Random Tropical Paradise Page #6

to, uh, your f*** parts.

F***ing genius.

It's why I live in a mansion,

man.

Kenny, is that

your product shot?

Yeah, yeah, that's

Martha's idea, you know,

we gotta get the brand

out there,

she's like, "we gotta put a face

to the name of the company,"

so we're trying to be the Billy Mays

of d*ldos, and everything, you know?

Yeah, but he died, though.

What?

Mmm.

- To random encounters.

So, I have a tiny confession

to make.

- Okay. -I knew I was going

to see you here tonight.

- You did? -That's why I

decided to cut my dive short

and get all dressed up.

How did you know

about the party?

Oh, it's not that big an island.

You ask the right people the right

questions you can find out anything.

What else do I not

know about you?

Oh, I am full of secrets...

- Well, I have a tiny confession

to make as well. -Uh-oh.

Things just got interesting.

Mmm, let me guess.

You're a spy.

Nope.

The real Harry is just some guy

you left in a ditch somewhere?

Wow, that took

a sharp left turn. No.

Is serial killer

always your second go-to?

I don't know why more people don't

ask that right off the bat.

I mean, I think it's a pretty

important thing to know.

- Why, have you killed somebody before?

- Uh-uh, I asked you first.

- Not that I know of.

So, what was your non-serial

killer confession?

Oh...

I'm not really...

I'm not really

a big fan of the ocean.

What? What? How

can you not like the ocean?

That's like saying you don't like music

or are not that big a fan of food.

Let me clarify. I used to

like the ocean,

and then I saw this monster hunters

episode where they go looking

for the giant squid, and then ever since

then, haven't stepped foot in the water.

The Kraken episode,

that is my favorite episode!

- Yes. It is?

- Totally!

Like when they find out

there's thousands of squid

just hanging out a few hundred

feet below the ocean surface?

- The squid superhighway!

- Superhighway!

Scariest f***ing thing

I've ever seen!

Oh, come on, it's not

scary, it's fascinating.

How they all came up to that one

squid, put the camera on him,

and instead of attacking him they

were just curious and looking at him,

it was like, it was so cute.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Teddy bears are cute.

Penguins are cute.

Super-intelligent squid?

Nightmare f***ing material.

Oh, come on.

It doesn't sound amazing?

It's like that ll cool j movie.

No!

I mean, yes on the ll cool j movie,

except that was with sharks.

But no on the giant squid.

They are like

the a**holes of the ocean.

That's why all the deep-sea divers

had to wear those special wet suits

it had so much Chainmail on it,

it was basically bulletproof.

I know! How awesome is that?

Okay, like...

When you see something that is

beautiful and captivating and unknown,

don't you just wanna jump in?

No!

Not at all. In fact, ever

since I saw that episode,

I've been eating more

calamari, 'cause f*** squid.

Well, that's just too bad,

'cause I'm part squid, you know?

- Oh, you are?

- Uh-huh. On my mother's side.

They're from northern Europe.

You don't look squid-ish

at all.

Well, check it out.

It's a Gill.

How'd you do that?

Same way I did this.

This is for my aunt Bernice.

F*** squid!

Harry?

Harry, are you okay?

- What happened? -I don't

know, you just kept saying

"f*** squid" over and over

again, and then you...

Okay, you know what?

This party is lame,

we're leaving. Are you

coming or are you staying?

What the f***

are you looking at?

Are you having a stroke?

Hello?

What the f*** is wrong

with this guy?

Okay, you know what?

We're leaving.

Okay. Are you gonna be okay?

Bye, Harry.

F*** squid.

So this guy, he's like, "hey,

man, that's not a wrench,"

and I was like, "don't worry,

I'm not a mechanic!"

Oh, man, that was... I didn't see

that one coming, man. That's great.

Thanks, Kenny.

Thanks, Martha.

I just want to say thanks

for inviting us over here,

you guys are so cool.

You thought you were going to a

meth lab in the woods, didn't you?

- No, I didn't... -That's what,

that's what he thought.

Okay, for, like, a second!

Just for a second!

You don't know what you're

getting into!

No, man, now see, that's the thing,

like, I know what it looks like,

but we don't judge people here,

that's what's going on here.

I love that.

- Anybody can come, you do

what you wanna do. -Yes.

- You do who you wanna do.

- Yes.

I know it looks like

a lot of derelicts

and ne'er do Wells around here,

shady characters, you know?

But some of these people, some of

these people are Nobel prize winners,

- you know?

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

That guy won a Nobel prize?

Him, oh, no, no.

That's Jerry. Jerry's...

Jerry's got a crack problem.

Here, baby. Have one of these.

Martha, I can't have any more of these, I've

been f***ing eating the sh*t out of them.

- So I'm full. You know.

- You ate a bunch of these?

Yeah, kind of for dinner.

What?

He ate them for dinner.

You wanted to get on our level.

You just did, man.

- With a bullet.

I hope that tux has

a seatbelt, buddy.

- These aren't mints? -No, baby,

these aren't just mints.

We found out these orgies always

turned out a little more fun

if everybody was tripping balls.

So we...

Ooh, speaking of balls.

Did you say orgy?

Here we go. What is it,

8:
30 already?

Um, bowie, guess what type

of oreo I like best.

Can you guess?

Probably a double stuffed,

you're going to say?

How did you...

You heard that joke already.

I love that almost as much as I love getting

banged by two boys at the same time.

All right. Dealer's choice. Lightning

round. Let's go. Who wants what?

Yeah, look,

I gotta coach, so get...

Jesus Christ.

Look at the ass on this one.

Who's your dad, Michelangelo?

It's like two cantaloupes trying

to kiss each other back there.

Look at that. Let them even

move when you did that.

That's good.

That's a strong ass.

Just relax, man. Just relax.

Sweetie, do you want to get f***ed?

Because,

no, no, you're a

guest in our home.

You gotta loosen up.

- You f***ed me, Kenny.

No, I mean somebody might

f*** you, but it wasn't me.

Gotta find Harry.

Gotta find Harry.

Gotta find Harry.

Gotta find Harry.

Gotta find Harry.

Gotta find Harry.

F*** Harry. Let's go bury

ourselves in some man ass.

Who said that?

Down here!

What's up, motherf***er?

No. This is crazy.

This is bad.

Oh, I know. This orgy

started 20 minutes ago,

and I haven't played reverse Jenga with

any of these fine pieces of man meat.

It's a tragedy!

How is that a tragedy? We're not

gay, that sounds crazy to me.

Speak for yourself, breeder.

What do you mean, I bang chicks!

Ugh, don't remind me.

I was there.

Yeah, so how are you gay? I don't

f***ing get what you're saying.

Don't talk so loud.

B*tch, you're not

the boss of me.

You don't know everything

that I do.

Yeah, I thought I did. This is a real

betrayal I didn't see coming at all.

Harry.

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