birthday is awesome.

CONNER:
Yeah, man, we used to have fun.

Best birthday ever.

What the f*** happened?

Okay-

CONNER:
Oh, sh*t.

Next.

I think this is the day that

my mom gave me Maximus. Oh!

This one is from

Owen and Lawrence.

A turtle!

A turtle!

TILLY:
Oh, my goodness!

Look, Mom, they got me a turtle!

TILLY:
What do you say, sweetie?

YOUNG CONNER:
Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

TILLY:
Honey, what are

you gonna name it?

YOUNG CONNER:
I'm gonna

name it Maximus.

Get up. We're going out.

What? Oh, no,

I'm not going out.

I cannot deal with

the public right now.

Conner, it's not a question.

(SIGHS)

All right, fine,

but if we're going out,

I've got to put on my makeup.

Please don't put that on.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

This is cool. It feels good to be out.

You were right.

Good. Yeah, I'm glad I did

this, though, you know.

Makes me feel more comfortable,

more at ease. I feel at ease.

Yeah, you look really comfortable.

Yeah.

You look like Matthew Modine

had a peanut allergy.

All right.

You look like Nazi propaganda.

Okay, that's foul.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

CONNER:
Wait a minute.

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