Richard Pryor: Live in Concert Page #7

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You used your fists and sh*t.

Now, they got that kung Fu

and karate and sh*t,

They like to pluck your eye out

And pull your arm out

of the socket and sh*t.

There arent no fun in them.

See, you go out there

with that old fashioned sh*t,

They just kick you in the nuts.

You'll be come on, jack.

They said, clip.

Oh, boy.

No, no, Ive had enough, no.

You win, you win.

Oh, oh, oopsy daisy.

Okay.

No, Im fine.

Just trying to find my balls.

Two, there was two of them,

There's two.

Here's one here.

No, no, Ill just put it

in my pocket, thank you.

But if you see the other one,

would you mail it to me.

See it around, just...

but you got to stay

in shape, right,

Because you never

can tell, jack.

You ought to swim or something.

I can't swim, myself, you know.

My kids swim their ass off.

We got a pool, I can't swim.

I'm in the shallow part,

I'll be pitching a b*tch

in the shallow part.

Don't nobody push me, jack.

One time I was playing

with my kids

And forgot what I was doing,

And f***ed around

and jumped off in the deep end.

And that water bring

your memory back... like that.

I didn't even get a chance

to get mother.

And my mind,

all your mind says

When you think you're drowning

in the pool,

Your mind say,

get to the edge!

Get your ass to the edge!

And I was swimming my ass off

in one spot.

I was going no place.

And my kids

was watching me, right.

And my kids think

everything I do is funny.

They were saying,

Look at daddy

drowning, ha ha ha!

Daddy, you're so funny!

Say, kick your legs, daddy,

kick your legs!

I'm saying,

Im going to kick your ass

If you don't help me out

of this mother f***er.

And my kids get away with sh*t

I never could get away with,

Because I can't bring myself

like just to beat them up,

You know, like being

parent.

You know, that kind

of standard parent sh*t

Like my family did.

Because I don't want

to f*** my kids up

Like Im f***ed up.

So I just talk to them,

you know,

I'll say get the f***

out of my face.

You know, just leave me

the f*** alone,

I don't want to hear this sh*t.

You know don't respect yourself,

I know you don't respect me,

Now f*** you.

About an hour later

they come to my room, though.

I'm sorry.

I f***ed up.

I say, that's right,

and don't do it no more,

Cause I don't want

to have to get on your ass.

Oh, daddy, it's okay.

My kids, boy,

when they lie though,

That's the thing

that I love the most,

When they be trying

to tell them lies

And you know

they're lying, right.

You say, um,

who broke this?

Huh?

I said, who broke this?

Okay.

I'm going to tell you, okay?

First, okay, Im going to tell you.

First, first

I was in here, right.

Uh-Uh.

First I was... I was...

I was in the kitchen, okay.

Uh-Huh.

Then... then...

then when I was in the kitchen,

do you know what happened?

You don't know what happened?

I'm going to tell you, okay.

Then I was... I was

in the kitchen, okay.

Then, I was...

I was running in here...

I was really running,

Because you remember when

you told me not to run, uh-Huh.

So, I was really

running, running.

But it was kind of like

I was running.

My legs was moving real fast,

it looked like I was running,

But I was really running,

un-Un.

And I was in here then

when that thing,

That thing was already broke.

Uh-Huh.

That was broke even before

I was born.

And when that door

almost fell back like that,

And it broke and it fell down

and it broke.

That's what happened.

I need some water.

F*** you.

Can you... can you turn

the lights up just for a moment.

Just for a second.

Shut the f*** up.

Turn the house lights up,

house people.

Lighters, just for a minute,

just for a second.

Thank you.

I'd like to introduce you

to someone,

Ladies and gentlemen,

Huey p. Newton.

Stand up, Huey.

Thank you for coming.

Turn the lights down now.

Turn the mother f***ers down.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for coming, Huey.

I'm happy that you're here.

Now, what... shut the what,

mother f***er?

What, you done stood up

and you crazy

You got a jacket on and

it's hot in this mother f***er.

So, Im definitely

going to speak to you,

What is it?

Rank those Mexicans?

You got it...

about the Mexicans?

You want me to rank

the Mexicans?

You all are in worse trouble

than n*ggers.

You all get to pass for white,

And I can't be f***ing

with you all.

That's no, it's no fun

picking on Mexicans,

You guys got a country.

And the Chinese, too.

The Chinese,

the Chinese people here,

You better watch out,

I'll sic them on your ass.

There's a billion Chinese,

arent but 40 Mexicans.

That's a lot of people, right,

a billion people.

Jesus Christ.

Somebody in china

doing some serious f***ing.

They f*** quick, too, right.

I was in Chinatown, right,

We went to Chinatown

about five months ago,

I heard the funniest sh*t

Id ever heard in my life,

Was a Chinese person

that stuttered.

I swear.

This dude was really

stuttering in Chinese.

Talking about.

And his friends

was getting mad at him,

Trying to help his ass, right.

Going.

He was still going

You go to Chinatown,

They get mad if you don't eat

all the food, right.

You go, uh, man,

can I have the check please.

They say, you got

two more dishes.

Man, I can't eat

no more of this sh*t.

Say, you order sh*t,

you eat sh*t.

Who do you think you are,

buster brown?

And they bring you a bill,

don't they.

You ever see them bills,

say $48.50 for what?

Then they get smooth

on your ass, right.

Guy says, you had

the two lobster,

And chop suey.

And if you really

don't understand,

They send that stuttering

mother f***er over there

To explain it to you.

You just end up throwing

your money down and say,

Here, mother f***er,

take what you want.

Just shut the f*** up

before you die.

But a billion people,

There has to be

making love in china.

See, they arent like

black people in china.

See, they f*** quick

and get it over with.

Black people try

to stay in the p*ssy

Three and four days, right.

Be inventing new ways

to f***, right.

Just take your leg, baby,

wait a minute, move your arm.

Here, put your...

put your p*ssy

on this ladder, right.

Now just move around, yeah.

Now hold it, yeah, sh*t,

there it is, mm-Hmm.

There, goddamn,

don't you move now.

Yeah. Mm-Hmm.

And I just found out

some time ago

That sometimes women

don't have orgasms.

And that f***ed me up.

No, cause I just knew

I was doing

Some serious f***ing, right.

I'm talking about

Where you get the hump in

your back and sh*t, you know.

Get all ugly in the face,

you be.

Toes be talking about

And you go,

how was it, baby?

The woman go.

You say, you say.

Well, what the f*** is,

Well, I didn't come.

Well, sh*t, I did.

Well, what about me?

Say, what about you?

Sh*t, I got mine, get yours.

Sh*t, I arent got no time

to be sensitive,

Cause Im macho man.

I don't give a damn

if you come or not,

I'm macho man.

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