Pottersville Page #5

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something that gives them a little hope.

So, if it's not really a Bigfoot,

if it's just some guy pretending,

what do you think they'll do

to him if they catch him?

Hell, knowing Bart, probably shoot

him and hang his head on the wall.

I'll get him.

I'm just outside

of Pottersville,

where it is nine o'clock

in the post meridian.

And, ladies and gentlemen, for the

first time in Monster Finder history,

this find has proven to be so treacherous

that I am out here completely alone.

Aided only by the sheriff,

for legal reasons,

and a local guide...

who is quite curmudgeonly.

What the hell is he doing?

I think he's filming

his TV show.

Is that thing gonna

be on the whole time?

Guys, please. I'm filming my show. That

means I've gotta capture everything.

Sorry.

Can we watch?

Yes. In fact, I think you should

watch, so you can get ready.

For what?

For the Bigfoot, mate.

For the Bigfoot.

Now, I shall try to

communicate with the beast.

You having bowel problems?

I'm communicating

with the Squatch.

By yodeling?

- It's a mating call.

- Oh. So you wanna hump Bigfoot?

It's a coyote.

That's his way of

communicating with us.

It's a coyote.

Very specifically...

there's a Squatch

pretending to be a coyote.

It just gets wilder.

That's what the Squatch does.

See.

Definitely a coyote.

Okay, fine.

- That's for sure. It's a coyote.

- Definitely a coyote.

Fine...

Get out a secret weapon.

Secret weapon.

You gonna write another one

of them Yeti love songs?

A secret weapon against the Squatch...

is our humanity.

So we shall try to lure him

in with the gift of melody.

Maybe we're gonna have one of them...

Bigfoot hoe-downs.

I hope you got some

more moonshine.

- What?

- You're gonna wake the whole county.

- You think it's stupid, don't you?

- No, I don't think you're stupid.

I just think maybe sometimes when it

comes to thinking, you have bad luck.

I don't understand why it's not working.

It worked perfectly last time.

I hear you, brother, but I've laid bait

and tripwire around the perimeter,

so we'll know when he's coming.

Bait and tripwire. Is that safe?

You okay?

Do you want me to do that?

No, I'm fine.

You can take off if you want.

I'll wait till you're done.

I'll get the bank bag, I can

drop it off on my way home.

Great. Thanks.

Thanks.

What?

Do you need anything else?

Nope, all good.

Thanks for doing it.

Good night, Maynard.

What the hell was that?

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- If you see Bigfoot, shoot him.

I've set up bait and tripwire

around the perimeter of the camp,

and the tripwire has

just been tripped.

So, let's see if we've

got ourselves a Squatch.

What the...?

I think I got him. I

think I got Bigfoot!

What happened?

You shot Jack.

- Where's Bigfoot?

- There's no Bigfoot.

It was just one of your coyotes looking for

a romantic evening of dinner and song.

- Is he gonna be all right?

- He'll be all right, just taking a nap.

Nobody died on this trip.

Yet.

'Cause I'll find

him, I'll catch him.

Is there anything

you can't catch?

You know Bart. If anybody can

catch Bigfoot, it's him.

Probably shoot him and

hang his head on the wall.

Hey, it's me. You gotta

get me out of here.

Why? What's the matter?

We didn't hear a peep

from Bigfoot all night.

And I haven't slept

and I haven't eaten,

and on top of everything else, I'm

taking a crap in the woods right now.

- Are you serious?

- Yes, I'm pooping right now...

- while I'm talking to you.

- Ew. That is so gross.

What am I supposed to do? It's not

like there are bathrooms here.

First of all, you could not

call me while you're doing it.

Besides, what are you

doing about toilet paper?

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

Oh, God. You gotta get

me out of this hell.

I have some Purell, but I

don't think that's gonna...

Hello?

Hello?

- No phones on my hunt.

- Great! That's just great!

What do we do now if there's

an actual emergency?

Relax. You're the expert.

I will have you know, I

have low blood sugar

and we haven't eaten since

we've been out here.

I could get light-headed.

You're hungry? Why

didn't you say so?

Here.

There.

It's protein. It's okay.

Are you mad?

You better pick that up. Your

breakfast is getting away.

I've lost my appetite.

Have it your way. I just wouldn't

want you to die of light-headedness.

You owe me an iPhone.

- That'll be one dollar.

- A dollar?

Unbelievable. Five bucks in the city. I'll

buy a bunch of these before we leave.

When is that gonna be, actually?

Well, if they don't find something

tonight, he's outta there.

He's not gonna make it another night.

No way.

And then this whole trip

will have been a bust.

We got some footage.

We can't air a show without

any Bigfoot evidence

and him running around looking

scared out of his mind.

Thank you.

Let's go.

Good evening, Jack.

You've been sleeping all day,

and he's been sulking all day.

Here you go, Jack. Come on over here.

All is forgiven.

He knows you didn't

mean to shoot him.

Why don't you tell us

all about Bigfoot?

Who knows? It may help us to catch him.

Come on.

- You have any of that moonshine left?

- If a snake had ears would you screw it?

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing.

You wanna hang out,

have a couple of beers?

I don't think I'm in the mood.

Why don't you come over? We'll

watch a movie and make popcorn.

I'm not up for a movie tonight.

Thanks, though.

You sure? I make a

mean Jiffy Pop.

I know you do, I just...

It's been a long couple

of weeks, you know?

Rain check?

Any time.

Night, May.

Night, Park.

Oh, hey...

You mind?

Of course not.

Are you trying to tell me that

Bigfoot is really an alien?

No. Not...

Not just an alien...

an alien criminal...

who has been dropped and

left on this planet

as punishment for his crimes.

Are you trying to say that Earth

is like a prison for Bigfoot?

Exactly.

- It's a prison for Bigfoot.

- Exactly.

It's a prison. The whole

thing is a prison.

So when we catch him, Jack, you're

gonna have to read him his rights.

Mr. Television Man, may I

ask a couple of questions?

Of course, mate.

Bigfoot's paws...

What differentiates Bigfoot's

paws from other animals?

Yeah, the...

He's asking about the...

- Bigfoot's paws.

- Yeah.

Bigfoot scat. You ever

find any of that?

That must be really interesting.

- Scat?

- Scat.

- Scat?

- Scat.

I'm so glad you asked me

about the scat, because...

Nickel for all the times school

children asked me about the scat.

I guess I would say

about the scat...

The scat is my favorite

part of the job.

You know, put my hands in it.

I get right in there.

Yeah.

I'm a bit drunk, but that

is definitely not a coyote.

I have no idea what that was.

- Maybe that's our Squatch.

- Wait a minute.

Only one way to find out.

What day is this?

Hey, Bart. Hey, Brock.

Hey, guys?

May? May, I know your secret.

May?

May?

Get that out of my face.

Come on.

Guys...

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