Recep Ivedik 2 Page #6

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Now I'm at the second phase, to get married.

You can easily find them. There are escort agency

sites, dating sites.

What! Shut it before I...!!

I tell you I'm looking for a girl

to marry, and you talk about escorts.

It's impossible!

- Excuse me Mr Recep sir

- How dare you call your future sister-in-law an escort!

Ok, ok. So you want to make a profile

on normal sites.

Go and make me a profile.

Save me from this life.

Here we go then. First, you

need to make a nickname.

- Nick what?

- Nickname. A pseudonym.

- Ah, a pseudonym.

- Do you have one?

Me and my grandfather share the

same nickname:
"Bear-strangler".

"Bear-strangler", isn't that

a bit harsh on yourself?

How dare you speak like that

about the name of my grandfather!

A girl must accept me

just the way I am.

The babes are attracted by

my swagger,not my display.

The girl will see that I'm

a Bear-strangler when she sees me anyway.

Ok. Now I have to put

in your hobbies.

My hobbies?

Put down sport.

- At sports, I like horse racing.

- Horse racing.

- Yes

- Any others?

- Close-quarters combat. I can knock people out.

I do it well.

If I hit someone, they just drop immediately.

Ok, so he fights well.

Are there any others?

- I am sensitive.

- He is sensitive.

I am aggressive. I have complexes.

But I am timid as a kitten

when by myself.

Aggressive, complexes,

like a kitten when by self.

Aggressive, complexes,

like a kitten when by self.

- Yes.

- Fine.

And finally, we need

a profile photo.

- Fine, take one now.

- Ok, I'll take one.

Smile Mr Recep.

- Count me down from 3 to 1.

- 3, 2, 1.

- It's ok.

- Is it ok?

- Yes, take a look.

- Fine.

- I'll completet your profile this evening at home.

- See if any chicks have replied yet.

- I can't, not yet.

- Why not?

No one would respond

that quickly.

Look, I'll complete it at home.

Tomorrow you'll have two, for sure.

Yes ok then. Fine,

we'll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Ok, now you can call me brother

Recep instead of Mr sir Recep.

- Now we're on a level.

- Ok then, brother Recep...

Hey, I'll break

your arms and your head.

- Didn't you hear? I do close-quarters combat.

- Forgive me, brother Recep.

Brother Recep. Oh brother Recep...

Huh?

What are you doing?

Is this a camera?

Hey, don't come here to chat sh*t,

can you not see I am busy? I am photocopying.

- I have some good news.

- What's happened?

- I've got you a date.

- Really?

- I swear.

- By God?

- By God.

- Oh my God. I am very happy.

I'm very excited.

I swear to you, I am so excited!

By God! By God!.

I told you I'd manage to get one.

Well done.

Lay it here!!

This is super. I need to go

put myself in order.

But first let's photograph

this moment to remember.

- Ow, what are you doing

- Take that.

- But you've broken it.

- Come, come.

But there is

dangerous radiation...

What are you doing brother Recep?

People will mistake us for lovers.

I'm not doing this

for your amusement.

In fact, all my friends

are animal-types.

This is the first time

that I've dated someone through the internet.

It's nothing to get so excited about.

It will be so good.

The girl's nickname is 'daisygirl'.

Her clothes are pink.

- Let me see if she's arrived.

Has she arrived?

- No, stay calm.

- I just had an explosion of adrenaline.

Look at my mouth and my tongue

are so dry. Look, can you see?

I'm going to get something

to drink. You want anything?

- No thanks.

- Fine, mate.

- Thank you.

- Pardon.

Good day.

Can you give me an Orangina?

- I'm sorry, we don't have any orangina.

- Alright, give me a glass of lime.

- We don't have any of that, sorry.

- Then give me a cup of sage tea.

Sorry, we don't have

any sage tea.

Alright then, give me

one of those mint and lemon teas. Go on hurry up.

But sir, we don't do

mint and lemon tea here.

- Give me an orchid then.

- We have no orchids.

- Not even some boza?

- We only sell coffee.

Ok ok. Give me a Mrra then. Hurry.

We don't have any

mrra sir.

What, isn't this a Starbucks?

You don't have anything. The satisfaction of

the customer is very important.

You may choose from our menu

sir.

- That is all that we sell here.

- Let me see.

The menu is good.

It's a full menu.

What do you suggest?

I don't understand any of it.

Why not try a caramel macchiato.

I'll put in an extra espresso shot.

Why not try a caramel macchiato.

I'll put in an extra espresso shot.

Very well, fine.

Give me a Karamallimohnettu zopressoshotter.

- What a menu!

- Tall-grande-vinti.

What's that sir?

Those are 3 different sizes.

Tall-grenti-finti, that's all I want,

get on with it.

God, do I have to wait

till next morning?

Your name?

What, you need to verify

my ID?

No, not that. I need you to give

me your name...

...so that I can call you

when your order is ready.

I don't give my name

to people I don't know.

It's my rule. Write down

my pseudonym. "Bear-strangler".

Ok then, Mr

"Bear-strangler".

Yeah, write whatever

sh*t you want.

Excuse me,

could I have a serviette?

- Daisygirl?

- What?

I am "Bear-strangler".

Daisygirl, right?

What daisy? What do you mean?

I am "Bear-strangler".

Pink clothes, we have a date.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I'll strangle the bear like so.

You crazy or what?

You animal! Get lost!

God! Oh God!

God no!

Brother Recep?

I've lost an eye.

My eye!

My kidneys!

Oh God!

[shouts wildly]

You want me to blow into it?

My eye! I can't see!

Where am I?

Take me to the exit!

Take me to the exit.

Oh God!

[shouting]

Oh...She burned me Ali Kerem,

she ruined me Mehmet Ali!

You didn't help me out, you didn't

save me. Put some more on my eye.

Ok.

Oh God. That girl pepper-sprayed

me right in the eyes.

And you couldn't do anything...

Some more.

Ok.

She's blinded me.

She made me blind Mehmet Ali!

It's you who wanted the nickname.

But you should have told me you fool.

That nickname is a bit too awkward.

It's you who's so good

with computers.

Alright,I'll tell

you what we'll do.

We'll make a new profile

and find a new nickname.

Do what you want.

They've blinded me.

Oh my eyes are burned, Mehmet Ali!

Is there a film that you like?

We could use the names of your heroes?

- There's a film I quite like, Karate Kid.

- Karate Kid, what's that got to do with anything?

But I like it a lot.

The way they do the moves. [imitates karate]

There's a guy in it, Miyagi-Sen.

Bzzzzzp, he catches a fly with his chopsticks.

- Alright then, Karate Kid.

- Write it in.

Karate Kid.

So we have to write things

from the Far East as your hobbies.

Good, write things related

to the Far East.

Yes, there are quite a few from

the Far East in my family.

- From the Far East?

- We were born in Kars.

But Kars isn't in the Far East!

What, is it in the Near West?

Shithead.

Kars is in the Far East

of Turkey.

Kars is in the Far East

of Turkey.

Do you want me to write

sushi as your favourite food?

Write it. Write whatever you want.

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