Robin Hood: Men In Tights Page #5

underneath that cape?

Practically nothing.

Oh, except that.

I forgot to tell you about

my chastity belt. It's an Everlast.

I'll bet.

Oh, darling...

...don't despair...

...for it is written on a scroll:

"One day, he who is destined

for me...

...shall be endowed

with the magical key...

...that will bring an end to my...

...virginity."

Oh, Marian...

...if only t'were me.

Oh, if it t'were you, t'would be...

...t'werrific.

No ding-ding without the wedding ring.

Goodbye, my dearest.

Toodle-loo!

- Time-out! Time-out!

- What is wrong?

I should have never worn these shoes.

They just don't match my purse.

Blinkin, fix your b*obs.

You look like a bleeding Picasso.

Goodness gracious!

Peanuts!

Peanut power here!

Poor man's lunch there!

Shell game here!

The Royal Archery Contest

is about to begin!

Archers, take your places!

Are we...

...prepared?

Sire.

Oh, it's good.

It's good.

Archers...

...to the line!

Ready...

...aim...

...wait for it...

...fire!

The two archers that hit

the bull's-eye can stay!

The rest of you gentlemen...

...can bugger off!

There he is!

The old man is Loxley!

Are you sure?

It looks like Mark Twain.

The old man may go first!

Well done...

...Robin of Loxley!

He's crazy! We gotta stop him!

Sorry, ladies,

this is the royal entrance.

You'll have to go around

the other way.

Look what you've done, you idiot!

Now he's even more of a hero

to the people.

Luca Pazzo still has a shot.

But he hit the very centre

of the bull's-eye!

Schmuck!

Wait and watch, sire.

He split Robin's arrow in twain!

Things are looking up.

Nice shot!

Robin's in trouble! Shove off!

I lost.

I lost?

I'm not supposed to lose.

Let me see the script.

Robin, time to fly.

Go back to Sherwood Forest!

Oh, good.

They've opened the salad bar.

Wait!

I get another shot!

He gets another shot!

Does Robin get another shot?

Yes, he does. He does.

Sires and ladies, silence! Listen!

Robin has another shot.

Let's give him the chop.

Quick! Eliminate him

before he shoots!

How did you do that?

I heard that coming a mile away.

- Very good, Blinkin. Well done.

- Pardon? Who's talking?

"Patriot arrow"?

Arrest him!

Move it! Move it! Out of the way!

Loxley is a traitor to the Crown!

lt'll be so much fun

to watch you hang!

Wait!

What for?

If you let Robin live, I'll do the

most disgusting thing I can think of.

And what's that?

I shall marry you.

What?

You'll be mine? You'll give

yourself to me every night?

And sometimes right after lunch?

Yes.

But only my body.

You can never have my heart,

my mind, or my soul.

Oh, yes. I respect that.

Marian, my life's not worth it!

Just say nay!

Walk this way.

Send word to one and all

and all and one...

That's redundant, isn't it?

- What?

- Shut up!

Tell everybody that before the day

is out, we shall have a wedding...

...or a hanging.

Either way, we ought to

have a lot of fun.

We are grossly outnumbered.

So what can we do?

We gotta get the villagers.

- They're not ready to fight.

- Man, we are choiceless!

What's the fastest way

to reach the villagers?

Why don't we fox them?

- Fox them.

- Fox them.

Fox them!

Take this message to the village

as fast as you can.

Now pay attention. Have you got it?

Good.

Let's get out of this ladies'

clothing, get into our tights.

Come on, man. There you go.

Are you about...

...a 16, 16-1 l2?

- There.

- It's a little tight.

That's the idea!

Would you care for a blindfold?

How about half a one?

Get it, sir?

Sorry.

Good morrow, abbot.

- Welcome, abbot.

- Good morrow.

- Hello, abbot.

- Good morrow.

Hey, Abbott!

I hate that guy.

She's beautiful!

Present swords!

What's going on?

Just in case you change

your mind, my dear.

I will conduct the opening prayer

in the new Latin.

"Oh, ordl-ay...

...iveusg-ay oury-ay essingsbl-ay.

Amen-ay."

We are gathered here today...

...to witness the marriage

of Mervyn, the Sheriff of...

Mervyn?

Your name is Mervyn?

Shut up! Shut up!

Continue with the service.

Do you...

...Sheriff of Rottingham...

...take Maid Marian

to be your lawful wedded wife?

To love and to hold

in sickness and in health...

...till death do you part?

- Yes, I do. Get on with it!

Marian, do you vow to do

all the stuff I just said to him?

Say, "I do"...

...or Robin dies.

I...

I...

...do...

...not!

- Who's the man? Who's the man?

- Go!

Arrest them! Seize them!

Stop them!

Hurt them! Hurt them!

Look! The villagers are coming!

I believe this belongs to you, sir.

You know what they say...

..."No noose is good noose."

Nice shooting.

To tell you the truth,

I was aiming for the hangman.

Fellas...

...we got company.

On the count of jump...!

Wait for it...

Charge!

Jump!

I shall have you, married or no!

The Sheriff,

he got your woman, man!

He's taking her to the tower!

He's gonna deflower her in the tower!

I'm sorry we don't have enough time

for romance, my dear.

Consider this foreplay!

A chastity belt?

That's going to chafe my willy.

I'll be back.

I hope she's still wearing

her iron underwear.

No matter what you do...

...I will never submit.

Prepare for the fight scene.

Forgive the interruption, my darling.

I'll dispatch your love...

...and then come back...

...and finish the job.

- En garde!

- Thanks for the warning.

Shocking!

Parry, parry.

Thrust, thrust.

Good!

Oh, sorry.

It is the key to the greatest

treasure in all the land!

This means you've always been my one

true love because it's the right size!

It's not the size that counts!

It's how you use it!

Thank you, my friend.

Oh, it's...

...not so bad.

I was wrong.

Oh, my dear, beloved

Sheriff of Rottingham!

You've been run through!

How do you feel?

I'm dying, you fool!

- You don't have to die!

- I don't?

I've got this magic pill...

...that could save your life.

And I'll give it to you...

...if you promise to marry me...

...and be mine forever!

Oh, all right!

How do you feel now?

Good, good.

Surprisingly good.

And yet, somehow...

...incredibly depressed.

I always wanted to marry a cop.

Wait! Wait!

I've changed my mind!

I love you, Robin of Loxley.

And I you, Marian of Bagelle.

Oh, my darling...

...at last.

Wait, wait!

You're not married yet!

Before you do it,

you must go through it!

Or else I blew it.

Hey, rabbi!

Who calls?

It is I, Robin.

We wish to get married...

...in a hurry.

"Married in a hurry"?

That's wonderful!

Wait, I'm on my last customer.

I'll be right out.

Put a little ice on it.

It'll be fine.

Married in a hurry!

Please invite me to the bris.

Now, are you ready?

Robin, do you?

I do.

- Marian, do you?

- I do.

I now pronounce you man and...

I object!

Who asked?

It's King Richard,

back from the Crusades!

Boy, now I'm in trouble.

You are no longer worthy to wear...

...this sacred symbol of authority.

Oh, please have mercy on me, brother.

It wasn't my fault.

I got bad advice from Rottingham.

Bullshit! Bullshit!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes