Revenge of the Bridesmaids Page #5

Here.

Here? You missed the wedding?

I'll apologize to Honor later.

Forget Honor. What's going on?

Rory.

You didn't say a word.

You just let me walk into a room full

of girls you'd had sex with.

Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry.

You only had sex with two of them.

One you just "fooled around

with," whatever that means.

She spared me the exact parameters of the

fooling around. You want to fill me in?

Rory.

You know what? Never mind.

I've got a good imagination.

I can figure it out.

Okay, look.

I can't believe it-- you didn't just cheat

on me, you really cheated on me.

I didn't cheat on you.

Oh, so you didn't sleep with--

No, I did, but we were broken up.

No, you were broken up, not me.

I thought we were just taking some time.

Apart, not seeing each other.

Yes, taking some time,

not seeing each other for a while.

That doesn't mean "broken up."

Oh, come on.

No! To break up,

you have to tell the other person.

You can't just decide that you're broken

off and then just go off and...

God, I can't believe I fell for

all your stupid tricks--

the coffee cart and going to my mother.

You went to my mother.

Why would you bother going through that?

You had plenty of backup.

What do you need me for?

Because I love you.

No. Don't.

Rory, I didn't cheat on you.

I didn't lie to you.

You didn't tell me.

Of course not. Why would I want you

to be hurt and upset and angry?

"Blondie, dizzy"--

I love the cover, pretending all those

girls were worthless idiots.

They are worthless idiots, shooting their

mouths off in front of you like that.

It's not their fault.

It is their fault.

They love doing crap like this,

causing trouble.

We were only apart for like two seconds,

and you managed to sleep with every

one of your sister's friends.

How did you even do that?

I mean, did you work them in shifts?

Were there charts, signals, b-12 shots?

I was depressed. I was lonely. I was upset.

I've known these girls forever.

It was just companionship, okay?

It meant nothing.

Don't be at the apartment between 10:00 and

1:
00 tomorrow so I can get my stuff.

What?

You're disgusting,

and you're cheating on your juice diet.

I didn't cheat.

I expanded the definition of "juice."

I feel dirty.

Hey.

We're out of food.

What?!

I have to talk to you a sec.

I went to a Bat Mitzvah last night.

Mazel tov. You want some more coffee?

What the hell.

I talked to the guys.

I know you ripped my flyer down.

What?

My "drummer wanted" flyer at Sophie's,

it was ripped down.

And Lou said he saw you do it. I just want

you to know that I think that sucks.

Well, "A," Lou's a fathead, and, two,

I had my reasons.

Come on, Lane, stop. I have to talk to you.

About what?

What do you have to talk to me about, Zach?

I have to talk to you about how it's

all feeling wrong, you know.

I tried to write a song about it, and I was

gonna bring my amp and play it for you.

But it was coming out way too emo,

so I decided to just say it.

I get up in the morning

and I don't feel good.

I go to work and I don't feel good.

I come home and I don't feel good.

I brush my teeth and I don't feel good.

Then I go to bed and I don't feel good.

Then I wake up and I don't feel good.

And then I go to work and I don't feel good.

You don't feel good! We get it! Go on!

Hey, is something burning down here?

Luke, shh!

Okay, sorry.

Go on.

Right.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Lane, will you marry me?

What?

Will you marry me?

But... do you even know what you're saying?

I mean, have you even thought about this?

Oh, my god, you have thought about this.

I got it at the pawn shop.

It belonged to like an elk

or a moose or something.

But it looked cool, and I could afford it,

so I got it.

You're smiling.

I know.

Does this mean yes?

Yes. It means yes.

Really?

Cool.

For God's sakes, kiss him, sugar!

Yeah, kiss him, sugar!

So... I should get back to work.

It's okay. I wasn't thinking the ceremony

should be today or anything.

I'm off at 8:
00.

I'll swing by.

I'm getting married.

I heard.

Hey.

Hi, Mary Poppins.

Sorry, the place is a mess.

It's okay. I left my white gloves at home.

So, how'd it go with you today?

Great. I got everything done.

It was actually nice spending

some time with my mom.

Good.

So, what-- you lose my kid?

Should I call the milk carton people?

Oh, she's asleep in Rory's room.

She's all tuckered out, huh?

Yeah, either that or she knocked herself out.

She was throwing books around Rory's room.

What do you mean?

Well, when she was done drawing on the floor

and pouring chocolate milk on Paul Anka,

then she took to throwing

books around for a while.

This was before the spitting

and the furniture kicking

and the grand finale where she pulled

all the sheets off the bed

and tried to flush them down the toilet.

You're kidding.

Oh, I'm really not.

Well, she's a spirited kid.

Spirited, possessed. Potato, po-tah-to.

3-year-olds can be a lot to handle.

If you're not used it,

I'm sure it can be overwhelming.

Oh, no, no,

this wasn't 3-year-old hard-to-handle.

This was feral hyena hard-to-handle.

So, you guys didn't click.

Chris, this is not about clicking.

This is about spoiled.

Spoiled?

Yes, G.G. has clearly never heard

the word "no" in her entire life.

She's heard the word "no."

Well, at no time did me saying "no" elicit

anything other than a scream.

I said,

"no coloring on the floor"-- she screamed.

I said,

"no pulling Paul Anka's tail"-- she screamed.

I tried discussing Japanese noh

theater with her. She screamed.

So what?

I'm not saying it's her fault.

I'm just saying I think you could

apply a little more discipline.

She's a kid. Kids are hard.

Yeah, I know kids.

I raised one, okay?

Kids are different today.

It's a different world.

They need more nurturing, more space.

I'm sorry. Uh, yes, that was

Dr. Spock turning over in his grave.

We're going.

Come on, Chris. It isn't just me.

Those preschool interviews?

Those people don't know what

they're talking about.

And the nanny?

Is a flake.

You know, giving G.G. whatever she wants

isn't gonna make up for Sherry being

a crappy mom and bailing.

You know what?

I've had enough of your advice and your help.

Hit me, barkeep.

That's your third one.

What are you, my mother?

No.

No, you're not.

I'm not driving, and I live right over...

there, or somewhere near there.

Or there.

But it's close, and I'm walking,

and I want another drink.

Okay.

Hey!

These are mine.

I was just gonna get them out of your way.

Don't take what's mine.

These came with my drinks.

He put them down in front of me.

I did not ask you to move them, did I?

Whatever.

Snappy comeback.

Dorothy Parker know about you?

Sick of people touching my stuff.

Here you go.

Eat something.

You eat something.

Well, hello, Rory. Fancy meeting you here.

Hi, Doyle.

I didn't see you sitting here,

or I would've come over sooner.

I've been here a while.

I've been mixing beer and

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