Random Tropical Paradise Page #8

- Because...

- Because we're gay.

- Because we're gay.

- Yep.

Yeah.

- Gay?

- Super.

Super gay. We do all

the stereotypes.

Uh... I won best dressed

in high school...

Yep, yep,

we watch a lot of bravo.

- Really? -We make, like, passionate

love to lady gaga, like,

- passionate love, it's like two suns burning.

- That's a lot of detail.

You two knuckleheads,

you walk on to my yacht,

wanna touch my wife,

tell me you're gay and you

expect me to believe it?

Yes?

Okay, then. Do you need help

finding your way downstairs?

Wait, for real?

You believe it? We're good?

Yeah, sure. I believe you.

I mean, what, I'm gonna make

you touch d*cks or something?

This is the 21st century

for Christ's sakes,

couple of finnocchios tell me they're

gay, which you two obviously are,

I'm not gonna make you

have to prove it.

It's like telling me you're

left-handed or red-headed.

I mean, I dunno if it's

obvious that we're gay.

Not quite sure what

Pinocchio has to do with this.

I feel like we give off

a masculine vibe.

Not at all.

See my guys here?

They're gay!

I officiated at their wedding.

Very beautiful.

Your mother cried...

- Very sweet.

- That's wonderful.

Now go.

Don't keep my wife waiting.

You guys need help

finding your way downstairs?

Nope, we'll find it.

If you guys excuse me, I've got

some business to attend to.

No problem.

Just go below.

But way below, 'cause it's

a big boat.

I'm nervous.

I'm not. I do this stuff

at work all the time.

What?

Hello?

- Hello.

- Hi.

You ready?

Yeah, so, uh, where

do you want me?

Uh, the bed.

I mean... this table.

Table bed.

- Yeah.

- I'll turn around.

Thank you.

Okay.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Before we get started,

you should know that

a lot of my clients refer to

me as the David Blaine of

magic.

That doesn't make sense.

David Blaine... never mind.

Teachable moment.

Did you know that it's well documented in

scientific and anthropological communities

that while

comparable and complementary skills and

attributes are absolutely essential

in achieving intimacy

between two people,

the same is not so much

true when it comes

to things like

sexual fulfillment or

sheer, unbridled

animalistic passion.

- What the f*** is happening?

- Eye contact.

Studies have shown that when it comes to

pure adulterated no strings attached sex

that's when the highest levels of dopamine

and oxytocin are released from the body.

And subsequently,

the most intense and

pleasurable orgasms occur

when one partner has disproportionately

more of something than the other.

In our case, it's like, "oh, my god,

take your pick," I mean maturity.

- No.

- Basic self-awareness.

I am very aware that I am great.

Ability to see at night.

Who has that?

Which one of us is a lemur?

I mean the list

goes on and on. You get it,

blah, blah, blah.

You're terrible!

Intercourse...

Commence!

Okay!

Whoa.

Are you okay?

Yep. Yeah.

Just, uh...

Fluffing your aura.

Oh.

Yeah.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

So, um...

Do you that think maybe

you can get my upper bicuspid?

Your upper bicuspid?

- Sure.

- Hmm.

Of course, mine always

gets tight as well.

Okay, okay...

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

This is my bicuspid!

Why do you want me

to massage your tooth?

Oh, my god, I don't want you

to massage my tooth.

- Now who the f*** are you?

- Okay!

Okay.

- I'm not a massage therapist.

- No sh*t.

Or a dentist.

Oh, and by the way I looked up

the handies.

You don't even want to know

what came up.

All right, the truth...

I'm here on my honeymoon.

With bowie?

Yeah.

Oh.

No, not like that.

I was supposed to get married

this past weekend.

Obviously, it didn't happen.

And so now,

bowie and I decided to go on

the honeymoon together.

It's just been a complete

what-the-f*** fest ever since.

I don't know what's going on.

Okay, the only thing I do know is

that the only time I'm not completely

miserable is when I'm with you.

Wow.

Yeah.

That really sucks.

Oh.

No, I mean that part about

your wedding sucks.

The other part was really sweet.

You're the best thing that's

happened to me since Friday.

You know, I've seen a lot of

movies that start out this way.

I've been in a lot of movies

that started out this way.

Oh.

No, really.

So if at any point I start taking

off these sexy little shorts...

Just stop me, it's a bad habit.

Uh, okay, noted.

I'll...

Do some rocks.

My specialty.

That's...

Oh, ow!

Okay, that one was hot.

It was on the bottom.

It's okay.

- Yes!

- Oh, my god, damn it!

I'm out of rocks, um...

I'm gonna go find some more.

You stay right here.

You're a sweet,

sweet angel from heaven.

- Hmm.

So...

How did it end?

Spectacularly.

So what do you really do?

I'm a lawyer.

- Shut up, you're a lawyer?

- Yeah.

And you've lied about being

a massage therapist?

I plead the fifth.

Well done.

What about you?

What do you do?

Oh, um...

I am a professional

waster of potential.

Okay, what does that mean?

You know when you're a kid

and all you dream about is all

the wonderful and amazing

things you're gonna do

when you grow up?

Sure.

Well, I grew up and I never

did any of those things.

Oh, come on.

When I was a kid, I dreamed

about being a firetruck.

Like literally a firetruck.

That's what I wanted to be.

Stop.

I mean, you had to have done

some cool things with your life.

Yeah, I've done some things.

Okay...

It's killing me. I know that I know you.

How do I know you?

Um...

Hmm...

Ah... okay. When I was 21,

I was picked to be the face

of a new energy sports drink.

- Diesel valve.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my god.

You're the diesel Valkyrie.

Holy sh*t.

That super bowl commercial was huge.

You were everywhere.

Yeah, I was. I mean one minute I was

just some college kid and the next...

Boom.

It's crazy.

You think your life is gonna

go this one way

and then something happens

that completely changes it.

Yeah.

So then what do you do?

It's your life.

You live it.

So no regrets, huh?

Well, I was just

two credits shy of getting my degree in

marine biology when everything happened.

Okay, I get it. That's why

you're scuba diving every day.

Yeah, yeah, I've actually been

doing it with some of the people

from the marine

institute here and...

They said if I wanted to stay

to work on a fellowship

and finish my degree, I could.

That's awesome.

Is it?

I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't do it 'cause I'm

scared shitless of the ocean...

But it's cool for you.

It's scary

actually, possibly becoming the

person you've always wanted to be.

I'm not big on plans.

Well I think if you

have a chance,

you should go for it.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, I'll do it.

- Yeah.

- That's it?

You're just gonna make a huge

life-altering decision just like that?

How else do you make one?

You just changed my entire life.

Hold on. Slow down.

I think maybe you should think about it.

I can't handle that responsibility.

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