Random Tropical Paradise Page #7

- Harry.

- Hmm?

Harry, I'm freaking out, man.

Don't be rude.

Say hi to Jessica.

Hello.

How are you doing that

with your eyes?

I don't know.

Ten, 20, 30. Suppose we have ten fingers.

What if we had nine fingers?

Then what would it be?

Nine, eight, 27, 36.

Look at my times tables. I'm a

f***ing times table wizard.

I remember in first grade

I couldn't do my times tables,

I cried so hard, the teacher just passed me

because she didn't want to deal with it.

Dude, my thoughts

are in Spanish right now.

That's f***ed,

'cause I don't know Spanish.

Bowie.

What?

Christine never liked

regular red M&M's.

She thought they were boring.

That's weird.

She'd never eat a red M&M.

Never eat a red M&M.

Red M&M.

Maybe I'm just a regular

red M&M.

You are a regular red M&M.

There's so many other types

of M&M's.

I don't like when the M&M's

take their shells off...

And they pretend like

it's their clothes.

'Cause that's not their clothes.

That's their skin.

Dark chocolate M&M's.

Dark chocolate.

Pretzel M&M's.

- Pretzel.

- Mini M&M's.

Mini.

- Pumpkin spice M&M's!

Harry?

- Uh-huh?

You need to bust out

of your shell.

Oh.

That's a good metaphor

for what we're talking about.

I'm just an M&M!

I'm just an M&M.

I don't wanna be an M&M anymore.

I think my dick's gay, man.

Huh?

Good morning.

What happened?

I don't know.

Wait...

Is this crocodile Dundee ii?

Yeah.

You got up just in time, man,

this is my favorite part.

Oh, yeah.

This is where he switches

clothes with the bad guy

so that the other bad guys shoot

their boss instead of him.

- Yeah.

- It's genius.

So good.

You know what would make

this movie even better?

Danny Trejo?

F***ing right!

- Danny Trejo makes everything better.

- Yeah, he does.

Imagine crocodile Dundee ii

starring Danny Trejo...

Movie would be 10 minutes long.

They would just steal his girlfriend,

and then they'd call him and be like,

"hey, we have your girlfriend,"

and he'd just be like...

And then they would just send

her back with an apology letter

and a box of chocolates.

What about jaws

starring Danny Trejo?

- Okay, is Danny Trejo jaws?

- No.

Danny Trejo swims out into the

middle of the ocean to find jaws,

uppercuts jaws,

sends jaws in orbit,

and then Danny Trejo just stares into

the camera for an hour and a half.

Ooh. Independence day

starring Danny Trejo.

Danny Trejo rides his

motorcycle into space,

straight onto the

alien spaceship

and just looks at them all and goes,

"don't even f***ing think about it."

And then aliens are like,

"sorry," and they leave,

and then Danny Trejo just

goes to will Smith like,

"quit f***ing around

and start rapping."

Castaway starring Danny Trejo.

Where it's just Trejo?

I like a just Trejo film.

Except for the volleyball,

which is also Danny Trejo.

Indiana Trejo, where, the...

That he opens up the ark of the covenant

and then the ark of the covenant melts.

- Mmm.

- 'Cause it saw Danny Trejo.

What if, instead of fight

club, it's Danny Trejo club.

Danny Trejo is...

Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Ooh.

- "Toodeloo.

"I miss my kids."

- What about Sophie's choice

starring Danny Trejo. -Ooh.

So Danny Trejo has to decide

between two other Danny Trejos.

- So that's a triple Trejo.

- Talking about a triple Trejo.

Ooh. The lion king,

after Mufasa held up Simba,

the camera turns around, and it's not

Simba, it's goddamn Danny Trejo.

- Mmm.

- And then Mufasa's like,

"everything the light touches,

"except for the elephant graveyard," and

Danny Trejo's like, "f*** you, dude,"

and he goes straight to the

elephant graveyard, and guess what?

That's his now, too.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

- Got the bags!

- Yes!

Can't wait to get out

of these tuxedos.

Yeah, I've been needing

this guy.

All right.

Yes.

This is your go bag?

Booze and candy?

What would be in your go bag?

I dunno, maybe a toothbrush,

some socks...

No, man, I wanna have some

fun if I need to leave town.

Dig around. You're gonna

love it.

Nice. Baseball cards.

Yeah, I've been thinking,

and in the future,

money will end up being

valueless,

but you know what people will

always Cherish and want?

Ken Griffey Jr.

- Whoa!

- F*** man, what the sh*t?

That is not my bag.

Yeah, I know.

I think I'd figure it out if my best

friend was f***ing Pablo Escobar.

What are you doing? How did

this f***ing get here?

Hello?

- Hi. The door was open.

- Hey, Colette.

- Hi.

- Do you want some, uh...

- Some salt water Taffy? -No,

we don't have a lot of it.

No thanks, I'm good.

I just came by because Angela wants

to hire you for us for the day.

Okay, for what?

Massages.

- Oh, yes. Because that's... -That's

what we do. That's what we do.

That's who we are.

Great.

So we'll come... You should go,

you go get ready on the yacht.

Yeah, we'll freshen up, and...

- We'll meet you there.

- Just go ahead.

Okay, yeah. I'll see

you there.

Okay.

- Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god.

You figure out what to do with this, um,

I'm gonna go get us some clothes, okay?

You couldn't

find anything better?

I wouldn't be caught dead

in this.

This is by far the coolest stuff

they had at the gift shop.

We look like extras

on Magnum, p.I.

Okay, how is that a bad thing?

Tom Selleck?

Goddamn it, you're right.

He is timeless.

Ladies!

Last night was crazy. Who's

ready to feel some magic...

What are you guys? What are you...

okay. Ouch.

Hey, this guy's

pinching my neck right now!

He's got a monkey grip.

Who the f*** are you?

I don't know.

Who the f*** are you?

What?

Honey...

Do you know these guys?

Um...

No, I never seen them

before in my life.

Well what's he talking

about magic fingers, then?

Um...

Oh, you know what? I was dancing with

the girls the other night at the club,

and I hurt my back,

so I called the hotel and I said, "do

youse have any massage therapists?"

This must be them, you guys are

the massage therapists, right?

- Yep, that's us. -Okay, cool,

yeah, so they're from the hotel.

- Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

- Mmm. Yeah.

I mean, what two idiots are going to

voluntarily wear clothes like that?

So, the hotel makes you wear

this sh*t?

Uh, yes, sir.

Feels like fiberglass.

- Pretty itchy.

- Oh, I bet it is.

May I see?

I actually think it makes me look

quite strapping. Kinda buff, even.

Also a magnet for Bo.

I guess.

Okay, honey, why don't you

go downstairs and get ready.

I'll send your friends

down in a sec.

Thank you, honey, I love you.

Anything for you, sugar lips.

You guys have a really

beautiful relationship.

Thank you.

So... Your massage therapy

story might check out,

but that still doesn't mean

you're not gonna try

to get your slimy little

pencil d*cks into my wife.

- Slimy...

- Mine's actually average,

I've done research, and I have

nothing to be ashamed of.

Sir, I can assure you

that on behalf of the...

Tradewinds island resort,

we have no ill-intentions

towards your wife whatsoever.

Why would I believe that?

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