Ripped Page #3

still have this thing.

Look at you, all

businesswoman-like.

Like a professional.

You look great.

Thanks.

Um, the house is locked,

but if you want to clean

up, you can use the

rinse-off shower on the side.

Good, thank you. We need that.

Debbie, I was in your back

yard last night, and I was

wondering, where'd you get this

really cool stormtrooper boot?

Man what the hell is that?

It's a stormtrooper boot.

Who stuck wheels

in an ice skate?

W-when were you

in my back yard?

I had to take a sh*t last

night and I didn't want

your neighbors all

in my business.

That's very

considerate of you.

That is a Rollerblade and

it belongs to my son.

We have a son?

No, no we, you, we don't

have a son.

No.

Wait...

How old is he?

He's fifteen.

He was at his

dad's last night.

Wait, you f***ed

somebody else?

Yeah, I did.

Debbie's f***in'!

I-i did.

And when am i

gonna meet him?

Uh, let's hold off

on that for now.

Why, is he ugly?

We're not going to laugh.

Oh my god, is he a retard?

Okay, it's because of

comments like that that we

are gonna hold off.

And it's because

of all of this!

I mean, you know, I don't

want people in his life

that are not going to

be a good role model.

Good role model?

We're not good

role models?

I'm sorry, I didn't

mean it like that.

-Hmm.

-Oh, hmm.

-Hmm!

-Well, maybe I did.

It's just...

You show up after

all these years.

Y-you're looking homeless,

you smell like I can't

even describe, and you're

sleeping in a Van.

Oh, but we got our

phat gold chains.

Shell toes.

We good.

Brad's at a very

impressionable age right now.

You named him Brad?

Anything that I'm saying

is just sounding terrible

and rude and I'm sorry.

I'm going to go

to work right now.

I'm going to go, okay?

I'm going to go.

Might be time for you guys

to start seeing other people.

Apparently she's been

seeing other people.

Guess what I'm seeing.

I thought you

finished all the weed.

I did.

But I found this on

Debbie's back porch.

Okay, now that we look

less homeless, what do we do?

Well, we're gonna stop telling

people what really happened.

Truck stop guy, tow

truck dude, Debbie...

They all said we

sounded crazy.

Sh*t, I was there and

i don't believe it.

Here's what we do.

We drop the story, we

accept our situation, and

we go back to what

we were going to do.

You mean start

our business?

Sell coffee out of my Van?

Yeah.

Think about it, with

inflation, we could be

like making two

bucks a cup.

For coffee?

You sound crazy

as sh*t right now.

We'll call it two

buck a cuppa coffee.

You guys here

to fix the satellite?

The f***'s a satellite?

What are we,

f***in' astronauts?

What do you mean

"satellite?"

Who the f*** are you?

My name's Brad.

I f***in' live here.

We're friends of Debbie's.

Uh, Debbie? You mean my mother?

Oh sh*t!

That's Debbie's kid.

Debbie's been f***in'!

That's her receipt!

Uh, yeah, listen, my mom's

friends don't smoke, so...

You don't know

your mom's friends.

That's my f***in'

bag of joints, man!

What the f***?

F*** man you

smoking my weed man?

Jesus, guys you

smoked half my stash.

Oh relax, we'll

buy you more.

Call your dealer.

My dealer?

When's the last time

you bought weed?

Where do you get it from?

You just buy it.

You just walk into

7-11 and go buy weed?

Yeah, can me get some

chips, some soda, oh, and

some weed please?

Wait, you guys know

weed's legal now, right?

Wait, what?

I don't know why we need

this doctor to get pot

from a store.

Well, if you have a

prescription, they give

a discount, so...

Ahh.

That's a good deal.

Part of the discount.

It is my birthday.

Happy birthday.

See, yeah. I

told you I'd hook you up.

Hello nurse!

I am not the nurse.

I am Dr. gales.

Well with a body like

that, you ought to be a nurse.

Um, you don't have to

take your shirt off...

Well, I've taken my shirt

off for uglier girls,

so it's not a problem.

Um, I assume that you're having

trouble sleeping at night?

No, I sleep all

through the night.

You look like you're in

a lot of chronic pain.

No, but I do have an itch

you can scr-

-atch.

Mr. Cornell.

Reeves.

I can't write you a

prescription for medical

marijuana unless there's

an actual need, do you

understand?

Right.

Mm.

Do you like Italian?

You're under a lot of

pressure aren't you?

Right.

And you need something

to help calm you down.

Right!

Back hurts?

-Right!

-Can't sleep at night?

-Yeah!

-Constant migraines?

Yes, listen.

You take your shirt off,

I'm going to take my shirt

off, and we gonna

start f***in'.

I am not a prostitute.

I didn't call

you a prostitute.

Okay.

Let's just say you gave

me a little medical

rubba-dub-dub.

You know like a medical

rub in a medical way?

Non-prostitute, but just

medically induced rub.

-Just a, you know...

-In a non-prostitute way?

In a non-prostitute

way. Just a...

-Oh? Oh?

-Yes.

Okay.

-Why didn't you say so?

-I was trying to...

Stand up.

Ooh.

Somebody's gonna be...

-Alright...

-Turn around.

Turn around!

Oh, no, and then stop.

-Oh.

-Like right there.

Right there.

-And uh...

-Like this?

Why don't you, uh,

drop your pants, huh?

Oh, the old reach around.

-Dropping the...

-Pants...

Can you back that up?

Mhmm, just gotta

help you out there.

Bend over.

Kind of rough

there, aren't you?

Welcome to home de-pot.

How can I help

medicate you.

We'll take it all.

You can't have it all.

What type of cannabis

are you looking for?

Cannabis?

F*** that, we want weed!

At a discount...

Oh baby.

Roll-a-bowls.

They are indestructible,

they are foldable, they

are portable.

Dishwasher safe.

Yeah?

-Just, we'll put that in there.

-Mhmm.

Got dick's elixirs

over there.

All different flavors.

Do these all have

weed in them?

Duh.

I think we're gonna

need a bigger basket.

It's about time

you guys showed up.

What are you drinking?

Oh, it's a mocha

vanilla latte.

-What?

-What's that?

It's coffee.

That's a coffee?

Where'd you get it?

From Starbucks. Hello?

Those Starbuck places

i see on every corner?

They just sell coffee?

Yeah.

Debbie's

dad stole our idea!

What the f*** are you

guys talking about?

God damn coffee thief!

I never trusted

her father.

I mean, I only known him

for two minutes, but them

two minutes, i

never trusted him.

I can't believe he stole

our business plan!

Took us f***ing years to

come up with that sh*t!

"Like a son?"

What the f*** you

mean "like a son?"

I was your son!

This is so strange.

I know.

I never thought I'd

live to see the day!

Hey!

It's bad to smoke

cigarettes.

You scared the

sh*t out of us.

It's not a cigarette.

It's a joint.

Marijuana.

Ganja, you know mon.

It's still smoking!

Well, it's our business,

and those are our

tombstones.

What are you, the

cemetery police?

Okay, get the f*** out of here.

We're grown.

And we're grieving.

What are you guys, ghosts?

Look here, I don't know if

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