Random Tropical Paradise Page #5

to get your freak on.

Yeah!

Okay.

Not my most profound story...

Yeah, but maybe your longest.

But either way,

look at yesterday.

You were this close

to marrying a woman

who was

time-sharing her vagina,

and look at today.

You already spent the afternoon with a

bunch of banging-hot sorority chicks

in a hot tub.

Okay, d*ckhead.

You're 30 years old.

So are they. They're just

called women, now.

Either way. I bet there's gonna be

a bunch of hot sorority "women"

at this dope house party

I'm about to take you to.

Well, we're in the middle

of nowhere.

We look like a**holes.

And this dope-ass house party is

definitely going to be a meth lab.

I bet the party's this way.

Oh, directly into the jungle?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Nicest meth lab I've seen.

How many meth labs

have you seen?

Three.

This is gonna be

f***ing awesome.

You know, takes a big man

not to say I told you so.

Okay. Let's get it over with.

Get what over with?

- Just say it. -What did you

think I was gonna say?

You're not gonna

trick me into saying it.

- Trick you into saying what do you think?

- You're basically...

Hello.

We're here for the party.

Oh. Thank you.

I hope they're serving food

at this party. I'm starving.

Me too, man.

I'm doing mints right now.

Oh. I haven't brushed my teeth

since yesterday,

so two birds.

Cool. Pre meal, I guess.

- Oh, baby. That sucks.

- Too big, it wouldn't work.

Couldn't smoke it

at the same time.

Guys, you made it.

Like, I'm so glad

you got here, huh?

So glad.

I brought my friend, Harry.

Oh, hi, friend Harry.

Hey. So, you guys live here?

This is our vacation home.

We just...

We just come out here for one or

two months at a time when, uh...

When Monte-Carlo's feeling

a little too chintzy.

Yeah, Monte-Carlo. It's like

the Branson of the riviera.

Yeah. Just gets...

It's too much sometimes.

Lemme show you guys

around our little...

Our little jungle abode.

Have fun, boys.

All right, eh. See ya.

Hey, this place

f***ing rules, dude.

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks.

- Hey, Marcel.

- Hello, monsieur.

How're you doing?

This is my head chef, Marcel.

Dude, you got a head chef?

Marcel, these are my pals,

Harry and bowie.

Pleasure to meet you.

We stole him from one of those real

fancy restaurants over in Europe.

You know, the kind where they

don't let you wear shorts,

and you can't even

bring your own beer.

One of those dumps, you know.

Ugh, yeah.

Cost me a fortune, man.

This guy can make an omelet

you just wanna f***.

Hey, Kenny.

This place is amazing.

I love how nothing matches.

- Thanks, man. Thanks.

- Yeah, it's fun.

- I like it.

- What do you do?

Well, I like to think of myself

as an inventor, you know.

Some of it's

alternative licensing.

Like, have you heard of

the George foreman grill?

- Oh, yeah. You came up with the

George foreman grill? -Dude. No way.

No, no, no. There's a Larry Holmes

hot plate. Look at that guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marcel's a wizard on that thing.

Look, look. Out there.

You see out there?

People under that, uh,

under the blanket,

with all of the sleeves

cut out of it?

- Well, I'll be. No way.

- No, no, no.

That is a squilt.

That is a squilt.

There's a trademark

on the other thing.

Some lawsuits pending.

If it is, uh,

agreeable with monsieur,

- I started serving the hors d'oeuvres.

- Mmm-hmm.

We have a saffron-infused

lobster mini-cake,

- served on a jalapeno

dill crouton bread. -Ooh.

- Mmm. That sounds really good.

- That sounds amazing.

- Mmm-hmm. -I mean,

that's agreeable, yeah.

- Know what else is

agreeable, though? -Hmm?

Bagel bites. Ha ha, yeah, man.

- Bagel bites, monsieur?

- Yeah.

You know. It's the...

It's the...

It's like a little pizza

but it's on a bagel,

and you just... you bite it.

We got some in the freezer,

pop in the microwave.

I tried to make my own.

Inventor.

Uh, mini muffin munchers...

That's what I call 'em, but...

Can't f*** with perfection, man.

They nailed it.

They nailed it.

But those lobster croutons

sound amazing.

You can make the other things,

too, a couple of those.

Bagel bites. Your culinary

wish is my command.

Gracias.

Dude, you speak that language?

No, no. I just don't want him

to feel left out, you know.

It's pretty, though.

Sounds so pretty.

Can I show you what I really do for

a living, though? My true passion.

- You wanna see it?

- Oh, f***, yeah, Kenny.

- You go check it out.

- Okay, come on. Come here.

I can't wait to.

It's gonna be so rad.

Mints.

Hey.

I didn't know

you were gonna be here.

- Hi.

- What're you doing here?

Oh, uh, yeah. I just, uh,

came from a night dive.

If I didn't find these shoes

in the bottom of my bag,

I'd be standing here

in flippers.

You look great.

Aw, thanks. You're so sweet.

You look exactly the same.

- What? No.

No, this is different.

That was my beach tux.

Oh, yeah. It's all right.

Yeah.

This is my cocktail t-shirt.

Obviously.

This... this is my lab, huh.

F***in' Harry was right.

Jesus...

Kenny!

You devil. What is this?

Yeah, I know.

Yeah. We're the premiere

manufacturer and retailer

of alternatively-sized and

uniquely-shaped pleasure products

- in the western hemisphere.

- Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not trying to compete

with Japan. They're on another level.

Yeah, they're the number ones?

Yeah, they do all kinds of stuff with

real dolls and, like, f*** squids.

Anyway, so yeah. Marthy

calls this my f*** factory.

Dude. Uniquely-shaped,

alternatively-sized.

All right. What is this?

What is this?

Oh. Oh, this one here.

Okay, this guy.

This is a top seller.

Now, say you got a gal.

She's in the mood,

but she has, like, a very, um,

shallow, wide vagina.

- Okay.

- It happens.

- Yeah. No, no. I know.

- You know, we're all...

It's the differences that

makes us, uh, a whole thing.

Now, something like this.

Something like this.

Look, this is gonna

brutalize her.

This is gonna... this is gonna

puncture a lung.

You know?

This is like an NBA player

diving into a kiddie pool.

You can't deal with this.

This is gonna hit

all the erogenous zones,

but not go too deep

and, uh, cause discomfort.

That's the little miss muff

right there.

- Feel that, that's just, the consistency's there.

- Dude, they're the same.

- Yeah, yeah. I know. -This

one, what is this one, Kenny?

Okay, oh. This, this one,

this is our sidewinder.

Uh, this is for, like, okay. You're a

guy, you're in the mood all the time.

But you're more of a

boomerang than a bow staff.

- Hmm. -You know what I'm saying?

Rhino.

Rhino... that's you?

Buddy.

So that's gonna go

right on there,

and it's gonna hit

all the spots...

No, I know.

I can visualize it for sure.

Dude, how do you

come up with this sh*t?

This is, f***ing, so smart.

Well, I mean,

I've always been a tinkerer.

You know, they've got

big and tall stores

for clothes, they've got that. But,

uh, it's like the same concept,

but I just applied it

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes