Pottersville Page #3

---

heard, it sounds to me

like we should start our search

at the Grasshopper Hill.

If any of you would like to

join us, despite the peril,

we could use your help.

I could form a search party.

Much obliged, sheriff. Cheers.

Cheers back to you.

I'm a huge fan of you.

I'm gonna get you an autograph.

Remind me to get him an autograph.

- Don't forget.

- Oh my God.

Well, well, this is

quite a turn out.

Sheriff, if you don't mind.

All right folks, I want you to spread

out and form a single-file line.

A single-file line, people.

Now, these are not toys.

Not a toy. All right?

These are only to be used if you find

something or run into some evidence.

And if you do, make sure

you don't touch anything.

Do not touch anything.

- Is there an echo out here?

- Sorry.

Showtime.

One for you and for

you, nice lady.

What did you find?

Well, I saw this, but

I didn't know if...

Dang it, Jasper, it's

just a dead deer.

Did I not tell you that

these were not toys?

I know, but...

Are you stoned, Jasper?

Because I swear, I will drag

you down to the station,

- and I will drug test your butt.

- He will drug test your butt.

Wait, wait, look here.

That is very

interesting, isn't it?

Very interesting indeed.

Do you see how the leg

is snapped back there?

- Only a Squatch would do that.

- Or a hole.

What's that, then?

Probably stepped in a hole, broke

its leg and died from exposure.

For your information, this

type of injury is mostly seen

amongst the deer of the Mt.

Tamborine region of Queensland,

caused by the Australian Yowie.

I have heard of rare instances

where it's been done by its

North American cousin...

The Bigfoot.

But I've never seen it

before with my own eyes...

until right now.

So, thanks for the input, mate, but...

I think I'm the expert here.

Now, now.

This was definitely a Squatch.

Spike, we'll go one

more as a promo, yeah?

- Great idea.

- Keep me in like a cowboy, yeah?

You got me?

Three, two...

There's definitely a

Squatch in these woods.

One more. I'm gonna do the spectacles

because it's kind of neat.

Change up.

Three, two...

There's definitely a

Squatch in these woods.

I didn't love that one. I'm

gonna go one more time. And...

Really be with me on when "There's

a Squatch in the woods," yeah?

All right.

Action.

There's definitely a

Squatch in these woods.

- That one. Great.

- Yeah.

Now where do we get a Foster's?

Foster's. It's

Australian for beer.

Oh, beer.

So, what do you do now, Mr.

Masterson?

Now we must track the beast.

We must venture out at night. Alone.

That's very important.

The Squatch is a primarily

nocturnal creature.

It will be incredibly dangerous,

but we must strive to get some film

or photographic evidence of it.

So, are we actually

gonna be on TV?

Unless anybody's got a problem

with this town being... famous.

I'm not sure how many of you saw

my adventure into to the Himalaya

to search of the Yeti?

You were so brave.

Do you ever dress up like the

animals you're in search of?

You know, like camouflage?

Can't say that I have, but

I like your thinking.

Somebody get me a net, I

think I found a mermaid.

She's not. She's got legs.

I wrote a little song about

my quest for the Yeti,

and I don't suppose you'd like me to

play for you right now, would you?

No, I couldn't.

This is dedicated

to Nelson Mandela.

Sorry.

Always chokes me up. Thank you.

- Hey, I need to...

- Not now, Maynard.

Brock is about to sing.

I took a trek on

the outer ridge

Saw many amazing things

I crossed land and

water and bridge

Like a bird

without its wings

And then days and

days of searching

All hope was lost in sight

My body tired and lurching

I gathered up my might

And there it was

in the distance

Wandering amongst the trees

It left me in a

magical trance

My one and only Yeti

Oh my Yeti

You strange and

wonderful beast

Oh Yeti Oh Yeti

Oh my Yeti

We shared one moment

At least

There's a lot more verses, but I'm

not gonna bore you with that.

I couldn't possibly.

I did write a poem

about the Chupacabra.

Now, you all know who I am.

What I do for a living.

If you really wanna put

this town on the map...

be world famous, flooded

with tourists...

We gotta be the first to catch

this Bigfoot, or Squatch,

or Yeti... whatever you call it.

Well, I'll catch this bird for

you, but it won't be easy.

It won't be like catching a squirrel

or a cute little bunny rabbit.

And it won't be pleasant.

But you all gotta make up

your minds about something.

I mean, do you wanna go back to

being the same old, boring town,

or be the Pottersville that

the whole world knows about?

'Cause I'll find him.

I'll catch him.

And it'll give you a hell of

a lot more than one TV show.

Thanks Bart, we'll take

that into consideration.

Think about it.

Let me know.

Sheriff.

Mr. Singing Television Man.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Connie, please don't

say anything.

Okay? I just need you to sit there

for a moment and listen to me.

I'm Bigfoot.

I know... I know it

sounds crazy, but I am.

I mean, I'm not, obviously.

Really, it's just a costume.

You know how you

said you loved it?

And you said you needed some

excitement in your life, and...

and this is the most exciting

thing to happen for years?

That's why I did it.

I did it for you.

I did it for all Pottersville.

Now I just need to keep this thing going

long enough until they get their show.

So many people have

their heart set on it.

I can't let them down.

I just thought you should know.

- Hey, Ali?

- Yeah?

Can you find out if there's a place

in town that does eyebrow threading?

- Oh, yeah.

- I'd like them tweaked a little bit.

Okay. Shall we? Yeah?

I will bite it off if you do that again.

I'll bite the hand clean off.

- Swallow it.

- Please don't touch him.

Thanks.

Good luck to cowboy. Yeah?

- The opening?

- We're set.

We'll do the whole

opening from the top.

And in three, two, one.

I'm coming in hot.

We get our first shot. And...

Here we are out at Grasshopper

Hill, amidst the flora and fauna,

where there have been numerous

reports of a Sasquatch.

Well, we've all...

What are you doing?

I'm sorry?

You're sorry?

You're sorry? You're... in my eye line

when I'm doing the intro of my lifetime.

Maybe the greatest intro ever and I've

got you in my eye line with this.

What's that? Are you

a professional?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- I was...

- Why don't you use your head, mate?

- What were you doing?

- I was...

I was...

- I was checking the light.

- Checking the light.

He's checking the light.

How was it?

How's the light?

- 'Cause the show now is rubbish.

- I'm sorry.

- He's sorry.

- It won't happen again.

Sorry and it won't happen again.

It will not happen again,

because I'll use your butt

as Bigfoot bait, okay?

- It won't happen again.

- It won't happen again.

Ready? Shall we try it again?

Without this idiot in my shot?

Okay. Ready?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes