Relative Evil Page #5

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(man)

I don't want to see you

saying hallelujah time.

Oh, ho, no.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,

doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo.

If anybody calls,

I'll be sitting--

Thanks, Bobby.

I'll call you.

(man)

Oh, ho, no.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,

doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo.

It only hurts me

when I...

(man #1)

Hey.

(boy)

What's up, JJ?

(man #2)

Hey, JJ.

Hey, welcome home, kid.

Hey.

Stu, how are you?

Hey, I almost

went out of business

without you, JJ.

[chuckling uncomfortably]

Yeah.

Um, I'll get a, um--

a Long Island iced tea

and a--

Tequila?

No, no, no.

How 'bout a, um,

something real fun, you know?

Kamikaze?

How 'bout a Coke

and orange soda mixed?

Feels funny

drinking here alone.

I can't now, Lizzie.

I mean, you understand.

Yeah, yeah,

I understand.

You know, it wasn't easy

being in there,

watching one day

lead into the next

for six

f***ing months.

They treat us

like six-year-olds.

And I thought of you.

I mean,

I thought you'd visit,

and I thought you'd

write me a letter.

Yeah, I just--

I've been busy.

Wh-What were you doing?

Um, I got a job

after graduation.

Waitressing.

There's the job,

and I got no car,

and you know that.

And you don't have

a stamp either, huh?

Or an envelope?

Or any common

f***ing decency?

Look, I came here

tonight, didn't I?

(Bobby)

Hey, babies,

good to see you.

I'm doing all right.

Um, can I get, uh--

let me get, uh,

three tequilas.

Were you running around

with somebody?

Were you running around

with Bobby?

He's dangerous,

all right?

You have no idea.

Are you going

to give him his money?

What?

He's your friend, JJ.

My friend says

he's going to break my legs.

What do you

expect?

You run out of town

for six months

and leave him holding

a $3,500 f*** you.

He's got people

to answer to,

you know?

I mean, people who aren't

quite as understanding as he is.

Friends don't do that

to each other.

Are you collecting

for him now?

Okay.

Hey, uh,

I'm not interrupting,

am I?

Actually, Bobby--

Well, f*** it.

[snorting]

Oh, man.

(Lizzie)

We were actually

just talking about you.

Oh, I bet you were.

Hey, a toast, huh?

To JJ

and his big birthday.

Okay.

Gah!

To old times, huh?

(Lizzie)

You know, JJ,

I'm really happy

for you.

I mean, you found

your path,

and I wish

you all the luck in the world

sticking to it.

It just--

it looks like your path

ends at the plant.

[Bobby snorting

and laughing]

You don't have to send her

around anymore, all right?

You'll get

your money.

Wait, JJ.

Look, J,

I'm really sorry, man.

I didn't mean

for the money to get

in the way of our friendship.

(Ernie)

Hey, JJ.

What do you do?

What do you say?

What the f***?

(JJ)

Uh, Pops,

did you pick up my paycheck

for this week?

Yeah, sure,

it's on the table.

(JJ)

246 bucks?

Ah--I worked 50 hours.

Yeah, well,

what'd you expect?

It ain't exactly

rocket science.

This isn't

going to do it.

90 bucks in taxes!

Welcome

to the free world.

This isn't

going to do it.

Pop, you got

to get me something else.

Like what?

Like anything else.

[rattling]

[cheerful music]

Car.

No.

Hup, plus one.

Cap.

I'm going crazy,

Doc.

I got to get out

of here.

But you didn't

get cap?

No, you're not

listening to me.

JJ,

I'm listening.

They're your family.

My family is

the best reason I can think

to drink myself

into a coma.

Did I say

it was going to be easy?

Did I say you weren't going

to doubt yourself every day?

Cap?

No, you're not listening.

It was right there.

JJ, you can't

live in the clinic.

Recovery

begins at home.

Besides, your mother

deserves a son,

and your brother

deserves a brother.

So what did you find?

(JJ)

I found LSD.

Uh, I'm not sure

you can use abbreviations.

It's in

the dictionary.

Okay, fine, fine.

That's one.

(JJ)

I found morphine.

(Dr. Charlie)

JJ, morphine's not there.

Sure it is.

It's seven letters;

it's extra.

That's eight letters,

and there are no Ms

or Os or Hs.

I could've sworn

I saw them there.

Look, they're mixed!

What?

They're mixed.

And how are my

living-room gladiators?

We're not

in the living room.

We're not?

We're in

the Colosseum!

[laughing shrilly]

The Colosseum.

Okay, let me guess:

which one of you is the lion?

Well,

you can't tell?

[roaring]

[Phyllis roaring]

[roaring]

(Phyllis)

Tall glass of vodka

for my gladiator.

Don't turn your back

on this one.

Oh, I should say not.

I've learned

a thing or two

about counting

chickens.

What did you say?

I've learned

a thing or two--

No, Mom,

what did you say?

I said a tall glass

of lemonade for my gladiator.

Okay, JJ,

the secret is suffixes.

You find a suffix

like, um--

E-N-T--

"ent."

Yeah, "ent,"

perfect.

Take a suffix

like "ent"

and then you can start

to build words like relent,

sent, bent--

tequila.

What?

Tent.

Rock cocaine.

What?

Vent.

Excellent.

Wait, stop.

Cop.

Pop.

Fat long lines

of Bolivian marching powder

hidden away in the speaker?

Beauty, there's another one.

I gotta go use

the can.

Okay, sure.

[sighing happily]

How's he doing,

Doctor?

Oh, stronger--

stronger every day.

Yeah?

You don't suppose you could talk

to him about smoking?

It's just so--

dirty.

Okay, I'll talk to him.

Well, I have to go

to the hospital, Doctor, so...

as far

as I'm concerned,

you're one of the family.

Thank you, Phyllis.

Thank you.

[cheery music]

(woman)

After a couple years

of daily cocaine abuse,

I could run a Kleenex up

one nostril and out the other.

I did it for my son's

fifth birthday party.

Kids loved it.

You know, what the hell?

It was cheaper than a clown.

I didn't have a lot of money

to spend on clowns

for my five-year-old

back then.

I needed every cent just to get

out of bed in the morning.

Hey, hon,

you going somewhere?

I told you

I was.

Yes.

That's right,

of course.

I remember.

Um, where?

Spanish class.

Oh, si, si, seora.

What?

It means

"yes, yes, honey."

I'm late, Ernie.

Dot, we need to talk.

About what?

About JJ.

There's

somebody else,

isn't there?

[rock music]

(Bobby)

Hey.

Get in.

I can walk.

Come on;

you can get in.

What?

What's wrong, huh?

What, are you mad

at me?

Or is it just you don't want

to get in my car?

No, hold on.

No, come here,

come here!

Why are you

doing this?

Because I can.

I need my money,

JJ.

JJ.

Officer Waters.

Higher power.

[chuckling]

Everything all right?

Yeah, we're good.

I'm good, yeah.

I got 2 1/2 weeks.

You got 16 days.

Call me, okay?

You know, Dot, if there's

somebody else involved,

it's okay.

Are you

questioning me, Ernie?

I--you got a little

enthusiastic, that's all.

Now, you just break it off,

that's all.

It's my fault.

I'm gullible.

I think

with my heart

instead

of my head.

And now you,

my knight in shining armor,

turns into a suspicious

little stock boy

accusing me of conspiring

against my nephew.

I'm late.

Just stop it, Dot.

That's all.

Whatever you started,

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