Return of the Scarecrow Page #5

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WITH MY DOG.

YEAH, WHAT'S THE SITUATION

WITH THE DOG?

WELL, I'M SURE YOU CAN HANDLE

REGULAR DOG SITUATIONS,

BUT BELIEVE ME,

THIS IS A--

UNUSUAL DOG SITUATION,

AND, UH--

REALLY?

WE'D JUST AS SOON HAVE

THE SHERIFF'S EXPERTISE

AND YEARS OF EXPERIENCE

ON THE CASE.

RIGHT.

UH, HE'S NOT REACHABLE

RIGHT NOW.

I COULD HELP YOU OU IF YOU NEED IT.

YES, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.

BUT IF WE COULD PERHAPS

HAVE THE SHERIFF, UH,

CONSULTED BY PHONE?

WELL, I CAN LEAVE HIM

A MESSAGE, TELL HIM

TO GET AHOLD OF YA.

WELL, IS HE ON VACATION

MUCH LONGER, DEPUTY?

UH, A FEW MORE DAYS.

I GUESS I'LL WAIT AT HOME

FOR MY ANSWER, AND YOU COULD

HAVE HIM, UH, CALL ME

AT YOUR FIRST CONVENIENCE?

OKAY.

OKAY, THANK YOU, DEPUTY.

THANK YOU.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

YOU TOO.

[ BELL RINGING ]

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND SLEEP TIGHT.

AND MAKE SURE YOU SLEEP.

[ MUSIC ]

TIMMY!

TIMMY!

WHAT?

I WAS SLEEPIN'.

MOM'LL GET MAD.

TIMMY, I'M SCARED.

OF WHAT?

GO TO SEEP.

THE SCARECROW.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

OH YEAH?

LOOK.

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

WYATT!

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL

ARE YOU DOIN' NOW, MAN?

I SWEAR, WHAT HAS

GOTTEN INTO YOU, DUDE?

IT'S A SCARECROW,

IT'S A SCARECROW AT THE WINDOW!

GET YOUR GUN, DAD,

AND BLAST IT!

WE GOT TO GIT, WYATT!

COME ON, MAN!

WYATT, DO YOU KNOW

WHAT GIT MEANS?

COME ON!

YOU SEE ANYTHING?

NO.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK.

YOU LOCK THE DOOR AND HOLE UP

WITH THE KIDS, OKAY?

OKAY.

CAREFUL, YOU DAMN FOOL.

[ SHOTGUN RACKING ]

JUST IN CASE.

YOU KNOW THAT WON' DO NO GOOD.

EXCEPT MAKE IT MAD.

WELL, JO, I'M JUST HOPIN'

IT'S NOTHIN' BUT YOUR NERVES.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

TOLD THAT STORY.

JUST SAYIN'.

EVERY TIME I GET TO SCHOOL,

I TELL HIM HE HAS TO GO

TO THE BATHROOM:

AND LICK THE TOILET.

I EVEN TOLD HIM, "MY DAD'S

THE SHERIFF, YOU HAVE TO

DO WHAT I SAY."

THERE'S REALLY NO OPTION.

I TELL YOU WHAT!

OH, I DON'T WANNA KNOW THAT!

YEAH, I PANCAKED HIM.

IT WAS-- IT WAS TERRIBLE, MAN.

THAT'S GROSS.

OH YEAH, WE DIDN'T KNOW WHA TO DO WITH HIM, SO WE KINDA JUS THREW HIM OUT IN THE BACK,

AND WE JUST-- YOU KNOW,

JUST ANOTHER GOPHER IN THE YARD.

[ CHUCKLING ]

I-- I FULLY SUPPOR WHAT YOU TOLD US.

EVAN!

EVAN!

EVAN!

OKAY, YOUR MOM WAS TALKIN'

TO MY MOM ABOUT HOW

SHE WAS TALKING TO YOUR UNCLE--

IT'S KINDA LIKE, MY GRANDPA,

HE WAS TALKIN' TO

THE CONVENIENCE STORE GUY,

WHICH I THINK WAS TALKIN'--

WELL GET ON WITH IT, NOW!

THIS SCARECROW POPS

OUTTA NOWHERE, AND SCARES

YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER.

MY BROTHER AND SISTER?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA GE THAT SUMBITCH!

YEAH!

LET'S GET 'UM!

YEAH!!!

COME ON!

[ CAR ENGINE REVVING ]

[ PANTING ]

JUST GOTTA CATCH MY BREATH.

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR

THE EXERTION TODAY.

[ CAR APPROACHING ]

[ HOOTING AND HOLLERING ]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?

VIRG, WHEN I GE MY HANDS ON YOU...

[ APPROACHING CAR STOPS ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

WAIT, DID YOU

BRING IT THIS TIME?

YEAH.

NOT LIKE LAST TIME?

YEAH.

WELL, WHERE IS IT?

SH*T, IT'S IN THE CAR.

YOU'D BEST GO GET IT, THEN.

AND MORE WINE, TOO.

HURRY, BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.

YOU'RE MINE NOW, YOU BIG DUMMY.

[ GROWLING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

THAT WAS SOME:

FUNNY SH*T, WYATT!

[ GROWLING ]

WHAT THE HELL?

I'LL GET YOU,

YOU SON OF A B*TCH!

COME ON, JOE.

I WANT TO GO HOME.

DAMN IT.

I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!

IF I FIND THAT GUY...

OH MAN, YOU'RE PISSIN' OFF

EVERYBODY TONIGHT.

LET'S SKEDADDLE, MAN.

[ CAR ENGINE STARTING ]

[ MUSIC ]

[ STICK DRAGGING ON GROUND ]

COME ON, KELLY, KEEP UP.

I'M GETTIN' KINDA BORED.

AND TIRED.

DO YOU WANNA GO BACK?

DON'T YOU WANNA CATCH THIS GUY?

THERE'S A HOUSE RIGHT THERE.

WE'LL GO AND SEE

IF THEY SAW ANYTHING.

WHAT IF IT'S NOT A GUY?

DO YOU MEAN,

"WHAT IF IT'S NOT A GUY?"

AS IN, IT'S AN ACTUAL SCARECROW?

[ LAUGHING ]

WE'LL STILL BEAT ITS ASS.

HEY!

WHO GOES THERE?

WHO ARE YOU?

I HAVE A GUN AND I WILL USE IT.

YEAH?

WELL I HAVE THIS STICK,

AND I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

DUDE, WAIT.

HI, I'M-I'M KELLY,

AND THIS IS REBECCA.

WE-- WE'RE JUST CAMPIN'

WITH SOME FRIENDS, AND--

WHAT WE ASSUME WAS A DUDE

DRESSED AS A SCARECROW

CAME TO TERRORIZE US.

WE BEAT HIM UP, AND NOW

WE'RE JUST CHASIN' HIM.

MY FRIEND WILL KICK YOUR ASS

IF YOU TRY TO HURT US.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

FAIR ENOUGH.

I-- I TOO AM CHASING A MAN

DRESSED AS A SCARECROW.

HE SCARED THE BEJEEZUS

OUT OF MY LITTLE ONES.

WE DON'T NEED THIS KIND

OF CRAP AROUND HERE.

[ SCREAMING ]

WHAT THE HELL?

I'LL GET YOU,

YOU SON OF A B*TCH!

WE GOTTA GO HELP.

WELL, HOLD ON NOW.

WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, FOR SAFETY IN NUMBERS

AND EVERYTHING.

WHAT, ARE YOU SCARED TOO?

IT'S JUST A GUY IN A COSTUME,

RIGHT?

OH LORD, I HOPE SO.

THIS WHOLE SCARECROW THING

IS JUST LEGEND, RIGHT?

WELL, I DUNNO, IT'S--

YEAH, IT'S--

IT'S PROBABLY JUST A--

A MAN IN A MASK OR SOMETHIN'.

WHY DIDN'T HE

ANSWER MY QUESTION?

COME ON, LET'S GO!

COME ON.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

WHAT?

A SCARECROW?

I'VE HEARD THIS.

IS THIS-- IS THIS A JOKE?

[ PHONE RINGING ]

HOLD, PLEASE.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

OKAY, OKAY.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

HOLD, PLEASE.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

SERIOUSLY?!

[ PHONE RINGING ]

OKAY, HOLD, PLEASE.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

WHERE?

WITH WHO?

YOUR GIRLFRIEND, DOING WHAT?

WITH A SCARECROW?

[ PHONE RINGING ]

OKAY, HOLD, PLEASE.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

HA, HA, HA, HA, FUNNY!

FUNNY, I GET-- OKAY.

BYE.

I DUNNO WHAT THE HELL

THOSE GUYS ARE UP TO.

I HOPE WE NEVER:

SEE THEM AGAIN.

OH MY GOD, JOE!

THERE HE IS!

WHAT THE HELL?

AHH!

HEY, 'SCUSE ME, PARTNER.

YOU SON OF A B*TCH!

I'M GONNA WHOOP YOUR ASS!

WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!

JOE, GET BACK HERE!

JOE!

I'M SCARED!

[ PANTING ]

VIRG, OL' BOY,

I GET THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION

YOU WERE BEHIND THIS SOMEHOWS.

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

GET THAT SUMBITCH!

[ HOOTING AND HOLLERING ]

AW, HELL.

YEAH, THERE HE IS!

ALL RIGHT, WYATT,

WHAT YOU THINK, MAN?

SHOULD WE GO THAT WAY,

OR THAT WAY?

LET ME GUESS...

"MMRGH!"

[ GROWLING ]

YEP, ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.

WATCH IT, YOU A**HOLE!

[ GROWLING ]

HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS CLOSE!

YOU OKAY, BUDDY?

[ LAUGHING ]

[ GROWLING ]

OW, OKAY!

OKAY MAN, BAD IDEA.

GAME OVER, RIGHT?

LET'S-- LET'S JUS GO BACK TO JOSEPHINE'S.

MAYBE WE CAN GET LAST CALL,

RIGHT?

[ GROWLING ]

KINDA FIGURED YOU'D

SAY THAT, OL' BOY.

COME ON, MAN.

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

[ BELL RINGING ]

SHERIFF, THERE'S A MOB

CONGREGATING-- OH, SH*T.

OH, HEY BURT.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M DOIN' VERY WELL.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

I'M-- I'M GREAT.

HOW CAN I HELP YA?

IS THE SHERIFF AROUND?

I'M ACTING SHERIFF TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S MIGHTY CUTE

OF YOU, BUT WE'RE GONNA NEED

THE SHERIFF ON THIS ONE.

THERE'S A MOB GATHERING JUS OUTSIDE OF THIS BUILDING.

IT'S, LIKE, A LARGE

GROUP OF PEOPLE.

OKAY, WELL, THE SHERIFF

ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.

I CAN HELP.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY

HOW TO EXPLAIN IT, BUT THERE IS

A-- THERE IS A, UH--

LET ME GUESS, A SCARECROW.

WELL, YES.

IT'S EITHER THAT, OR AN

AMBULATORY SACK OF HAY

MADE BY A WIZARD.

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