Pork Pie Page #4

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I mean, I've since realised,

you know, that I just...

I gotta apologise about... Things.

See, anyway.

Apologise for what? Maybe I can

give you some womanly advice.

No, it's just, um...

- Suzie's awesome.

- Mm-hm.

You know, like, she's awesome,

and, uh, I just... I wasn't sure.

You weren't sure about what?

About what I was bringing

to the table. About me.

So, um, yeah.

So I just... I didn't go.

You didn't go where?

To our wedding.

Your own wedding?

It's a little bit of a f***-up,

I know. I get that.

Oh, whoa.

Dude, that's...

Oh, well, looks like

we're going to Invercargill.

Come on. Look, man,

you wanna get to Suzie, right?

- Yeah.

- Then cheers, 'cause we're going.

Yeah.

To making invercargill.

I should warn you.

I've got two rules.

I only do it once

and feelings

can't come into it, ok?

I, um...

can't promise no feelings.

Then it's no deal.

You have to protect yourself, Luke.

What if I break

your precious little heart?

It... It would have been worth it...

to have these feelings.

Oh... F***.

I have you so close that

your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes

close with my dreams.

What?

You think...

You hate it, don't you?

- No.

- You just want...

Morning.

Morning.

Where did you learn French?

Mum was a French teacher.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She started tutoring me

when I was about... 2.

And where's mum now?

She passed.

- Sorry, I didn't mean to...

- Oh.

Speak some French to me.

That sounds pretty romantic.

What'd you say?

I said you have...

mean boobies.

You little sh*t!

Bloody typical.

Oh. Um...

I think we should get off.

I mean, like, the three of us.

I mean off the train.

The three of us

should get off the train

'cause we're about

to get to the stop soon.

Oh, god.

Hey, we're almost at the station.

Where's Keira, man?

...The humane treatment of pets

and livestock to get behind us.

We're taking our message

the length of New Zealand,

all the way to invercargill.

Keira! Come on!

What are you guys doing?

We can't take this.

- I'm not leaving it.

- Why not?

Because if we leave it,

then they'll definitely know

we're in the south island.

Come on, Keira. We gotta go.

We gotta go.

It's happening in three seconds.

- One, two...

- You're a little sh*t.

I can't believe it!

Coming!

Ok. Let's do this.

Jesus.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

Like this, like this

let's do it...

Hey, hey, this is my jam.

How many dudes you know

roll like this?

How many dudes

you know flow like this?

Not many, if any

not many, if any

how many dudes you know

got the skills

to go and rock a show like this?

Uh-uh, uh-uh

I don't know anybody

I don't know anyone.

You've got a little boy band

going on here.

Yes, put me out, I'm on fire.

You're... you're hitting

the spot, mate.

How many dudes

you know roll like this?

How many dudes you know

flow like this?

Not many, if any

not many, if any

how many dudes you know

got the skills

to go and rock a show like this?

Come on, Suzie.

Hello? Davidson residence.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Uh...

Is Suzie Davidson there, please?

- Who is this?

- Uh, it's tom here from, uh...

um, tom thumb nurseries,

and, uh, Suzie was inquiring

about some geraniums,

so I'm just returning her call.

Jon, is this you?

Uh, no.

This is not Jon.

I don't even know who Jon is.

Ah! Mrs d,

please don't hang up. I just need to...

What? Holy sh*t! No way!

Where'd you get that?

It's a gift from your mate,

Dr Hannibal Lecter.

I don't have any papers, though.

- Boom.

- Boom.

See right through you

flyin', highin'

Freddy voodoo...

lucid dreaming

magic wonder...

Ok. Swapsies.

See this spell I'm under

make you wander...

- With that rhythm...

- yeah.

This was a good idea.

Oh, I am craving

some chips and some

hokey-pokey ice-cream, man.

- Oh, my god.

- Yes. Hokey-pokey.

- Hokey-pokey.

- Yes.

- Can we get some?

- Yes.

- I could actually do with hokey-pokey.

- Wait, I thought you were vegan.

- No!

- No. Oh, no. This is a dilemma.

- Oh, sh*t.

- But we want it.

Keira1 I want it!

I got the wandering eye...

I'm hungry.

I got the wandering eye

mm-mm, mm-hm, hmm

I got the wandering eye

mm-hm-mm.

Have you ever made love

when you're high?

I'm not high.

Oh, yeah. But I am.

Come on.

Goodnight, sir.

We all recognise

that when one or other goes,

the other one goes

within a very short space of time.

Oh, hey, do you have any of those,

urn, like, cassava chips?

And maybe like a beetroot dip?

I just got chip chips.

Yesterday's spectacular police chase

through the capital has gone viral,

already clocking

4 million views on YouTube.

These guys are crackerjacks.

Have you seen this?

The activists responsible for the

mayhem uploaded this message.

Our disobedience is civil

and it's just,

and we're taking our message

the length of New Zealand,

all the way to invercargill.

Baa!

They've been dubbed the blondini

gang by fans on social media,

and have ignited a viral spike

not seen since nek minnit

or the ice bucket challenge.

That is the new

Cooper s right there.

...Antics have caused

a nation-wide sensation.

Um... uh...

Right, that is $17.95, thank you.

Police are trying to identify

the daring trio

who claim to be continuing

their crusade for animal rights

all the way to invercargill.

Guys, we... oh. Oh.

Luke!

Oh, Luke. Oh, my...

Nice day for it.

This is not so funny, Keira.

What do you mean viral?

How many hits?

I don't know. Like, it's massive.

Like, ok, like the ice bucket

challenge thing.

The ice bucket...? That's awesome.

- No, it's not awesome.

- Yes, it is.

It's not awesome. They know

where we are and what we look like.

- When did you upload all of that?

- You didn't even tell him?

The protest stopped trending, alright?

I had to do something.

So, wait, you're just gonna

start a manhunt for Luke and I

and then just walk away looking

like phantom of the opera?

Oh, come on. That is not what I...

You guys didn't wanna

wear them, alright?

Anyway, they don't know

where we are.

They'll be tracking the sim

from your uploads, Keira.

They can't. It's in flight mode.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.

- I switched on data.

- What? When did you do that?

Well, back at the lake.

I downloaded that game.

Oh, Luke, you idiot!

Ok, ok, just everyone, please.

Just everyone

turn their phones off.

Keep going.

We'll escape somehow.

Bonnie and Clyde, right?

Bonnie and Clyde didn't leak

a behind-the-scenes video.

Hey, I've been the one

saying ditch the mini.

Not happening-

why not?

It's not even yours, is it, Luke?

Or your mum's. You stole it.

It's one big, fat yellow lie.

Maybe you can just apologise, Keira.

But for what, Jon? For having

the guts to stand up for something?

Look, Keira,

your protest is awesome,

but you've basically told everyone

where we are

and where we are headed.

Let me out.

What? Keira,

we're knee-deep in sheep.

- You're not...

- Let me f***ing out.

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