Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #10

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But we're gonna kick his ass,

because that's how we do.

Whoo!

[ROSE LAUGHS]

Motch paid me 50 grand

to make a few appearances.

We're not back together.

Put your arm around me.

Now, remember,

y'all have to support Cam Brady.

Cam Brady '012. Whoo!

ROSE:

Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!

Well, let's be honest.

We're getting our tushes handed to us.

You're only eight points down, Marty.

There's a chance we could make it up

before the polls open tomorrow.

-Hello, Mitzi.

MlTZl:
Hey, Marty.

Look, after 1 7 years of faithful marriage...

...l did a bad, stupid thing.

l got crazy, Marty.

l lost myself and who l am.

And l'll be sorry for the rest of my life.

Well, you should be.

You hurt my feelings, Mitzi.

And l don't get my feelings hurt that much,

you know?

But l'm to blame too.

l turned my back on the boys and you.

And to the people of this town.

l got all messed up with the hoopla

of bigtime politics...

...and look who l am now.

l ain't much of nothing.

Marty, tomorrow is election day.

You're not gonna win.

And that means they'll destroy this town.

You've got 14 hours

till they open up those polls.

We're up against some dirty players.

lt's time to save this town.

Now, when you say something like that...

...l do get a little careless whisper

in my body.

-Do you?

-Mm-hm.

Be my Drew Carey.

Mitzi Huggins, come on down.

MlTZl:

Oh. Oh, l'm dizzy.

Okay, people.

lt's time to get to work. Let's do it.

KElTH OLBERMANN:
It's election day.

Polls are opening on the East Coast.

CHRlS MATTHEWS:
Record turnout

in North Carolina's 1 4th district..

...where Cam Brady is solidly ahead.

-All right.

-That's how we do.

Ha, ha. Hello.

Stuart, do you still have those

TV commercial spots available for today?

-Mm-hm.

-Okay.

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody.

Check out these TVs.

Hello, l'm Marty Huggins.

I'm running to be your congressman.

I've spent my last penny on this ad

to tell everyone in the district one thing.

I have not been honest with you.

See, the truth is,

big money is running politics in America.

Billionaires and corporations

have given me millions of dollars...

...to say what they want me to say.

What the hell is he doing?

And most of the time,

what they want me to say is a lie.

Well, I'm not doing it anymore.

But on this election day,

if you choose to vote for me, know this:

l will never take another dime

from any billionaire or corporation.

And to get the ball rolling,

l will tell you the darkest secrets of my life.

On October 23rd, 1 996, at 2:1 1 p.m...

...l farted in a very crowded elevator

and blamed it on a war veteran.

l would like to apologize to that woman.

Last year, l attended a Halloween party

dressed up as Lady Gaga.

l felt so alive and free,

l did not take off the costume for two days.

As a prank, when l was 1 5...

...my big brother told me

you have to masturbate with your feet.

And to this day, that's how l do it.

[GRUMBLES]

This feels good. Ahem.

Everyone, turn to the person next to you,

reach in your heart, and let it speak.

l had an affair with the waitress

at Ruby Tuesdays.

So did l.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

l run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort.

l'm your twin sister.

Sometimes when l get a little drunk,

l let kids touch my old lady's titty.

Ninety percent of the time,

l have no idea what the f*** l'm talking about.

l tried to kill you in your sleep.

What?

Three times.

You see, telling the truth feels good,

and it's what this country was built on.

I'm Marty Huggins,

and this is one message l approve.

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, Mr. Raymond.

Here you go, your afternoon refreshment.

-Mrs. Yao?

-Yeah.

Do you know what l like most

about your Asian boys?

YAO:

Hmm?

They respect their elders

and do as they're told.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE]

You have been saying for years...

...how you want Marty to stand up

and be his own man.

Well, he's finally done it.

You should be proud of him.

-What did you say?

-Oh, right. Uh....

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT]

Your son Marty be standing up like a man...

...but his pappy gots to support him.

[GRUNTS THEN SCOFFS]

[lN NORMAL VOlCE]

This is bullshit.

[YAO GRUMBLES]

Election day winding down.

North Carolina's 1 4th district

one of the last to call it.

And today opponent Marty Huggins

did the craziest stunt to date.

Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be

the most honest congressman out there.

Listen, guys,

he opened his life up, and it's worked.

He's up in the polls.

The whole country is still waiting

on the result.

COUNClLMAN:
Ahem. We have a winner,

as verified by the State Election Board.

And the results were as follows.

With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady.

[CHEERlNG]

And now for the results for Martin Huggins:

-Yeah! Whoo!

-All right. Whoo!

[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S

"TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG]

How can that be?

We were up 1 0,000 votes in the exit polls.

How can that be?

Who's taking care of business now?

-Thank you.

-We did it, baby. We did it.

lt's you and me against the world forever.

MAN 1 [OVER SPEAKER]:

Cam Brady!

-Thank you. Thank you so much.

MAN 2:
Well done.

Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you.

Thank you.

-Mitzi.

-Cam.

Sorry.

CAM:

Hey, Marty.

Why are you so upset?

You ran a hell of a campaign.

-l mean, you got a real talent for this.

-You still don't get it, do you?

l didn't do this for some career.

l did this because l love my home

and l wanted to help out.

Just like you did when you took down

that jaggedy jungle gym...

...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me.

-lt got you too.

-Yeah.

l remember that jaggedy jungle gym.

-Ow.

-Look at this.

[CAM GASPS]

Oh, no.

Doctors said it was the worst

playground accident they'd ever seen.

[GASPS]

And l just dangled there

for two straight nights.

Oh, good Lord.

But back then, in the fourth grade,

l voted for you.

You know why?

Because you were a voice of the people.

But that's when we was kids.

l guess this is the, uh....

The way of the world now.

TlM:

Come on, Cam, we gotta go.

[TlM GROANS]

lt had to be said.

-Pull up your pants, honey.

-Okay.

Here he is, the man of the hour.

lt's been a pleasure running his campaign.

Congressman Cam Brady.

We love you, Cam.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thanks.

So, uh....

So l won. That's great.

Marty Huggins did a crazy thing

on TV today.

He told the truth.

So here l go.

l am a great politician.

[AUDlENCE CHEERS]

[ROSE LAUGHS]

Yeah.

-But l am a horrible congressman.

ALL:
No.

CAM:

Now, hold on, hear me out.

l hardly ever vote in Congress,

and l never read the bills.

When l'm in D.C.,

l mostly Facebook old girlfriends...

...play fantasy hockey.

Words with Friends, Scrabble,

Draw Something.

l just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...

...and l was scared to death of losing that.

So l took a bunch of money

from the Motch brothers...

...and convinced myself that selling

the 14th district to China was a good idea.

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