Puerto Ricans in Paris Page #5

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You let us handle this.

We're New York's Finest,

after all.

And we're good cops too.

In the meantime, we're gonna

investigate the other suspects.

Okay.

Yo, my man. Do you, like, accept

trade-ins, and stuff like that?

Any sign of Jerome, bro?

If I saw something, don't you

think I'd say something?

You ain't gonna see sh*t because he ain't

got the bag. Francesca got the bag.

If you wanna go to the hotel and do

whatever you've been doing, be my guest.

You would like that,

wouldn't you?

That way you could be Colette's

little hero all by yourself.

- Why is it hard to understand Colette and I are just friends?

- Just friends.

Just like me and Pepe.

-You really think I'd cheat on Gloria?

-I'll pretend I'm not here.

You know?

I don't know what to think.

- All I know is that you spend a lot of time talking with her.

- Yeah, Luis. Talking.

Ever cross your mind I like talking

to her 'cause I can relate?

Unlike your childish ass.

Like you and some blonde chick

have so much in common.

Why do you not see that? -Are

you upset she didn't want you?

You think I wanna hit on that?

That's your girl, bro.

After all these years,

I thought you was loyal.

You better watch what you say.

-Or what?

-I'm-a k...

Guys? Jerome's home.

You know what?

Sit your ass. I'm going alone.

Yeah, like hell you are.

Well, sounds like you guys don't

really need me to translate, so...

Get your ass up,

French Fry. Let's go!

NYPD! Hands up!

Where's the bag?

The Colette bag. Where is it?

-He doesn't speak English.

-Don't make me ask you again!

Boy, here we go.

Ask this motherf***er where

he's hiding the bag!

He doesn't know what bag

and wants to know who you are.

The guy who's gonna rip him

a new a**hole.

Five seconds before I snap

your arm off.

- One!

- Un...

- Two!

- deux...

-Three!

-trois.

- You don't need to translate the numbers!

- Yeah, hello?

Yeah, hi, Francesca.

Tomorrow afternoon? Caf Julien?

Okay. Thank you, Francesca.

Eddie, that was Francesca.

She has the bag.

Look, tell him I'm sorry about

the misunderstanding, man.

He says, "Go f***"...

That I understood.

F***in' good apple, man.

Thank you.

So glad you made

the right choice.

Okay, let's do this fast.

- Got the money?

- Got the bag?

-I got the bag.

-Let me see the bag.

-Let me see the money.

-Let me see the bag!

Okay. Here the bag.

Let me see.

That's the bag.

That's the bag.

That's the money.

It's all the money in there?

Counted it myself.

Sorry, mami. You should

never trust a drug dealer.

Police!

Sh*t!

Sh*t, Eddie, way to go!

That was good!

Okay. Okay.

Stand down, amigos. She's ours.

Since when you carry guns? I

thought this was like Canada sh*t.

What the hell's going on?

I guess they've been tracking

the same suspects as you.

Tell the French boy band we got

this handled. We're good.

All we need

is an official confession.

Confession? What confession?

I got the bag.

-She gave me the bag!

-I'm sure it will be easy.

Do you speak English?

No.

Don't f*** this up!

I want my money,

I wanna go home to America.

Okay.

She's confessed

to stealing the bag.

You hear that,

Father Joe?

She confessed.

Do you mind if I

have a word with her?

This is hot, Eddie.

I finally get why you like her.

Last night? The bag

was stolen a week ago.

I knew she wasn't the thief.

Maybe she mixed up

last night with last week.

She's not our thief.

So, if it's not Francesca...

Okay, look. I don't wanna give these

knuckleheads any more leads, okay?

Kate, that b*tch!

She said it. She said it.

The deadline is in 12 hour.

The board doesn't want to pay.

We don't want to be embarrassed by

bootlegger either. We need proof.

And process of elimination

isn't proof.

Understood.

We're on it.

Okay.

Get her drunk. She has

a big mouth when she drinks.

Especially gin.

Last time we went out

for martinis

she told me she gave Nicolas

Sarkozy a hand job at Cannes.

I have no clue what she said,

but I got the hand job part.

She also likes hash!

And beers!

And coke! She's a model!

What are you doing?

Moisturizing.

You do that sh*t at home?

No, but I'm open to new experiences,

unlike your stubborn ass.

I already tried the bidet.

That was enough.

That's your kid's

Christmas present.

Use it sparingly, okay?

How you ladies doin'?

How are ya?

Just got here from New York.

Our first time in Paris.-

I'm super happy for you.

But we're having

a private conversation here.

That's so sad because I see you

two sitting all alone here,

and I just have one simple

question to ask you

that could change

your life forever.

Really?

Well, then, go ahead.

Have you ever been

with a Puerto Rican?

Been with two, actually.

Cousins.

Yeah. Julio and Javier.

Lovely guys.

But very possessive.

One had a horrible BO.

But thank you for the idea.

But were Julio and Javito

packing any of this?

You got hash?

Hash?

Honey, Sour Diesel

from the Lower East Side.

You think Paris

is ready for this?

You are funny.

I like you.

You treat me with a little

hospitality, maybe I share.

Garon.

Let me have a,

dry gin martini

with a twist of lemon?

Trois!

Wait, wait, wait.

Is John Leguizamo Puerto Rican?

Half. -Well, then I've been with

two and a half Puerto Ricans.

Honey, you should try this half.

Very nice. Very nice.

Wait, wait.

Let's go to Silencio.

Everybody's there.

- Okay.

- Yeah?

I'm going to

the ladies room first.

Nobody steal my drink.

Okay.

Think she's gonna make it?

This place sucks.

Let's go to Le Floor.

I hate it here. Everybody's at Les Deux.

Let's go.

This place is depressing.

Everybody's at Andrea's birthday.

I don't know, Kate. Look...

I'll never f*** you.

Vmonos.

Bro.

Kate is lookin' slammin' hot.

Yeah.

We are close. Do not f*** it up over

some girl you have no shot with.

Bro, he only thing that'll f*** this sh*t up

is you not being able to control your girl.

How many times I gotta tell you,

she's not my girl.

- Hey, boys.

- Hey.

Meet Andrea,

the birthday girl.

Hey.

Pleasure.

Luis.

My grandpa does that too.

I love your head.

May I?

Only 'cause it's your birthday.

There is a thief

on the loose at this party!

A real back-stabbing b*tch...

Wha...

Watch your bags, ladies!

She could never hold her liquor.

What the hell?

I'm trying to help.

Who cares?

My husband cheated on me.

My best friend stole from me.

Vincent and the suits are worried my bags

won't hit international sales quotas.

I should just jump in

the Seine.

I'm not jumping in after you.

Let's get you home.

No.

Why are there never any cabs?

I don't wanna go home!

I wanna drink more!

- Everything's closed.

- I know a place.

It's 3:
00 AM, Colette.

Okay, just one drink.

One drink and then go home.

Okay, maybe two, okay?

One!

Could you please

stop running now?

Wah! Uno, dos, tres!

Go, Luis! Go, Luis! Go, Luis!

F***, I want a rematch.

I want that rematch!

Let's get some air, please.

I don't need air.

But if you need air, yeah,

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