Religulous Page #4

are really not complete

in who they are

as men or women.

That's a pretty big judgment

for a Christian.

- It's not a judgment.

- That's not a judgment?

That you are sitting here

telling these people

who you don't even know

that they're incomplete

because they're not like you?

I mean, it's not the people you suspect

that are gay, that are gay.

People like

the Reverend Ted Haggard...

Moral purity is better than immorality.

...who kept meeting

homosexual prostitutes in a hotel room

and having gay sex with speed.

Evangelicals have the best

sex life of any other group.

- Good Morning, Duane!

- But he wasn't gay?

I already answered that.

I don't believe that

anybody is gay.

I don't know,

but honestly, if I just saw you

in a bar or something, I would say...

and don't take this the wrong way...

I would say, "Yeah,

I think that guy is gay."

You're good looking.

You're neat, you know.

- You don't look like me.

- Meaning?

Meaning...

- All right, thank you.

- Can I give you a hug?

- Yes!

- I hug everybody,

so can I give you a hug?

- Thanks.

- Thank you very much.

Hey, you didn't have

a hard-on there, did you?

Nope, sorry. Can't do that.

That was good, though.

When I was 17,

my first girlfriend dumped me,

and I was sad in a way

I'd never been sad.

You know,

your first dumping is the worst.

And at that point,

you're very vulnerable

to any sort of connection

with, you know...

I didn't get like Jesus-religious,

but I did think a force out there

was communicating to me

through song lyrics or...

numerology I was

very interested in for a while.

You said you were groping

for something at that time.

You know, you make up

an imaginary friend who loves you,

is sympathetic to you

and has a plan for you.

It's much more important.

He didn't have to love me, God,

He just had

to be working for me.

You know, He's like an agent.

So you are an ex-Jew for Jesus.

That is correct.

Now what made you to decide

to be a follower of Christ?

What brought Christ

into your life?

Back in '75,

I went to Michigan

State University.

- $2,700?

- Yeah, it's pricey.

Boy, I wonder what Madonna

without the child runs you.

So getting back to my story,

I could ask God

to do things in the name

of Jesus and they would happen.

So I can't even recall

all the little miracles He did,

but He proved to me that

He was real and He was there.

They were so miraculous

and you can't remember what they were?

There were so many of them

and they were little things.

- Give me an example.

- One example I can remember was

I was at a party.

There was a guy who was working

with Jews for Jesus,

and I asked him,

"Can I get a drink of water?"

And he says,

"You know what? Here's a glass,

stick your hand out the window

and pray for rain."

I didn't like the attitude.

I said okay,

and I stuck my hand out the window

and it started pouring rain.

Pouring so bad that people

couldn't leave the party.

To me, that's a miracle.

You don't have to believe it,

- but I know between me and God...

- It is pretty lame.

- But you asked.

- I asked, but I'm just saying

- that's my reaction to your answer.

- But that's just one of many things.

I live a life of miracles.

No, you live your life with the same

sort of mundane coincidences

that happen to everybody

in the world.

It's not like,

you know, if it rained frogs,

I would say you had a point.

But it rains, and it stops raining.

Well, when was the last time

you asked for rain

and it starting raining

within 10 seconds?

I don't know.

I don't ever ask for rain.

But if I asked for it really bad

and it started to rain,

I wouldn't think it was

because I asked for it.

I would think

because it sometimes rains.

God is not that busy

where He can't spend time

listening to you

when you really want

to talk to Him, anytime.

If Santa Claus can hit

every house in the world

- in one night...

- I don't believe in Santa Claus.

Of course not, that's ridiculous.

That's one man flying

all around the world and dropping

presents down a chimney.

That's ridiculous.

One man hearing everybody murmur

to him at the same time, that I get.

And you know what else

was very confusing to me?

I remember vividly

was Santa Claus

- and Jesus.

- You were so mad at us.

- Oh, yes.

- So mad at you, why? Oh, when...

When you realized there

was no Santa Claus.

And then when I found out

there was no Jesus,

boy, was I pissed.

You spoke before in certitude.

You're 100% sure

that after you die,

you'll go to a better place.

I know I'll be with God.

I'll be with Jesus.

And that's a better place.

Even if it was in a garbage can,

which I know it won't be,

but even if it was,

just the fact that

I'm with Jesus, to me, is good.

- It's a better place.

- It's a better place.

Then why don't you kill yourself?

Because God still has

a mission for me here.

Oh, I see.

I'm thinking of Jonah.

God sent Jonah on a mission.

When did the part of the story come

when Jonah lived in the whale?

It was a great fish.

It's one of my favorite

nonsense stories,

Jonah living inside

of the whale.

And their answer unfailingly is

"The Bible doesn't say whale.

It says big fish."

Oh, yeah, big fish,

that makes...

I'm sorry I was obsessing

on that it was a whale. It's a big fish.

Of course you could live

for three days in a big fish.

A tuna.

They do it all the time in Japan.

They have tuna spas.

You go for three days.

They pamper you, oils.

You come out of that tuna

feeling fantastic.

You smell like p*ssy,

but you feel fantastic.

This man lived inside

of a fish for three days?

Miraculously, yes.

Steve, Steve, Steve.

You don't believe in miracles.

- That doesn't mean they don't exist.

- Of course not!

I'm not 10!

He lived in a fish.

Come on.

Your bar on miracles is pretty low,

I gotta tell you, bro.

Well, whatever.

Two things that are

completely incompatible

are Christianity

as Jesus taught it

- and nationalism...

- Right. Exactly.

...and yet people always

say God and country.

Jesus would never...

you know,

people who are

such good Christians...

in one breath you'll hear them

say something like,

"Well, you gotta take care

of your own first.

I know people overseas have trouble,

but you gotta take"...

that is not a message I can ever see

the Jesus in the Bible,

even when he was

in a bad mood, would say.

I'm gonna vote Bible.

It's time for God's people to come

out of the closets,

out of the churches

and change America!

Unless you and I do

what God wants us to do,

he'll go to some other country.

God, forgive America!

I would probably have to say yes,

that the Constitution established

the United States of America

as a Christian nation.

We have, of course,

"In God We Trust" on our money.

The Senate will come to order.

The chaplain will lead

the Senate in prayer.

How did this country

get to be a Christian nation?

I've read a lot of quotes

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