Pottersville Page #6

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What the devil is

happening out here?

Probably a UFO dropping

off Bigfoot prisoners.

Sweet Yowie, how many monsters

you got in these woods?

Hey guys, there's nothing there.

Let's go back.

It's obviously something.

It got our attention, you can

bet your butt it got Bigfoot's.

That's why I wanna go back,

because if Bigfoot's...

Jack, you're not making sense.

I've gotta film

this for my show.

Bart, come on...

Oh, hell.

What the...?

Welcome to our first annual

Squatch Watch Spirit Gathering.

Your what? Oh, no.

Quit that, lady.

- Quit that!

- We're here to see Bigfoot.

- We love Bigfoot.

- You people, you have to go.

- We love Bigfoot.

- You have to get out of here.

Do your loving somewhere else.

Jack, come over her.

Help me out.

All right, folks. My

friend here is right.

This is not really the time,

definitely not the place for the...

Feels kind of amazing.

Jack, moonshine and tranquilizer

is not a good combination.

Get the hell away from me.

- He's one of us.

- One of us.

One of us.

I wanna be your

fuzzy little joey.

One of us.

What the hell is "one of us"?

- We're furries.

- What the hell's a furry?

A furry is a person.

They're people...

who just happen to like to

dress up in furry clothes

and rub up against each another.

And I'll tell you

something else, Bart...

I'm a furry, okay, and

I'm damn proud of it!

Okay. That's it! Out of here!

But, we love Bigfoot.

Lady, once I have Bigfoot

stuffed and mounted,

you're welcome to rub up

against him all you want.

But until then, get your skinny

little chicken ass out of here.

She's a bunny, Bart.

She's a bunny!

- What?

- She's a bunny.

It doesn't work as a chicken.

She's a bunny!

Okay, then hop it

on out of here.

Go on! I'm gonna count to ten.

One...

If you wanna come to the next

meeting, just let me know.

I will.

I will and I do and I will.

Come on! Out!

Come on!

Now, as for you two.

Was that a real gun

you shot back there?

Yep, and I'll use it again

if either one of you tries to

get into this tent tonight.

Do your thing, Mr.

Television Man.

What thing?

You know, that howling,

yodeling thing you do.

I thought you said

it was stupid.

No, it's perfect.

You hear something?

Just shut up and do it.

Jack, you stay here.

I need you to film me.

Okay.

- Okay.

- Keep that right on me.

- Right.

- This is my good side.

Stay on the face.

Stay on my face.

He's out there. He's

definitely out there.

He's getting closer.

Sorry.

Did I get him?

Did I get him?

Did I get him?

Yeah, you got him.

You got him, all right.

Hey, Pottersville, I found Bigfoot!

Follow me!

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

Bigfoot can be

seen by the stars.

Monster found!

Pick up, pick up.

Come on, May, pick up the phone.

Ladies and gentlemen,

what you are about to witness is

not just television history...

it's also scientific history.

It's also world history.

It may, in fact, be the most significant

event in the history of mankind.

Because I have managed to do

what no one else ever could.

Which is capture the world's

most elusive beast.

Without further

ado, I present...

Bigfoot.

Maynard!

Maynard!

Maynard.

Maynard. What did you do to him?

I caught him. That's

my job, isn't it?

- This isn't Bigfoot!

- Of course it is.

Is this really what you do for a living?

This is Maynard Greiger.

He runs the general store.

Maynard.

- Maynard.

- Sh*t.

It's okay, Park. He's

gonna be all right.

I just popped him with

a tranquilizer dart.

Was that you in the

forest this entire time?

Maynard, are you okay?

So, this is all a big hoax?

Cameras off!

- Hey...

- This is a big hoax, isn't it?

Do you know who I am?

This was gonna be my

biggest show ever!

It was gonna make me a star!

Well, guess what?

I am gonna sue Pottersville.

How do you like that?

That's right. You'll be ruined!

I don't care if a colony of Bigfoot

moves in and builds houses,

and starts raising their kids and

marching their kids back and forth

to school across the square every day,

and singing karaoke at the karaoke bar!

No one's ever gonna see it!

Because from now on,

Pottersville will be known as a

town of fakes and phonies...

and freaks.

G'day, morons.

Did somebody say they

needed a Bigfoot?

Well, nice work, Maynard, now the

whole town is gonna get sued.

There goes Christmas.

And we can all kiss a

Happy New Year goodbye.

I ought to stick a "big

foot" up your ass.

Hey, little bunny.

I was thinking maybe I can

come over later and...

I'd love for you to come by tomorrow,

Maynard, and pack your stuff and leave.

We all just wanted

to meet Bigfoot,

and you made us look

like a bunch of idiots.

I'm sorry.

You okay, pal?

So you will be seeking

legal action?

That's right, yeah.

It's the opposite of a class-action suit,

because it's me against 80 people.

It's like un-classy suit.

It's not what you call it, but

I'm suing for damages, yeah.

I have heard a

number, an estimate,

somewhere in the ballpark of 150

million dollars in damages.

Is that what you

will be seeking?

I couldn't say, and I won't say.

I'm not allowed to say,

but that's accurate, yes.

I can't promise you anybody's gonna show

up, I mean, people are pretty upset.

But you know his heart

was in the right place.

Yeah. Well, I'll do my best.

Hi. Is there a Maynard

Greiger here?

I don't get it.

Don't you know how much he loves

you, how much he loves this town?

Maynard's family has owned and operated

the general store for generations.

He's over there right now,

packing up his shop because...

he doesn't know what else to do.

He feels like he

doesn't belong here.

Well, he did ruin our shot.

Your shot at what?

Fame, fortune. Being on TV.

And how did he ruin it, exactly?

By pretending to be Bigfoot.

How much Bigfoot merchandise

did you sell out of his store?

Did you ever offer him anything?

Did he ever ask for

anything in return?

He's given everything

to Pottersville.

I mean everything.

He's tried so hard to keep us and

this town afloat that, honestly,

I don't know if he could

afford to keep his store open

even if he felt like

you wanted him to.

You've all seen this.

You know what it's for.

And at one time or another, when

you were down on your luck,

each and every one of you asked Maynard

to put your name in this book.

Has he ever refused any of you?

Now when he needs our help, your

answer is to turn your back on him?

Well, before you decide

that he ruined your shot,

or your Christmas, or your Happy New Year,

I just want you to take a look at this.

Then you can tell me if you're still

upset with him for pretending.

It's empty.

Yeah.

Now we go live

to Stacy Gutierrez

for a story you'll only find

here on Channel 13 News. Stacy.

Thank you, John.

Hi, this is Stacy Gutierrez

reporting live on Christmas Eve

here in Pottersville, but

all is not merry and bright

as the town is still reeling

from the Bigfoot hoax.

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