Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #9

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l just started here. l'm an intern.

But l'm a poli sci major in college.

Okay, well, guess what, Jason.

You're running my campaign.

JASON:
Are you serious?

-Congratulations to Jason, everyone.

-Nice round of applause.

-l got so many good ideas.

Did you know that our government,

we actually give tax breaks to companies...

...that outsource jobs to other countries?

That's awful.

We've already lost 7 million jobs

since NAFTA, right?

You get the f*** out of here.

You get the f*** out of here.

l don't wanna hear that bullshit.

Hey, what did you major in in college?

-You!

-Uh, sports marketing.

Okay. You're running my campaign.

Take this down to the TV station.

Go. Right now. Tell them to run it.

Let's go, people.

Let's win this thing for America. Right?

lt's the first combination political commercial

and sex tape...

...and it's got over 65 million hits

on YouTube.

Cam Brady was supposed to be

on my show tonight...

...but he's had to cancel again.

He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.

He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot

at the very least, wouldn't you say?

-Uh, a slight bump, actually.

-What?

MARTY:

And there's Muffins and Poundcake...

...in a parking lot of an airport Denny's...

...thirsty, alone and tired.

And then l find a wife who's forced me

to wear the horns of a cuckold.

Look, Marty, l definitely did wrong.

But do you know this is the first time

you've actually talked to me in weeks?

The entire country is talking

about what you did.

l know.

Tim says l gotta kick you out...

...or else l'll look weak

and l'll lose the election.

When did Tim Wattley

become part of this family?

Why don't you make up

your own mind, Marty?

l think you should leave, Mitzi.

At least until the election's over.

And then what?

You'll be the old Marty again?

-And what if you win?

-Well--

-Marty, you should've never entered this race.

-Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you.

-Tim told me to say that.

-Gross.

Goodbye, Marty.

We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops.

CAM:

Okay, so here's the deal.

lf l bag a buck,

we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.

So, what l did is

l bought a dead seven-point buck, l froze it...

...and l put it out by the lake in the woods.

lt's probably defrosted by about now.

So get the photographers ready when l yell.

That's an awesome plan, congressman.

What's the signal?

Well, you'll hear a gunshot,

and then you'll hear me yell:

"Black Hawk down!"

That makes sense. Hey.

[DERMOT CLEARS THROAT]

Marty Huggins.

l didn't realize you were a sportsman.

Sorry about that thing with your wife.

You know politics.

Ho--! He shot me.

Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

-You saw it. You all saw it.

-Way to go, Marty.

-Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car.

-Yes, sir.

CAM:

lt went right through my femur.

Candidate Huggins shot his opponent,

Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...

...and went up in the polls.

Ted Nugent would be proud.

GLENN:
Bravo, young man.

TRlPP:
Well, well, well.

lf it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.

[TRlPP LAUGHS]

We didn't have any idea

that you had this kind of talent.

Well done.

l'm only saying this because l've had

about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...

...and l'm a little emotional.

Goddamn it, l'm so proud of you. l mean--

[CHUCKLES]

You actually shot a man

and went up in the polls.

That's something we've only dreamed about.

Well, l would've shot somebody a long time

ago if l knew you'd be proud of me, Dad.

-Sit down.

-Okay.

TRlPP:
Well, the good news is

you don't have to worry about the charges.

There was not a single soul

who was willing to testify.

As of right now,

you are 1 2 points over Cam Brady.

-That's right.

MARTY:
Well, l'm just super overwhelmed by it.

lt's been a really good day.

GLENN:
Well, l got some more good news

for you, son.

We have purchased all the rights

and large tracts of land in your district...

...and we will be building three factories

that will generate 8000 jobs...

...and over a billion dollars of revenue

per annum.

Oh, my goodness.

And we immediately sold that real estate

and debt...

...to the People's Republic

for a massive profit.

-l'm sorry, to who?

-Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China.

[SPEAKS lN MANDARlN]

[GLENN AND WADE CHUCKLlNG]

[GLENN SPEAKS lN MANDARlN]

Guess those jobs will be good

for the district.

Actually, American workers

are paid way too much...

...for us to book the profits

we're accustomed to.

We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor.

They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour.

We call the concept "insourcing."

And we want you to start using "insourcing"

in all your campaign speeches.

The word tested through the roof.

lt just kind of seems like you're building

a big sweatshop in Hammond.

You have factories in China.

Why are you gonna bring them here?

GLENN:

lt'll save a fortune in shipping.

lt'll double the already-doubled profits

that we make.

With all due respect, l thought we were

gonna do something nice for the district.

And when you request those EPA waivers

and concessions on minimum wage...

...the whole project will be a go.

Well, Marty?

[SlGHS]

No, l won't do it.

l'm not gonna be known as the congressman

who sold out his district to the Chinese.

What are you doing?

You're f***ing up, baby bro.

Goddamn it, son! Will you do as l say?

Look, l'm not the type of guy

that talks back to his father.

But l imagine that guy, and l imagine that guy

would say something like this:

You were never there for me.

This town was always there for me.

And by the way,

l know when you were married to Mama...

...you were having an affair with that woman

that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

What you're doing is wrong. lt's dead wrong.

[SlGHS]

[DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG]

Jiggle it.

-Jiggle a little.

-Jiggle a little.

MARTY:

l did. l mean....

TRlPP:
Jig-- You pull-- Lift it up and jiggle it.

RAYMOND:
Lift it up.

-Shake and push.

-Now push.

-No, at the same time. You gotta--

-Jiggle, shake and push.

TRlPP:
Yeah.

MARTY:
There it is.

Nope. Now l got it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TRlPP SlGHS]

Do we kill him?

GLENN:

No, no, no.

What we're looking for is a new,

fresh voice...

...that'll wake up the people

and harness their frustrations.

A savior, if you will.

And it turns out

he's been right in front of us all along.

l'm not gonna cry.

-l'm not gonna cry.

-Rinse.

Jesus, Wattley.

What the hell are you doing in here?

Motch brothers sent me.

l'm here to make you not suck.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]:

lntroducing the new and improved Cam Brady.

Bring him down.

[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S

"TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG]

CAM:

How you doing, North Carolina?

The new Cam Brady is here today

to stop the talking and start the walking.

The funny thing is, there's still

a lot people out there that say no.

Marty Huggins says no.

[AUDlENCE BOOlNG]

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