Prank Page #3

So you have something

for me, sweetie?

Oh, uh, yeah,

I almost forgot.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God,

you shouldn't have...

I'm sorry it's late.

What is it

a gift card?

Oh.

You like it?

Oh, it's not a gift card.

Well, put it on.

No, I'm cool.

Here,

it's an antique.

It's been in the family for

three generations, I think.

It's even got

diamonds on it.

Real diamonds?

I love it, thank you.

Oh, my God,

what the hell?

It's just Connor.

What do you want?

Okay.

Um, I'll be right back.

Hold your horses.

This is why

you've been dodging me?

What does she know?

What'd you tell her?

What'd he tell you?

Happy birthday?

I should get to work.

Stop acting innocent,

you conniving b*tch!

Oh, my God,

what's wrong with him?

Don't you dare judge me, c*nt. Jordan.

Take that back.

You take that back.

Take what back?

I swear on the honor

of the Klingon code,

if you tell Dax our plan... Stay away!

Ow, you b*tch!

Are you okay?

No!

I swear, I've never

struck a girl before,

let alone

a fairytale character,

but if my nose

is broken again...

Tell him, Jordan.

Tell me what?

Well.

Stay away, Connor.

From both of us.

You're that dense?

She's cavorting with Dax,

we saw him at the

electronic store holding hands.

We're friends, a**hole.

Like that's any of your

business anyways,

you nosy prick.

We would have

told you before, we just

didn't think

you'd handle it.

Well?

Well, I can't kick him out

right now.

What if his nose

is broken again?

Enjoy your kiss

and make up, then.

Eve, wait.

What a fool.

Jordan:
Eve!

Connor?

Jordan?

I'm apologizing

straight to camera.

You watching?

I'm only doing

this for you.

Eve, I overreacted.

I shouldn't have

called you a c*nt.

You're not.

You're just using my friend

here for his money.

So for my poor

choice of words, I apologize.

What I should have

called you is a whore.

There, done. Copacetic?

You remember Barnes?

That obese kid in second grade

used to squat over your face

and fart until you surrendered

your lunch money?

That happened what?

Three months straight?

Until someone came over

and screamed "rape, rape, rape!"

So loud and so often

that they transferred him out.

You remember that?

I know you do.

That's how we became friends.

Look, I don't attest

to being perfect.

You perfectly

f***ed up my life.

But I'm trying my best.

I understand you've

had a crush on Eve

since the 5th grade

and but to be honest,

for you the female species

has been quite elusive.

Okay, stop, stop,

f***ing stop.

Stop acting like

you f***ing care.

All right?

That Connor,

my friend, he's...

he's dead because

you're not him.

You've changed.

You only care about

one thing now.

You.

You're completely blinded.

Am I?

I mean, how much are you

gonna blindly sacrifice

for this bullshit

revenge you want?

Your friends, your future,

your sanity?

I'm waiting for the strings,

but yes, if I must, I will.

I didn't initiate this.

Yeah,

but you'll continue it.

Over and over

and over again.

It'll never stop,

you'll never beat Dax Gaiman

because you're no better

than him and you know it.

Done?

Yeah, I'm done.

And so is our friendship.

No, no, no, no, Jordan,

you owe me for the many years,

months, and days

that I stood by your side.

It's the least you can do.

There's a difference between

revenge and justice, you know.

Since this is your plan

we're adopting now,

wouldn't it make more sense

for you to do the prologue?

But you're such a natural.

Touch.

Second lesson in the school

of hard knocks, Dax, theatrics.

For instance, Jordan and I

in keeping with the adage

"the show must go on,"

we've set aside past differences

to concentrate on the future.

The future? Your demise.

The plan?

Not exactly ingenious...

But it'll do.

So, Dax, be afraid.

Be very afraid.

When are we picking up Chunk?

She'll need to be briefed

on this ingenious plan as well.

No, no, Chunk.

No more screw-ups.

She made one mistake once.

Does everybody need to be

as perfect as Eve now?

I'm volunteering here,

remember that.

Your apathy for me is

duly been noted. Pray tell,

what has Chunk done to deserve

this kind of treatment?

She's dumb,

she's poor, she's uncool.

She is the same exact person

you introduced to me

5 years ago when you said,

"Can Chunk

join us for lunch please?"

She's not my f***ing friend

anymore, all right?

Period.

It sounds to me

like I'm not the only one

undergoing metamorphosis.

No f***ing friend would...

Continue.

Chunk? You?

Fascinating.

You know, I thought

she only lusted after women.

I guess the only thing I could

say is tongue or no tongue?

Yeah, yeah,

laugh it up.

At least I don't

go around telling people

how f***ing cool

Star Trek is in public.

You used to, Jordan,

and don't act like you didn't.

And you used to know

what a joke was too.

Perseverance, means

finish what you start.

And this is not humorous!

Jordan!

Assuming you're appeasing

your fetish of bouncing large

orange balls right now,

we decided to bring

our last lesson,

straight to your living room.

That lesson, Dax,

mayhem.

Are you done

with the bullshit?

If you're referring

to your attitude,

yes, I most certainly am.

Well?

Well, you officially

belong on the short bus,

what can I say?

This isn't a specular sport.

Make yourself useful.

This is so f***ing stupid.

I said mayhem,

not decorative arts.

Here.

Can't we discuss this?

What's there to discuss?

They're eggs.

Throw them.

At the house.

I know.

My apologies for assuming

your complete idiocy.

F*** you.

F*** you, Chunk.

F*** you, Dax.

F*** you all.

Mayhem.

Someone's inside.

Who?

I see...

Who?

Paranoia,

there's nobody there.

I'm done.

No, we're not even

halfway done yet.

Is anybody out there?

Oh, wait,

somebody was

enjoying themselves.

Profusely.

Oh, crap.

What?

Is anybody

in Dax's family black?

Might explain

his wiggerness.

Come on, let's go.

Wait, let me raise the game.

Oh, crap.

Sh*t.

Oh, my god.

F***ing abandon ship.

Oh, my God.

Retreat! Run away!

Connor, come on! We got it. We got it.

Connor,

what are you doing?

Turn the camera off. It's

the biggest day of my life.

Connor! I think I might

ejaculate in my pants right now.

Dax, we now possess

the very thing

that will bring you

to your knees.

So to speak.

That'll make everyone

see you for who you are,

not all American jockey boy.

No, a flaming fraud.

And there's only

one small man

that stands between us

and justice

or should I say

one giant idiot.

Hand over the cable, Jordan.

"Distrust all in whom

the impulse

to punish is powerful

and if your friend

does evil to you,

say to him, 'I forgive you

for what you did to me

but how can I forgive you

for what you did to yourself?"

Where is it, Jordan?

"Battle not with monsters,

lest you become one. "

It's your book.

Ow! God.

Next time you get your face

shoved into a bowl of excrement,

I'll let you lecture me

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