Relative Evil Page #3

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sweetie.

The magazines

weren't enough?

Ma, the magazines

were great.

(Bull)

There you go, Phyllis.

We gave the state

15 grand;

they send the boy back

a smokestack.

[chuckling dryly]

Now,

[clearing throat]

as long as we're

clearing things up here,

you might have noticed

a Volkswagen Beetle

parked out there

next to that scrap heap

that says Monte Carlo

on its sides.

I can't begin

to tell you

how much I hate that Nazi whore.

I got my gut

hanging over the gearshift,

crunched up

like a veal.

And every time

I get in that car,

I think of you.

It's your face I see

in the rearview mirror, JJ.

Can't this

wait, Bull?

(Bull)

Tiptoes.

Boy, you're living

on tiptoes.

Now, once this little soiree

breaks up,

I suggest

that you tiptoe outside

and shovel a path

so we can get to work

in the morning.

We?

Surprise, sweetie.

Bull--Bull--

Bull managed to get you a job

at the steel mill.

Get you a little

pocket money,

a little

spending money.

Court money,

guardrail money.

Geez, Ma, I got these meetings

I got to go to.

(Bull)

Them's

at night, son.

Fortunately, work starts

in the morning.

What time

in the morning?

6:
00 a.m.

Welcome home, son.

[wind whistling]

(JJ)

It's for veterans

wounded in battle.

They receive the Purple Heart,

and they get to go home.

(Benji)

Which program was it?

Huh?

Bull says

you were on a program.

Which one was it?

No, I was in

a program.

It's something

that teaches--

you know,

like school.

But it's different,

'cause they taught me

not to do something.

Was it successful?

Who've you been

talking to, Benji?

Well, Bull says

that he needs an assurance--

you know, that the program

was successful,

because sometimes

it's not.

Bull says he needs

an assurance?

From who?

I don't know.

Are you okay, JJ?

Of course I am.

Look, you talk to me

from now on, okay?

Bull doesn't

know anything.

'Kay.

[knocking]

[door opening]

Is the driveway

shoveled?

(JJ)

Yeah.

It'll get better, honey,

I promise.

Good night, Mom.

Good night.

Come on, Benji.

JJ needs

to be alone.

[door creaking

and closing]

[pensive music]

(JJ)

There was this rumor

going around when we were kids

that if you ate a mouthful

of Pop Rocks

and washed it down with soda,

your stomach would explode.

It was supposed to have happened

to that kid Mikey

from the cereal commercial.

And we're shooting

the sh*t about him

in Bobby Raven's

tree house,

and before you know it,

I'm coming back from the store

with a sixer of RC

and a baggie of Pop Rocks.

So I'm up there

with my last f***ing supper

and everybody's

looking at me,

kind of with their eyes

half-closed,

not sure if they really want

to see a stomach explode.

I make some half-assed

nine-year-old toast,

and down I go

with a full baggie of Pop Rocks

and half a can on soda.

Clink.

[chuckling]

It got really quiet.

Not a sound.

We waited.

We waited

like five minutes.

I guess in the end,

we all felt really gypped.

(Dr. Charlie)

Uh, did you think

your stomach

would explode?

I don't remember.

(Dr. Charlie)

Because if you thought

it would explode, then you were

committing suicide, JJ.

And that's a death wish.

I don't think

I thought that far ahead.

Oh, no, I don't think

you did either,

because in that moment,

you were quite satisfied

being the center of attention.

Nobody was

going anywhere, Doc.

No, see, you'd found a new way

to impress your friends.

You didn't need

to be good at T-ball.

You could just

kill yourself instead.

So you embarked on a nine-year

quest to do just that.

Um, tell me, was your father

a hard man to impress?

(JJ)

My father died

when I was three.

Wh-what do you

remember?

(JJ)

I remember he won

the Purple Heart.

He pinned it on me.

He told me

I was his soldier.

How was he wounded?

He saved his platoon.

Oh.

Was he a drinking man?

I don't remember.

Your stepfather, Bull,

had his own child, right?

And so you had

to find a way

to make him

pay attention to you.

Didn't he?

You were the center

of attention in the hospital,

in the courtroom?

It wasn't my fault.

The cocksucker was

on the wrong side of the road.

Yeah, how fast

were you going?

115 miles an hour.

[group chuckling]

Why were you going

115 miles an hour?

You know, it's hard

to ignore a boy

with a rope

around his neck.

[pounding]

(Bull)

Hey, JJ,

let's go!

The whore's leaving.

[whimsical music]

(man)

So I'd pick

the kids up at 7:00,

drive them home at 3:00.

It was the time in between

that got a little complicated.

The PTA thought

that a 30-foot yellow school bus

parked in front of

the Sticky Kitty Bar and Lounge

was an eyesore.

So I soon worked out a plan

to buy my booze ahead of time.

Well, then the PTA

had a problem

with empty schnapps bottles

rolling under the bus seats

every time

I made a pickup.

There is just

no pleasing these people, huh?

[woman over TV]

Coke, root beer,

alcohol.

Rum.

ding!

[man over TV]

S.

Itch.

Scratch.

(man)

T.

Chair.

Table.

ding!

(man)

U.

Hawaiian.

Hula!

Guitar.

No, ukulele.

ding!

(man)

V.

[phone ringing]

Mountain.

Volcano.

ding, ding, ding!

(Dot)

Hello.

Honey, do you mind?

I'll let

the cat in.

Can you close the door

after you?

Sure.

Hello.

Yeah, I'm alone.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, sh*t.

(Phyllis)

No, stop, stop!

No!

[chuckling]

Hey, it's the $6 million man.

JJ, it's Bobby.

See?

I see.

You shouldn't

smoke, JJ.

Thank you, Bobby.

[Bobby laughing]

She's so great.

I mean, don't you think it's

hard enough, and you come here?

Well, it didn't make

much fiscal sense

to wait for you

to come to me.

I would've come.

Oh, sure, you would've come.

What, in another six months?

No.

I've waited long enough.

(JJ)

Mom, sorry,

Bobby can't stay.

Sure he can stay.

No, he can't stay;

he forgot something.

(Bobby)

Well, anything

that I've forgotten

certainly can stay forgotten

for a bowl of cereal.

How was the meeting?

Inspiring.

Why don't you show me

your room, JJ?

So did you think

it was just going to go away?

Come on, Bobby--

you'll get your money.

'Cause you were gone

a long time, man.

Things change.

I mean, even out here

in Bumblefuckville,

things change.

Are you

threatening me, Bobby?

[scoffing]

Don't become more trouble

than you're worth, all right?

And you're

only worth $3,500.

What did

you want me to do?

I was in rehab

for six months.

Where was I supposed

to get $3,500?

[chuckling]

Rehab.

[laughing]

That was really clever,

that rehab stuff, man.

I gotta hand it to you.

[laughing]

Bravo.

It was that

or jail, Bobby.

It was no joke.

All right,

I'm finished.

I'm clean.

You're clean,

ha ha ha.

That's

my favorite part.

Look, man, we used

to drink Sterno together.

I used to spray

air freshener in your face.

It's me.

It's Bobby Raven, man.

I'm not going

to tell anybody.

Really, Bobby,

I'm done.

I just got some FedExed

to me this morning, man.

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