Powerful Out Women: On the Campaign Trail Page #7

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-No, l see you.

OFFlCER:
Get out of the vehicle.

-Hey, here's the good news. l came back.

Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey.

-He f***ing set me up, Mitch.

MlTCH:
l know it.

l mean, l showed one moment of weakness,

and then he struck like a cobra.

MlTCH:
Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing?

-You were charged with drunk driving.

ls it true you blew a 1 .4?

Let's also remember

that a responsible number of drinks...

...makes your body looser in car accidents.

-You actually suffer less injuries.

-Are you advocating drinking and driving?

Thank you for your help.

You guys do real good work. God bless you.

[GROANS]

-Goodness gracious.

CAM:
Oh, God.

-l swear to God, l wanna run these people over.

MlTCH:
l don't blame you.

[BEEPlNG]

[ALARM BLARlNG]

CAM:

Damn it. l am still way too drunk.

CAM:
We need to double up

our fundraising efforts.

-lf there's money out there, we get it.

-Right. That's what we're gonna do.

Did you hear about this corporation

that came in...

...and bought 50 foreclosed homes

in this district? What are you doing?

All right. Anyway,

they also bought off a few closed-up factories.

-You know anything about that?

-No, l've been trying to win an election.

Hey, guys, l heard what happened.

Listen, l wanna tell you,

we had nothing to do with that DUl.

We don't run a negative campaign.

Need a ride?

[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]

-Come on. We're not gonna fall for that.

-Come on.

-Jump in.

-Why would you offer us a ride?

l'm trying to make it up to you.

l'm not who you think l am.

-Get in the car and l'll give you a ride.

-Are you sure?

l swear. l swear on my mother's grave.

Okay? lsn't that enough? Come on.

-We're gonna fit in that tiny little thing?

CAM:
Are you gonna make us pay for the gas?

You know what? My treat.

-Okay.

-All right.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

-This is very nice.

-Wonderful.

The man's not gonna swear

on his mother's grave and then drive off--

[HORN HONKS]

TlM:

My mother's still alive!

-What did he say?

-He said, "My mother is still alive."

-Oh, that's how you beat that.

-Yeah.

That's exactly how you beat it.

l'm an American.

[AUDlENCE CHEERS]

And l believe in American ingenuity

and hard work.

Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady...

...who believes that everyone should live

in Rainbow Land.

[AUDlENCE BOOS]

Douglas, l'd like to say one thing.

l'm an American too.

And l have no idea what he's referring to

as Rainbow Land, okay?

l'm referring to a 1 3-page doctrine...

...written by Camden Brady...

...called Rainbow Land.

That's something l wrote

in the second grade.

l think anybody that writes

about the redistribution of wealth...

...sounds like a communist to me.

-Am l right?

-Hold on.

lt is the simple story of a teddy bear

giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?

-That's right.

-May l read from Page 7?

WOMAN 1 :

Don't listen to him, Cam.

"Please come with me to Rainbow Land...

...where unicorns are made of fudge

and cotton candy...

...and everything is free."

lt's a fictitious place.

Rainbow Land, it's fiction.

l guess we're all idiots

according to Cam Brady.

-l didn't say that. l did not say that.

MAN 1 :
Hey! Hey!

l do not want to live in Rainbow Land...

...and you can't make me live

in Rainbow Land.

MAN 2:
Yeah.

-This is America.

You do not have to live in Rainbow Land.

-You can go to Rainbow Land.

-lt does not exist.

lt's a fictitious place. l was 8.

lt's from a child's imagination.

-lt's right here in his communist manifesto.

WOMAN 2:
Oh, come on.

-l won't go to Rainbow Land.

MAN 3:
Sit down.

l said, sit the f*** down. lt doesn't exist.

Go back to where you're from, dick.

lt's not a real place!

How many times do l gotta say it?

lt's not real!

-What is he pointing at?

-Don't worry.

-ls he pointing at me?

-He sure the f*** is.

MARTY:
Cam, you're a communist.

-He's talking sh*t about me again?

-You pointing at me?

-What?

-You pointing at me? You talking to me?

-Huh?

-F***ing d*ckhead!

-What are you doing? Cam, no.

CAM:
What did you--?

MlTCH:
No. No!

No, no, no!

Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits.

l'm gonna see if it's true.

Don't you sh*t your pants, Marty.

-Don't! Ha, ha!

TlM:
Go for his hair.

-You do not touch the hair.

-Don't you touch my hair.

-lt's a $900 haircut.

MlTCH:
Don't talk about that, Cam.

l'm gonna kill you.

Remember the politician that punched a baby?

Well, he's at it again.

He punched Uggie, the dog from

the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.

Marty Huggins is solidly ahead.

Rainbow Land is now number six

on Amazon.com.

CAM:

Can't believe you landed a national interview.

MlTCH:
Mm-hm.

-This could really swing the campaign.

Yeah, that's the idea.

Let's get this bad boy. Let's wrap it up.

-How's the hair?

-Strong.

CAM:
Yeah.

-So f***ing strong.

My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.

-Absolutely.

-lt'd do it on its way to church.

-Okay. Ready to do it? Let's do it.

-Ready. Let's go.

Good evening.

Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight.

We start tonight from North Carolina...

...with one of the nation's ugliest

and most polarizing campaigns ever.

-Our guest is Congressman Cam Brady.

-Thank you, Piers.

lt is an honor to be on your show.

My wife, Rose, and l watch you every night.

MORGAN [ON TV]:

That's very kind of you, congressman.

lt's well known the Motch brothers

are backing Marty Huggins...

...your opponent, with millions of dollars.

ls this election being bought

by the highest bidder?

Piers, this election is about

the freedom of choice, simple as that.

Americans standing up for their freedom

and their right to choose...

...whether it be in the great outdoors

or with four black friends at a jazz club.

Congressman, are you taking money

to promote Menthol 1 00s or not?

-Uh, come again? Did you say Menthol 1 00s?

-l'm not saying the brand of cigarettes again.

Are you taking money

from big tobacco companies?

No, no, no, l'm not.

l just honestly enjoy their cool, fresh taste.

And the freshness that Menthol 1 00s--

-Easy.

MlTCH:
Hey, come on.

-Congressman, let's get back on topic, please.

-l'd love to.

And what was that topic

we were talking about?

Did it happen to be Coke Zero?

No, it was not Coke Zero.

Look, l'd like to say one thing:

Marty Huggins for Congress in '012.

lt's a mess.

You're taking money

from Marty Huggins' campaign?

-To do a plug on my show?

-Yes. l did take money from Marty Huggins.

But you can rest assured that every dime...

...every single dime,

will be used to defeat Marty Huggins.

lt's a mess.

Let's change topics.

Let's get to the toll this race has had

on your marriage.

Oh, there's been no toll.

l don't know why you would bring that up.

l find that laughable. Ha, ha.

No, our campaign

is just so steady right now.

We are really hitting our stride,

and my lovely wife is a rock.

Really? Well, as a special guest

from an undisclosed location...

...let's introduce you to your wife.

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