Raising Helen Page #5

to your seat. Yeah. Go for Teddy.

Does my nose boogie look green?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.

Sort of Prada green.

Not their best collection. Put it back inside.

- Ooh, look, a doggy!

- Yes. Watch the lovely doggy.

Hello, doggy.

- Oh, my...

- Come here, doggy.

Oh!

Are you all right? Model down.

I repeat, we have a model down.

Oh, no. Sarah, what are you doing?

Are you OK?

- What happened?

- Everything's OK.

All set. The limo's downstairs.

- Martina. Welcome to our agency.

- Thanks. I'm so excited.

You can be effusive on the way in the limo.

Go on, off you go.

So we should be to Coney Island

in about an hour.

Excuse me. This is Helen.

- Hi, it's Dan.

- Dan. What's wrong?

Nothing is wrong. We just have

a little situation with Sarah down here.

- I think you should come to the school.

- Come there now?

It's a little difficult to get to school

right now. I'm working. Is she OK?

Helen.

Give me the phone.

Yeah. Hi.

We'll be right there. OK.

- Are you sure?

- No problem. We have plenty of time.

I know how it is. I have a four-year-old.

Then I couldn't find

the burrow for the bunny.

- I hate it when that happens.

- Me too.

- You guys wanna do my makeup?

- Yeah.

- Can I be a princess?

- Yeah. You're pretty.

OK.

Sarah, you don't have to learn

to tie your shoes right now.

When you're ready to tie your shoes,

you will.

That's right. Shoe-tying's tough.

Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?

- See ya.

- Thanks, Pastor Dan.

- Do I look pretty?

- Yeah.

So, you wanna go play?

Everything's gonna be fine.

A little bit of green up here.

Stop!

Are those permanent?

It's OK, it happens to me all the time.

It'll come off in a couple of days.

Sorry, Helen.

It's not working.

I understand.

I'm sorry, Dominique.

Thank you so much for everything.

I'll collect my things.

Hey! Stop that racket.

Are you all right, Aunt Helen?

You've been watching reruns all day.

Reruns are the culture of the unemployed.

Hey, I'll get it. I have no life.

Cable guy.

It's the Exorcist.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Sorry about Martina.

So I brought you comfort food -

Chunky Monkey.

- Would you like to come in?

- Pastor Dan.

Hey, kids.

How did he get past

the visual security system?

- Who cares? Now we can watch MTV.

- Yeah.

It's funny how one moment

I'm living my life

not really in touch with the fact that I'm

sharing this planet with permanent pens,

and the next moment

one such pen has made, shall we say,

an indelible impact on my career.

- Hey, Helen.

- A black mark on my record,

X-ed out my future...

- Helen.

...and, in short, my career is dead.

Like your turtle.

- What?

- Turtle's dead.

Oh, no.

Oh, Irwin, no.

May he rest in peace...

Shut up. You don't understand.

This is Henry's turtle. It's his friend.

He's...

He can't be dead.

Oh, he's dead.

We need to find a body double now.

Here.

What about the empty bowl?

I'll hide it.

Ki... Kids!

We're gonna go get butterscotch

and chocolate syrup for the ice cream.

You stay put and watch television.

And don't come in the kitchen,

I just waxed the floors.

- Irwin's long-lost brother.

- Yeah.

Thanks for doing this. You're my savior.

- I mean...

- I know what you mean.

So, how are things going?

- Fine.

- Hm?

- Fine.

- Just fine?

- Yeah. What do you mean?

- Well, it's just that

I've noticed Audrey

spending too much time with the boys.

You know, that's normal for what she's

going through, to look for that attention,

but some of these kids are not exactly

angels, you know what I mean?

They're 15. It's teenage stuff. It's harmless.

No, it's not really harmless,

cos one of these punks - his name's BZ -

I'm about to kick his butt outta school.

Let's just get upstairs

before Henry finds the bowl.

Yeah, Henry. You said the kid likes

basketball. He never ever picks up a ball.

I know. I've noticed that.

The thing with Sarah and the shoes

the other day, that's not the first time...

Hey, what do you expect, Dan?

They've lost their parents, moved to a new

city, changed schools, changed religions.

Well, let's talk about some things

you could do at home.

You wanna know

what I've been doing at home?

I've been doing the best I can.

Do you have any idea

what this has done to my life?

Hey, Helen, do you have any idea

what it's done to theirs?

Hey, Pastor Dan, Mr Self-righteous,

I'm hanging on by a thread here.

I lost my sister, my social life,

my disposable income,

my ability to fit into a size two

and - this just in - my job.

Pretty much the only two things that

haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits

and the few pounds that have recently

taken up residence on my ass.

So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about

being lectured, in Queens,

about being a lousy legal guardian

to three kids

who maybe shouldn't have been

given to me in the first place.

They weren't given to you, they were

entrusted to you by their mother, who...

Don't you talk about Lindsay.

Don't you dare talk about Lindsay.

You didn't know her.

- Gimme the turtle.

- That was outta line. I'm sorry.

Dan, give me the damn turtle.

Helen...

Helen.

Hey, Helen.

Dominique's is quite an impressive

background. But three children?

They're great kids.

They pretty much take care of themselves.

We love children.

We're thinking about adopting.

But there'd be a lot of traveling involved

and very little notice.

I love traveling.

But would they be long trips?

But I'm not on the mommy track.

We'll be in touch.

Irwin, you're not looking yourself.

OK, Sarah's asleep. Go to bed now

and make sure if she needs anything,

you can get it for her.

- I see no party. There is no party.

- That's right.

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, everyone, this is my aunt Helen.

She don't look like

no aunt I ever had.

What are you...?

What is this? What is this?

I thought you wanted to meet my friends.

This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.

Whassup, Mommy?

Whassup?

You got a phat crib.

- Thank you.

There's my phone ringing in my phat crib.

Hello.

I'm calling to remind you

to come over for Mother's Day.

Jenny, do you think that's still such a good

idea? I mean, I don't know if the kids are...

It'll be fine.

And we're still gonna do the letter thing?

Sure. I'll show you mine,

if you show me yours.

- What's that noise?

- Audrey has company.

On a school night?

You better make them leave.

- What do I say?

- You say, "Go home."

- OK, but what if they ask why?

- You say, "Because I said so."

Hi. Can we turn the music down?

Hey, guys.

Let's turn the music down a little bit.

Please. Thank you.

This "crib" is closing.

And I think it's time for all y'all to go.

Why?

Because I said so.

I'll tell you what,

we'll be gone before you know it.

- Bianca.

- All right.

Jenny, I don't know

if they're quite ready to go home just yet.

Helen, get Nilma, now.

OK. I'm ready.

Helen said wrap it up.

You get out of here, you ugly little...

Bimbo girl.

What do you think this is?

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