Pork Pie Page #5

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Keira.

I'm just trying to do

something meaningful, ok?

What are you two even doing?

I mean, f*** me!

It's like being stuck in a car

between no cause and a lost one.

She's never gonna have you back,

Jon. You're not enough man.

And you,

you need to realise that there's more

to life than boy f***ing racing!

I actually thought those were the

three qualities she admired in you.

Ugh!

You should clean this up, you know!

There's sh*t all over the road!

It's disgusting!

I'll go get her.

Oh!

Sh*t.

Copy that, all units.

That's a go for a sweep of the town.

- Whoa!

- Moving on, moving on!

- Go, man. Go.

- That's Keira.

Sh*t.

- Keira!

- Go, Luke.

- F***!

- Get out of the car!

F***!

Go, man, go.

They're about half a k back.

You did all you could, man.

Hmm.

I reckon

they're just dead-set legends.

So it doesn't bother

you that they're breaking the law?

It's giving the finger to those

idiots up in the beehive. Legends.

Well, I believe our next caller

knows one of them.

Becca from Auckland.

Hi there, Becca.

Hi, Paul.

Hi there.

We believe you know the older guy.

Heroes or downright reprobates?

What's the deal?

Um, well,

he's not exactly a hero,

but, you know,

he's not a bad guy either.

He just made a really bad call.

What do you mean?

The veganism?

Or his penchant

for civil disobedience?

No.

I mean a really bad call.

"Paul". Worse than going vegan?

It's actually a really sad story.

They were sweethearts since uni.

- Who were?

- Him and his fiance, Suzie.

Mm.

But, you know, he just...

Oh, I'm sorry. I've gotta go.

No, no, no, Becca.

You called for a reason.

What exactly did he do?

He...

He did a no-show at their wedding,

and now he wants her back.

Oh, fantastic!

What a total plonker!

This guy is a legend,

you're absolutely right. Legendary...

Oh! Oh! Argh! Son of a b*tch.

That mini was stolen

long before I took it.

But it wasn't mine to take.

When mum passed...

I took to the speedway,

and I felt closer to her.

I won almost every race.

But I owed a chop shop crew

for the stock car and all the gear.

So I started working for them,

stripping hot cars, drug runs,

wheel man on burgs, you name it.

But that's not me, bro.

Keira was right.

I'm all sh*t.

No, you're the ballsiest dude

I've ever met.

You're inspiring to me.

I mean, look at me, man.

Sh*t, I've...

I got kicked out of my flat,

I got fired by my publisher,

and I've been run to ground

by, you know, pretty much

every cop in New Zealand.

I got bagged out on national radio.

Those bastards.

But I never felt more alive.

Screw the novel. You showed me

how to write my own destiny, man.

That's where it's at.

I'm going all the way.

I gotta get to Suzie.

But, I mean, you know,

the Suzie mission, it's mine,

so, you know, you don't...

I mean, it's...

If you think that...

Oh, yeah. That's a fair call.

That's a fair call, man.

I mean, everyone's got

their own path to take.

Bro, are we taking that car

to Invercargill

or you plan on

hitching in your undies?

Whatever it takes, man.

Whatever it takes.

Well, there's your GPS fuse.

That's cool.

Are you getting baked, bro?

Weed sharpens my mind.

I do some of my clearest

thinking on weed.

And it sharpens my mind as well.

- You look ridiculous.

- Hey, sh*t's getting real.

Lay off the weed, bro.

This ain't 'call of duty'.

The road south's no good.

Come on, pork pie.

A couple of cops

never stopped you before.

Open country, choppers,

nowhere to hide.

That actually does sound

like 'call of duty'.

Do you want me

to cause a diversion?

Ok. Why don't you call 111

and tell them we're over there?

You're a genius. I'll do it.

Jon, I was joking, man!

Yes!

It's them. It's the blondini phone.

Uh, put it on speaker.

Slow down, man.

Ah! Sh*t!

Yes! Yes! That's what

I'm talking about, brother! Whoo!

Hey, look at those people.

Those people recognise us.

They're like fans

or friends or something.

Baa!

Whoo!

Baa!

Whoo!

Freedom of sheep!

Freedom of sheep!

Don't let them pull the wool

over your eyes, ladies!

Don't eat your friends for dinner!

Baa!

Sir, that is a nice jumper.

Clearly a sheep lover.

Ah, f*** off.

Ah. Oh.

Maybe could've phrased

that last one a little bit better.

Hey, guys!

Pull over! Hey!

Wait, who...? Who is that?

- Hey, guys, pull over!

- Who does he think he is?

- Who do you think you are?

- I'm bongo.

I'm a mate, yeah? You guys

are amazing. I love you guys.

- Nah, nah, man. I don't trust him.

- Yeah, nah. We're ok, man.

- You guys are f***ed!

- Hey, that's not friendly.

Whoa.

I'm just calling it like it is, eh?

The cops have blocked all the roads

between here and Clyde.

They've got two choppers, eh,

sweeping up from the south.

They're after you, man.

They're after ya!

Where? How does he know that?

- It's a...

- No, no, ask him.

- Oh, oh. How do you know that?

- I've got a police scanner, eh?

He's got a police scanner.

Nah, man. If he wants to follow us,

he can get a Twitter account.

- Sorry, man, nah, we're good.

- I'm on Twitter.

- No, we're all good.

- I'm here to help!

- F***ing crazy.

- You need some petrol, guys?

I can get you some petrol.

I can source that for you.

I've got it back in my shed.

I've also got some mannequins.

Petrol.

Slide it in, mate. Just slide it in

nice and tight. Yeah, that's it.

I can help you guys if you want.

Anything you need.

Uh, petrol's all we need.

I can get a... hey, I can get us

50 K's south through the farm, yeah?

Slip the noose.

So we... so...

Uh, there's no us, bro.

How much do we owe you

for the gas?

I'll Chuck in the gas for free

as a joining fee.

F...

There's... there's no joining.

But you're one man down, mate.

Yeah, and I'm...

No, we're not a man down.

We're good.

It's good, bro. We're good.

When it comes down to it, guys,

you're gonna need

some hardware, right?

Um, we're a peaceful protest, mate.

Ooh!

I can shoot a man 3 k away

with this one.

Yeah, he wouldn't even know

what hit him.

He could be doing anything.

He could be, I don't know...

He could be hanging out

his washing, for example.

Yeah? And thinking to himself,

"I've got a little bit of a bloat."

"Maybe I should switch

to almond milk."

And then I'm there, and then bang!

He's dead.

And his last thought

was almond milk.

Hey, Pongo, we're just gonna

take the gas, I think...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- The name is bongo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro.

Easy. Look, look, look. It's all good.

You... you passed. You passed.

Passed what?

This test.

This whole thing was just a test.

What? What kind of test?

- Well, um...

- What the f*** was the name? Quick.

- The blondini...

- Yeah, blondini.

- Test.

- The blondini test.

We just wanted to see if you'd go

all the way, and you took it...

All the way, man. All the way.

Yes, yes. You nailed it, man.

- That was all a test?

- Yeah, it was a test.

You just tested me,

and I pa... And I passed?

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