Random Tropical Paradise Page #4

Rip off his nuts.

I bet he'd like it.

Try and remember the last place

that you saw your armadillo.

Ooh, I know.

Check your other hand.

I can't tell you how many times I've lost

something and ended up finding it there.

Well, what do you say, a**hole?

You wanna step outta the way

and apologize?

You want me to shove my foot so far

up your ass I can wear you as pants?

Shut up, you stupid.

Did he just call me stupid?

Shut up, you stupid.

Look at you, you so dumb.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna kick this guy's

dick off, right now.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. I smell weed.

Do you have weed?

Oh, that's cool.

Harry.

I'm in sad mode.

Entering anger mode.

Harry.

Dude, I'm so high, too.

Hello.

All right. Come on.

Let's do this.

- Bring the sad one.

That's you.

I know!

Okay.

I didn't get watermelon.

That's the only one I forgot.

This is your boat?

It's awesome.

Okay, first of all,

it's not a boat.

It's a yacht, a**hole.

It's okay, guys.

They're with me.

Shoes off, guys. Let's go.

All right. Whatever.

F***ing rules.

You're terrifying.

- Dude.

- Wow.

This boat is dope.

Mmm, thank you.

Speaking of which,

let's see it.

- What?

- Huh?

Come on. Isn't that what youse

came here for? Whip it out.

Oh.

No, but...

- Uh, it's not why we came here...

- Uh...

but it's very cool of you

to start with this.

- Oh, that's not cool.

- Oh, my god.

No, not your dick. The weed.

Oh, what?

- Yeah, I know.

- God!

I was kidding.

Jesus Christ.

Heard of a joke?

- Gross.

- So, I'm Harry.

I'm Angela.

Nice to meet you.

- This is Beatrice over here.

- Hey.

You can call me Bea.

Everyone does.

I don't force them.

That's Johanna over there.

- Don't look at me.

- Okay.

Hi, I'm Tiffani and, uh...

It's really hot.

Oh. Ah, that's better.

Yeah. It... good call.

It is so hot.

It's... yup.

I'm Colette. Hi.

Hi.

I'm bowie.

That's my weed.

So, you guys probably think

I'm pretty cool.

Do you have Asperger's?

I don't think so.

Unless you're into it.

So, what brings you ladies

to the islands?

The boat does.

My husband.

He's always traveling here and

there for work, you know,

so I said, "you gotta figure out

a way to bring us with you."

What does your husband do?

Oh, little bit of this,

little bit of that, you know.

Buys me yachts to keep me happy.

So I can hang out

with my girls and party.

He sounds cool.

Ooh, this weed

is really relaxing.

Right?

- I love smoking weed.

So relaxing.

Basically take a nap right now.

Might wanna take it easy on that.

You don't wanna get paranoid.

You need to take it easy,

tux-o. Okay?

I'm not paranoid.

You're paranoid.

- Shut up.

- It's okay.

Actually, that ridiculous

marijuana-causing-paranoia thing? That's a myth.

It just lowers your inhibitions,

and then you become a

heightened version of yourself.

So if you're, like, really

happy, you're extra happy.

If you're a crazy psycho weirdo,

you're that.

Lemme guess. Psychiatrist?

Psychoanalyst.

She said anal. That's funny.

Bowie,

why are you here?

Actually,

it's a pretty crazy story.

Yesterday, I'm with Harry...

We're masseuse... Massages?

Massage. Massages.

Masseuses?

You mean massage therapists?

- Yeah. I actually

consider myself

a massage, uh, wizard.

It's magic what I can do

with just these.

It sounds like magic.

Yeah. And we are here for

the annual awards ceremony.

Oh!

The handies.

- Congratulations.

- F***, yeah. Thank you.

That would explain the tuxedos.

No, not really,

but please, go on.

You're nominated for an award.

Well, I'm nominated

for best technique,

and bowie's nominated

for best...

Best oral.

- Sup?

- Gross.

- Ew, that's disgusting. -No, it's

different in the massage community.

It just means good

table-side, uh, banter.

Uh, banter. So good.

Oh, f***! Jesus Christ.

What happened? What is this?

What are you doing?

Oh, my god. Get down.

What the hell was that?

Oh, sh*t. F***.

Who cares?

Oh, my god.

I thought that was my husband.

Who's your husband?

Not someone you want to catch

you with his wife in a hot tub.

Oh, god.

I f***in' ruined the weed.

Sh*t. All of it.

I'm sorry.

Well, you know

what that means, boys.

Just, kinda,

feel each other up, now?

- Okay, buh-bye.

- Byes.

Hey, um...

Sorry.

No, no. It's okay.

This was, uh...

I wanna say fun,

but it was more interesting.

How do I feel like I know you?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I just

have one of those faces.

No. Yours is a face

I definitely wouldn't forget.

Wow.

That was, like, page one of the

douchebag pickup handbook, right there.

I'll take shitty Justin Bieber

lyrics for $1,000, Alex.

- I'll get outta here. You don't have

to see me again. -No, no, no, no.

I really hope

I get to see you again.

I hope you get to see...

I mean...

I think you know what I mean.

Yes.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay, then. It's settled.

- Settled.

Hey, tux-o.

- Let's f***ing go.

- I'm coming.

I'm gonna go. Thank you.

- Coming. I'm high as sh*t, man.

Gotta get food.

Don't embarrass me.

It was nice to meet you,

tux-o.

She called you tux-o.

Massage therapist?

What the f*** was I thinking?

I dunno, but it was genius.

Did you have that one

loaded in the chamber,

or was that just

off the top of your head, man?

- Nope, that was

right out of my ass.

And when did you become

leisure suit Larry?

Oh, I wish I was leisure suit Larry.

That guy's awesome.

"Oh yeah. I'm nominated

for best oral, ha ha!

"Let me finger-bang you

with my wizard hand."

- That's not how I laugh. -That's

exactly how you sound, man.

Either way, I never said "finger-bang

you with my magical wizard hands."

Well, you might as well have.

The sh*t you were saying back

there didn't even make sense.

Harry, look around.

We're in a fast and the

furious movie right now.

Nothing has to make sense.

Dude.

This is the stripper flight.

Okay. What's

a stripper flight?

Stripper flight is this legendary

flight from Tampa to Vegas,

filled with strippers.

Because everyone knows the two meccas for

strip clubs are Tampa and Vegas, right?

Oh. Yeah, I think that was

a question on my Lsats.

So, all the best strippers

work both places.

Tampa, weekdays.

Vegas, weekends.

There's this one flight.

According to legend,

every Thursday night,

the hottest strippers in Tampa

get on the same plane to Vegas.

And Vegas is a 24-hour town, so

they get on that plane ready to go.

You know, time is money.

And you can't just, like,

buy a ticket.

It's not like these flights are

advertised as the stripper flight.

They're totally random

and unpredictable.

Dude, just like strippers.

But every now and then,

the stars align,

and some lucky bastard

gets bumped off his flight,

and finds himself

on the stripper flight.

And if you ever end up

on the stripper flight,

you owe it to yourself

to go balls out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as you can see, the captain has

turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.

You are now free

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