Putney Swope Page #4

- Why?

Did I ask you why when you said you

wanted to do something more creative?

Nope.

I feel like an Oreo cookie.

You like a pile of sh*t.

Are you putting me on?

- Where you been, Put?

- Mecca.

The man says he's the President

of the United States.

Yeah?

Putney Swope?

Yeah.

What do you mean, "yeah" ?

Be congenial.

I want to extend to you

my deepest congratulation.

It's very, very important

to have a boy like you...

in such a prominent position.

It's good for me.

It's good for you.

And it might keep the summers cool.

I like your style, Swope.

So I'm gonna throw some business

your way.

I never chase foul balls.

You are lot of laughs.

Next time I'm up in Big Town...

we'll get together

and shoot up or something.

What you want, man?

Mr. Six, the man who owns the Borman Six

is a friend of mine.

Take care of him. Quick.

Looks good. He'll come around.

Thank you. Excellent, Mimeo.

I like the way

you handle yourself on the telephone.

You're nobody's fool.

Except, perhaps, mine.

But I'm glad I chose you for this job.

You've justified my faith in you.

However, Mimeo,

there is one question.

This business about

shooting up in the Big Town.

After all,

a man in your position...

which is a rather

strange position...

you have justified my confidence

in having chosen...

such a big man for this assignment.

There are, however, one or two

points I would like to bring up.

After all, I'm sure Barnum and Bailey

wouldn't mind having you back.

So, please,

I suggest you be a little more careful.

Mrs. Mimeo, you play divinely.

Perhaps you would like to play

for me sometime.

Nice wife you have there, Mimeo.

It would be most unfortunate, would it

not, if anything should happen to her?

Don't worry, Mr. Six,

the Borman Six gonna be okay.

I hope you're right,

Mimeo, for your sake.

But now,

we have a moment of joviality.

We relax, you, Ruthie and l, we sit

down, we partake of a bit of grass...

I've got some good sh*t.

Tell me something, Mimeo, do you have

the new Maximilian Schell album?

I love rock 'n ' roll.

Perhaps The Electric Pygmy.

Ruthie, you're looking lovely as ever,

my dear.

From now on, if outsiders wanna talk

to me, they're gonna talk in my face.

No more telephones.

Too much communication.

If you take out the phones,

how are we going to conduct business?

- With your head and your soul.

- That's right.

That's unrealistic.

If you want reality,

I'm gonna put you back on the streets.

The dude's right.

We don't need phones.

I can get a message to California

quicker than you can make a phone call.

- How?

- The drum.

- Say what?

- The drum.

- What's that?

- Vibrations.

Out, O'Dinga. You're finished.

I heard you fired Mr. O'Dinga.

- How did you find out?

- The drum.

Hey, Lopez says

this place is crazy.

Who's Lopez?

- He's in my head.

- That's right.

I've been running this tree hut

just like it was run before.

Straight into the ground.

I've made a few innovations,

but not enough.

I have a feeling that there's

a lot of untapped talent around here.

So, beginning right now,

I want each and every one of you...

to conceive, write, produce and execute

your own campaign.

If you don't think you can

come up with something new...

then don't come up with nothing.

And if you don't feel

that you're the creative type...

then pitch in and help somebody else

with what they're doing.

Creative juices are flowing in my vein,

man. You've liberated my muse.

Picture a foxy chick

sitting on a park bench...

the camera zooms

underneath her dress...

and you cut to a train

coming out of a tunnel.

It's a commercial for

the Long lsland Railroad.

- Like, it's surreal man, surreal.

- Are you for surreal?

I don't have any ideas...

but it's good to know

that if I ever do...

I will be able to try them out.

I just came up with three names

for teenage skin creams.

No- Blem, Squeeze No, and Face Off.

- Get rid of him.

- Mr. Swope...

I think we should

do all our commercials in sepia.

And instead of having

coffee breaks...

- we should have watermelon breaks.

- Get rid of him, too.

Hey, here's a poem I wrote

when I was in jail.

"Life is about a relentless journey

to a path of oncoming screeching cars

"with headlights of boredom

and a bumper of social responsibility."

Mr. President, did you hear about

the woman who asked her husband...

to walk out to

the garbage can with her?

"Are you out of your mind?"

replied her husband.

"Not at all," replied the wife.

"I'd like the neighbors to know

we go out together once in a while."

Mr. President, did you hear about

the fellow who was 9'8 "...

and wore a size 22 shoe?

And do you know what he did for

a living? He stamped out forest fires.

Mimeo...

what is that?

The game warden

wanted me to throw it back.

But I put up such a fight

that they mounted it.

Mr. President, this fellow who went down

to Florida to do a demonstration...

- a benefit show--

- This is a real funny man.

- Funny man.

- In a benefit show. And they put up...

a special platform,

with a trap door.

Mimeo, who is this schmuck you have hired,

babbling in your ear, over and over:

"Mr. President, Mr. President" ?

What banality!

Mr. President.

And this fellow's show was so terrible

that when the trap door opened...

- if it wasn't for the fact...

- If you'd like a toke...

...he had a rope around his neck...

- ...he would have broken his legs.

- Come on, it'll put hair on your nose.

And he couldn't kick.

Yeah, he is funny!

Actually, when I think about it,

I knew he was funny.

Mr. President? Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Hey, it's cold in here.

Throw another Jew on the fire!

Mr. President?

Mr. President.

There were three women in Florida--

Mr. President,

there were three women in Florida--

- He's like a stupid baby.

- Describing what once...

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

It started last weekend

At the Yale- Howard game

Girl, I saw your beaver flash

I'll never be the same

Oh, no

You gave me a soul kiss

Boy, it sure was grand

You gave me a dry hump

Behind the hotdog stand

Oh, yeah

I used to have pimples

But I made them disappear

He faced life with Face Off

It made his skin so clear

A pimple is simple

If you treat your pimples right

My man uses Face Off

He's really out of sight

And so are his pimples

I just created a skin

cream called Face Off.

And I just come up with a whole new

concept for the Long lsland Railroad.

- I love you, baby.

- I love you.

- I love you, baby.

- I love you.

- I love you, baby.

- I love you. Did you take your pill?

You'll never know.

Is Mr. Swope in?

Uh-huh.

This is President Mimeo.

- Yeah?

- Putney?

- Yeah.

- Guess who.

- Marcus Garvey.

- Nope.

- Try again.

- President Mimeo.

- How did you guess?

- I used to be an exterminator.

You might be saying,

"I used to have an agency"...

if you don't get moving

on the Borman Six.

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