Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #8

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-Hello, Piers.

-Oh.

[CAM CHUCKLES]

-Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen?

-l'm doing an interview.

-She's here in the house.

-Yes.

She's-- Come on up here.

Mrs. Brady, you've gone through

this election process four times now.

-How has this race been different for you?

-Oh, it's just been terrible.

For one, Cam has just completely

let his body go.

lt's just a whole mess of fat

and weirdly placed hair.

It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham

in a barber shop.

-Okay, that-- That's ridiculous.

-Oh, come on. Come on.

Do you think Cam is emotionally stable enough

to be in office?

-l'm trying.

-Oh, God, no.

-You can read all about it in my new book.

-Aw, what?

l've sold the movie rights.

We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me.

MlTCH:
No.

-No.

Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto,

who you may remember...

-...from Homicide: Life on the Streets.

CAM:
Okay, that's uncalled for.

MlTCH:
Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun.

-This is over. Damn. You had your fun.

You happy, New York? You had your fun.

Shut it down.

Why would you do this?

You just killed the campaign.

You're five points down. You can't win this.

l told you, l don't truck with losers.

Plus, l got offered a lobbying job in D.C.

for Motch brothers.

-The Motch brothers?

-Yup.

You know what they're trying to do.

Get you to leave me.

ROSE:
You got your baton, baby?

JESSlCA:
Yeah.

Come on, baby, we're a team.

You're my rock.

[THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ"

PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO]

You're dragging me down, baby.

What if my poll numbers go up?

Will you come back?

l hate to do this to you, buddy,

but we got bigger problems.

l think you need to see this.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: Congressman

Cam Brady claims to be a family man.

What a nice day we've had.

-Cam Jr.?

-Mm-hm.

-The batting cages, the water park.

MlTCH:
Must be a hidden-camera situation.

MARTY:
You were doing cannonballs.

You were good at those.

CAM JR.:
Yeah.

-Seeing any girls yet?

-What is he doing?

CAM JR.:
Sort of.

Must be tough having your dad

not be around that much, you know?

What is he talking about?

l'm around too much.

I could be your dad.

-You can call me "Dad."

-No.

MARTY:
Go ahead, try.

-No, don't do it.

-No, l'm your daddy.

MARTY:
Go ahead.

-Dad.

-Oh, sh*t.

MARTY:

There you go. That wasn't bad.

I'm Marty Huggins,

and l regretfully approve this message.

Love you, Cam Jr.

NARRATOR:
Marty Huggins,

the father Cam Brady will never be.

MlTCH:
Just take it easy. All right?

Just take a deep breath.

Now, we ought to think about

how we gonna get back, okay?

But we can't let emotion

cloud our judgment, okay?

We gotta think logically here.

Now, what do you wanna do?

l'm gonna f*** his wife.

Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no.

l'm gonna f*** his wife,

and l'm gonna go put it on television.

No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.

First part, maybe,

but the second part, definitely not.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

You get my son to call you "Daddy,"

l f*** your wife.

-That's the deal?

-That is the deal.

What are you pointing at?

-Got a book of bad ideas?

-l got a book of good ideas. That's the first one.

Get my son to call you "Daddy"...

...turn the page, it says, "F*** your wife."

Okay, let's talk about this.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG ON TV]

Welcome back, everybody,

to The Price ls Right.

George Gray, who's next, please?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Coming.

Congressman Brady.

Marty's down at the tourism office, so....

l really like your hair.

lt's very Katie Couric.

Thank you.

May l come in and use your phone?

[PLAYlNG MELLOW JAZZ MUSlC]

Cal Tjader. Best known

for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze.

Yet sadly, was not recognized

for a Grammy for over 40 years.

l find it tragic when someone isn't recognized

for perfection.

That's very interesting.

Tell me something about you.

Oh, uh, well, l love owls.

l collect them, you know.

Not real ones, of course.

But l got some porcelain

or maybe china ones.

[DOGS PANTlNG AND GROWLlNG]

There's some pretty grumpy ones too

that kind of have those big eyebrows, like--

Oh, God,

l know exactly what you're talking about.

-l'm gonna let these little fellas out.

-Oh.

Come on, little buddies. Come on.

Get out, you little f***ers.

They are tiny little munchkin butts,

aren't they?

They're Marty's dogs.

They don't listen to me.

Well, l don't understand that,

because l find you fascinating.

Oh, thank you.

Mitzi, l'm gonna cut to the chase.

l've had feelings for you.

-Are we doing what l think we're doing?

-l don't know.

l tell you right now, my heart is beating

like a phone book in a dryer...

...and l'm so afraid

of what's about to happen.

What's about to happen?

This.

Ooh.

-Ooh!

-Oh.

l want you to put my head in the freezer

while you do me from behind.

-Hold on, hold on. lsn't the freezer too high?

-l'll get a stool!

CAM:

Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: The following commercial

is rated TV-MA for mature audiences.

CAM [ON TV]:
Marty Huggins can't even

take care of his own wife, so l did.

MlTZl [ON TV]:
Whoo!

CAM:
That night, Marty's wife voted.

-Multiple times.

MlTZl:
Good work. Attaboy. Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

CAM:
Getting juicy in here.

MlTZl:
Whoo!

CAM:

Come on, this isn't a game.

l'm Cam Brady,

and l seductively approve this message.

-Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP.

-Cam, you can't do that.

-Why? Because it wasn't your idea?

-No. No, because it's porn.

-l didn't sign up for this.

-Oh, really?

What did you sign up for, Mitch?

The Big Fat P*ssy Who's Too Afraid

to Do What lt Takes to Win Club?

You gotta calm down.

You're going crazy on me.

-l'm crazy because l refuse to lose?

-l think so.

Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!

My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one!

l will do anything it takes to win.

-Hey, hey.

-Even if it means lying!

-Or physically hurting someone!

MlTCH:
Easy, easy, easy. Put that down.

Or branding myself with a coat hanger

in the shape of a V for "victory."

l get it. Okay, l'm sorry, everybody.

Even if it means listening to Metallica

in a sauna...

He's a little stressed out.

...while l do push-ups

with a naked Shana on my back.

MlTCH:
Come on, man.

-ls that crazy?

-l think so.

-Do l seem crazy?

-Or are you the crazy one?

-You gotta stop it.

[SHOUTlNG GlBBERlSH]

Okay, sit down.

Sit the f*** down right now. Okay.

Breathe. Just breathe, okay?

Now, what is going on with you?

This is getting out of hand.

Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.

-l did get a little crazy there.

-Yes, you did.

But l gotta tell you,

this is what it's gonna take to win.

Cam, l've been here for eight years with you,

by your side.

And we've done some great things.

But l don't know

what the hell's gotten into you.

What?

And to be honest with you,

l'm pretty goddamn disappointed.

l'm sorry.

Okay, well, get out of here. Go.

-Anyone can do your job.

-Hey.

Anyone.

-You. What's your name?

-Uh, Jason, sir.

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