Pottersville Page #4

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Best show ever. Here we go.

First positions. Everybody knows

where they're supposed to be. Okay.

I'm gonna prep it and come in hot.

Coming in hot. Okay.

Three, two, one.

We're out here at

Grasshopper Hill.

Let's switch on

the night vision.

And see if this Squatch wants

to come out and dance.

There is an

interesting detail...

which is that the Squatch, particularly

the North American Squatch,

he's drawn to wood.

And the reason being because the

wood has so much sap in it...

it's got tons and tons of sap,

and the Squatch

feeds on this sap,

to feed its powerful libido.

Let's see if we

can draw him out.

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

Come out for sap.

Did you hear the rustle?

We've got something.

I think we've got something.

Let's see...

if we can get this Squatch

to respond to our claps.

The Squatch is inclined to

mimic us, its human cousin.

Let's see if it will

mimic my claps.

We'll go again.

Come out and dance, Squatch.

Come out and dance.

We've got something.

Okay. Selfie stick.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I, Brock Masterson,

here at Grasshopper

Hill, shall now attempt

to communicate with the Squatch.

Wilkins, okay, best work ever,

but you're way too close.

Back it off a little, please.

- That wasn't me.

- Okay. Very, very funny, mate.

You sound great, but it's way

too close so back it off,

and, like, 50 percent

of that, okay?

I'm telling you that

wasn't me, I swear.

Wilkins?

Wilkins?

I think there's something

really out here.

What?

I don't know, but it just ran past me

and he's heading in your direction.

I don't think they

got their picture.

Great. I'm all packed, we'll

get the hell out of here.

You can cut the Brock

routine, it's only me.

- Where's your stuff?

- I've been thinking...

- I just talked to the network...

- No...

I'm done with this nonsense

and this ridiculous

third-rate cable TV show

that, by the way, is just

barely beating the Family Feud.

- Just hear me out.

- No. Ain't gonna happen, okay?

Are you nuts? I'm not gonna let my ass

get eaten by Bigfoot, or Sasquatch,

or whatever the hell thing

is out in the woods.

- I will not let that happen.

- Did you see that thing?

Obviously, I wouldn't have done

this if I thought Bigfoot was real.

Calm down.

This is what we do.

We get that local hunter guy, you

know, with the fingernails...

- Are you nuts?

- I talked to network, they love the idea.

Think about it, not only

does it make a great show,

but if he actually

catches Bigfoot...

You mean, if I actually

catch Bigfoot.

Right, if you catch Bigfoot,

you will be the biggest

star in the world.

- You really think so?

- Are you kidding me?

It would be the greatest

moment in television history.

So, I think what you mean is...

it would get me off this

stupid show, right?

I mean, if I catch Bigfoot,

that's our biggest episode ever.

No way to top that.

Perfect time to retire Brock.

Blaze of glory.

- Start doing movies like we talked about.

- That's what I'm saying.

So what do you think?

Crikey!

I know. This face is such

a movie face, right?

Such good face.

Yeah?

Bart, it's me.

Who the hell is me?

It's me, Bart. It's Jack.

The sheriff.

If you've come for my

still, you can piss off.

I'm not here for

the still, Bart.

Look, I got a couple of people

out here who wanna talk to you.

People from the TV studio.

Hi.

- What do you want?

- We want you to help us catch Bigfoot.

How much?

We can pay you 5,000 dollars.

Five thousand to go with you,

10,000 to find him and catch him.

- Fine.

- And we do it my way.

- Meaning what?

- We go alone.

You and me alone in the woods?

What about the crew? We

have a whole show to shoot.

I suggest you bring your camera.

Not quite that simple, mate.

- We can figure it out.

- There's hair and makeup and such.

We're not going to catch imps and fairies.

We're going out to catch...

You know what? I'm coming with.

- The hell you are.

- Actually, wait.

I think... that, actually,

is a very good idea.

Bart, I'm the sheriff, okay?

And if we're gonna catch

Bigfoot, I'm gonna be there.

It's a great idea.

Alright, the three of us.

We ain't opening a beauty parlor.

By the truck in ten.

Go on.

Ten minutes by the truck.

We love your house.

Couldn't be a beauty parlor

under the circumstances.

I just don't understand

even the reference.

Keep the change. Don't

worry about it.

Gee, thanks. Enjoy your

stay in Pottersville.

Let's go, boys.

I suppose the next thing

you're gonna tell me

is that you had

lunch with Bigfoot.

Did he ask for his pants back?

Are you calling me fat?

- If the shoe fits...

- Ladies, what in the world?

She's trying to say that she's

seen Bigfoot more than I have.

But everybody knows she's just

trying to get on the show.

All right, that's enough.

You two should be

ashamed of yourselves.

Good Lord, what is

going on around here?

Thank you.

Step right up, folks, get your

brand new Bigfoot merchandise.

That's right. Get it while

we still have a Bigfoot.

What did you mean, "while

we still have a Bigfoot"?

Because of Bart.

- What about him?

- You didn't hear?

They're putting him

on Monster Finder.

What?

You know Bart, if anybody can

catch Bigfoot, it's him.

- Let's get these unpacked.

- Okay.

You got it.

Guns, huh?

How the hell did you think we were gonna

catch him, with a big butterfly net?

Oh, yeah. We can't

kill it, right?

Just tranq' guns, Brock.

Make him go beddie-byes.

Right, tranq' guns.

- Tranq' guns, Eileen, I knew that.

- What?

I was testing you guys. Of

course they are tranq' guns.

Sheriff, would you be a doll?

I got a bit of a Yoga injury.

I got a Yoga injury. Thank you.

Thanks, lovely.

I wish they'd find whoever's doing

it and just be done with it already.

Doing what?

Pretending to be Bigfoot.

How do you know it's

someone pretending?

Because there's no such

thing as a Bigfoot.

Hmm.

What's all that crap?

Just a few essentials.

Some night vision.

Helmet cam, light meter.

Pheromone spectrometer

which is my own design.

It reads the pheromones

of beasts or monsters.

You're so great, why

do you need me?

- Jack, pick up that tent, would you?

- Tent?

Are we spending the night?

What did you think, we were

going for a couple hours,

be back in time for you to

watch Dancing with the Stars?

This is a hunt, not

a day at the spa.

How long are we

planning on staying?

Until we catch him!

Okay, Mr. Singing Dancing Television

Man, times-a-wasting. Get in the car.

What? You'll be fine.

- You'll be fine.

- Oh, my God.

I'll try and bring him

back in one piece.

Give me a break.

I bet a dollar to a dime that

it's just some prankster out there

having a big laugh at our expense.

But if it's a hoax, I don't

think he's trying to be mean.

Look at how happy

he's made everybody.

At first, but the whole

town has changed.

Now everyone is dying to get

on that stupid TV show.

I think they're just looking for

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