Robodoc Page #4

what he thinks?

I need to analyze a urine sample.

- By all means.

- Thank you.

I'd hate to be here when

he analyzes a stool sample.

Mr. Malaka has tricinyphlis.

Yeah, what's that?

That's an incredibly rare disease.

You can only get it by having sex with pigs.

That's crazy. Absolutely crazy.

I mean, this mechanical moron

must have blown a circuit board.

Tricinyphlis.

There's only been ever

five confirmed cases.

Six.

How disgusting. Not even in my country

do we have sex with pigs.

Sheeps, yes, goats, yes.

Pigs? Never.

See, to you, this may look

like an inflamed gall bladder,

but to me, this is payment

on my country club membership.

Oh! Three-pointer.

Doctor Callaby, there's

a very important call for you.

Well, it better be very important.

This man's aneurysm's about to burst.

Don't move a muscle.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Jake! Jake,

where have you been?

Where have I been?

Where have I been?

I was in court.

Defending the rights of the downtrodden,

hard-working little people.

Damn, this coffee's hot!

I almost burned my tongue.

What are you trying to do to me?

So, you got another

malpractice case for me?

No! That's the problem.

We got this new robotic doctor thingy

here at the hospital.

It never makes a mistake.

Robo... Doctor?

Keep an eye on that tin can.

Study it. It's our next meal ticket.

It must have a weakness.

But it knows everything.

You figure out a way

for me to sue that robot

or my next malpractice case

will be against you.

Jake, you don't mean that.

Jake?

Jakey?

Jake?

I'm afraid her breasts were so small

we had to put them on life support.

- Do you mean...

- Yes.

We had to put her on a "breast-perator."

What are her chances?

Not very good.

Unless we can find her

a pair of donor breasts.

I know, I know.

I lost my college girlfriend the same way.

Doctor! Doctor! Great news!

A busload of strippers

just went over a cliff,

we have a cooler full of donor breasts.

That's incredible!

How do you suppose

something like that could have happened?

Oh, if I keep eating this food,

I'm going to need a doctor.

There's a hair in my sandwich.

This is disgusting.

I think the food is good, very good.

Really?

In my country, we don't

eat three meals a day.

We only eat on very special occasions.

Like when?

Like when we have food.

Hey guys, here comes dessert.

Hey.

Whaddya say you and me

get together some time?

Oh, I don't think I'm right for you.

If I remember correctly,

you like the strong, silent type.

I didn't do the mime.

Yeah.

Hey, Kim.

Hey, I just want to let you know,

I think you're an excellent nurse.

Aw, thanks.

But complimenting me

on my professionalism

is not going to get you into my pants.

Oh, then what will?

Come on, Doc, give it to me straight,

I can take it.

You are going to die.

Oh my God, how long have I got?

According to my calculations,

you have two months,

three weeks, six days, 18 hours,

Eight, seven, six, five...

Is there any hope?

No.

Will there be much pain?

Oh yes, very much so.

Unbearable.

Oh! What should I do, Doc?

Write a will. Buy a nice suit.

Roboshock.

Can I speak to you for a moment?

Certainly, chief. Have a nice day.

Look, I don't mean to be overly critical,

but we've got to work

on your bedside manner.

What do you mean, chief?

I mean, you can't be

that direct and blunt with a patient.

Why not?

Because, it's just not...

Can you add anything here?

Well, I can't program in compassion, Doctor,

but I know he can learn from others.

Now there's a beautiful doll.

What's her name, sweetheart?

This is Donna, the "Stranger Danger" doll.

You're not a friend of mine, guy.

You're a pervert.

Get away from me!

Get away!

Charming.

Well,

I didn't know kids were still playing

cowboys and Indians anymore.

They're not. They're playing cow persons

and Native Americans.

Cute.

Look, the real reason I'm here is

RoboCrock, he needs

a lesson in compassion.

Evidently.

Would you be willing to teach him?

Well, someone has to.

I'll see what I can do.

Good. Then I'll leave him... it...

in your hands this afternoon.

Okay.

Let's go.

How can I explain compassion?

Compassion. It is a sympathetic

consciousness of another's distress,

together with the desire to alleviate it.

Very good.

For a moment there, I forgot I was talking

to a walking encyclopedia.

Simply stated, it's the

giving of aid and comfort.

For instance, look over there.

All of God's creatures need to eat.

Feeding them is an act of compassion.

And for that, I believe that nice woman

will be rewarded.

How do you know

so much about compassion?

I really don't know.

I guess I'd rather feel sorry for someone else

than feel sorry for myself.

I lost someone.

Someone really close to me.

He was killed in a car accident.

He was killed by a...

He was killed by a...

Drunk driver.

No, a cross-eyed driver.

So this is why you decided

to dedicate yourself

to curing cross-eyed kids.

It's the way I've chosen

to care about people.

I have over 500 trillion

gigabytes of memory

full of how to care for people.

I'm an expert in caring for people.

That may be true, but you need

to care about them as well.

If I'm not human,

how can I care about people?

You don't have to be

human to care about people.

Dolphins care about people,

dogs care about people,

cats... well, the point is that

people are insecure, frightened

fearful creatures.

They're not machines.

They need to be reassured

that everything's going to be okay.

Even if it isn't.

Everything is going to be okay.

Not convincing.

It wouldn't hurt if you smile or something.

- Smile?

- Yeah, smile.

Like this.

It's a start.

You know, as a doctor,

you may be perfect,

but as a human,

you've got a long way to go.

You have a deep laceration on your leg,

which has become secondarily infected.

Huh?

You are infected with

a flesh-eating bacteria,

and will require more extensive treatment.

Flesh-eating bacteria?

That sounds horrible.

It is not so bad.

All of God's creatures need to eat.

Yeah?

The bacteria need

to eat somebody's flesh.

And I admire your compassion

in letting them eat yours.

Of course, there is a chance

you may lose your leg.

A chance?

Like, a 10% chance?

No, like a 99% chance.

But, when you wake up,

you'll have a brand new leg.

It is not so bad having an artificial leg.

I've got two.

That's incredible.

Will I get one like that?

Not exactly.

My legs cost over $10 million each.

With your health plan,

your new leg will look more like...

...this.

The best part is

the bacteria will no longer

be able to eat your new leg.

Of course, you'll have to worry

about woodpeckers and termites.

But don't worry.

Everything will be okay.

I think we still have some work to do

in the compassion department.

Yeah.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Dr. Callaby, a Dr. Gorman

on the phone for you.

Uh, yes.

He's coming now.

Hello?

Callaby, where the hell

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