Rocket Science Page #3

Judge Pete?

Your Honor?

- Hm?

- Do you...

know any, uh,

do you know any lawyers...

great lawyers who

can't talk very well?

Not... not fluent,

but yet great lawyers

whose clients don't end

up getting the chair?

Uh...

Oh, there's a bailiff with

a prosthetic leg.

What are

you thinking, Laverne?

Hi.

I, uh... I talked

to Ms...

to Mrs...

which is it, anyway?

To... to uh...

to the coach,

and, um,

I'm... I'm... I'm gonna

come inside for debate prep now,

uh, thanks to you.

Someone took something

of mine.

I had a locket. I had

a 24-karat gold deco locket

with two pictures inside.

Is this ringing any bells?

One was of me, the other

was of someone else...

a boy, of sorts.

What's a...

a deco?

My mother believes that one

of her pseudo friends stole it,

because he, or even she,

is secretly a pedophile

and wanted the locket

to stare into or suck on

or utilize for other

specific erotic purposes.

But I told her that

I have this hunch...

I have this

womanly hunch

that it was taken out of my

backpack by someone at P.H.S.

It's like I sensed it leaving

my presence. Just an ounce...

but a burning ounce

as it left my person.

Well, I don't... I don't think

that the pedophile thing could be true.

Not that I, uh, even really

know anything about that.

But, I just don't

believe that anyone

would really think

of you like that.

Like what?

I mean, just, uh,

sexually, I mean.

That's the worst thing

anyone's ever said to me.

- Wait, no!

- I can't believe you said that.

No no, I didn't...

no...

I never should have

asked you to join the team.

God only knows

what I was thinking.

But, I didn't...

no...

Earl.

Thief.

- Yes?

- L...

here, I...

I stole it.

Shouldn't you be

at school?

- You took the locket, you weaselhead!

- Get out!

You left my theft box

a sh*t-faced mess.

Don't ever touch

the stuff I steal!

I mean it!

I steal it, it's mine!

You should put that on

your business card!

I'm gonna tan your hide,

you fake thief!

You God-awful

make-believe thief!

Judge Pete is gonna

lock you up.

Get your own

motherf'ing plan!

If you tell anyone

I stole it,

I'm going to wipe my ass with your

Chapstick,

and I'm gonna reach in your

eye sockets and tear out your pancreas.

I'm hiding my theft box

where you'll never find it.

This is ridiculous!

And stay out!

It's for you, Annabelle.

Uh...

uh, he... uh...

Is this the

Hefner mansion?

Um, uh, I...

yeah, uh,

can you... can you

hold on for a second?

I'm just gonna, um...

uh...

I'm just gonna move.

But stay on.

You can hang up now,

Earl.

You can hang up

now, Earl.

Oh, okay.

You're the boss of me.

The boy whose picture

I keep in the locket that you stole,

did you see him?

Uh, yeah, he...

His name's Ben Wekselbaum.

We debated together

until he freaked out at

the final round at States

and left me with a lousy

second-place trophy.

I've never felt

anything like that.

Have you ever felt like you

could burn the world down?

Every day.

Well, he dropped out

of high school

and though he never did

have the decency to call,

I heard through the grapevine

that his grandmother got him a job

at the world-renowned Louise

dry-cleaners in Trenton.

L... yeah, I don't think

that I've ever heard of it.

Right. Anyway,

ultimately it's a good thing

that the spirit of cowardliness

overtook Ben Wekselbaum,

because it has one: Left my

partner arrangement free this year,

and two:
Allowed me to find

someone that I can mold

into the kind of bare-knuckles

debater that I want to debate with.

The best debaters are

the ones with something to prove...

I, trying to rise above

the fiasco of last year's States,

and you trying to prove

to the world

that you're not as retarded

as you sometimes sound.

Which is why I want you to

overlook the embarrassment

that comes with having taken my locket

and join up with the team after all.

You're on dishes tonight,

Virginia.

I'm on an important

phone call, is what I'm on.

They're all important calls

in the world of Virginia Ryerson.

I have to go. I'll see you

at my house on Saturday.

- You're helping me with research.

- Yeah, oh, uh...

Ginny, are you...

are you still there?

Oh, I am, Katherine, yes,

and it's a good thing I am.

Earl!

If you think you're gonna

get a long-term girlfriend

without my permission,

you got another think coming.

You'll never sleep

safe again. Not ever.

Don't do it, little sh*t!

Don't do it!

Try not to steal

anything if you can.

Cut it out

and come inside.

Close the door

behind you.

Sit down. You're finding me

quotes in the affirmative.

So, uh...

what do... what do you believe in

when it comes to abstinence?

Top debaters never really

believe in anything.

It gets in the way of

arguing from both sides.

But I mean, like,

for you, like

in your own life.

Debate is life. You shouldn't

think about it in any other context.

Because in my mind, I don't...

I don't really think it's...

a very good idea.

Abstinence, I mean.

Because, um,

I just...

don't think it's

a very good idea,

not for kids

in New Jersey.

Okay, well, that's enough

tangential bullshit.

Write down these template

arguments against abstinence:

One, supporting it violates the

barrier between church and state;

Two, it's an enforcement

of a dated, sexist agenda;

Three, sexual freedom is

the basis of human freedom;

Four, it separates us from

Western cultures, Europe in particular,

when we should be drawing closer

to our international allies;

Five, psychologists say

that repressed sexual functions

can create adult neuroses;

Six, abstinence programs

actually increase

risky sexual behavior

among teens;

Seven, it creates barriers

between free- love-generation parents

and their more

conservative children;

Eight, and finally, we oppose

abstinence because the world might end

and then basically everyone

we know dies a virgin.

Wow.

Yeah, all those when

you think about it.

In preparation for our first official

debate exercise next week

show me that you can argue

in favor of abstinence.

Well, um...

I think I may be better arguing

from from the other side of this.

How.

Um...

the only one that I could...

that I could really...

that I could really

come up with was...

that, uh, love is...

it's more special

when you...

when you do find it.

The special-love case.

Probably that stinks,

but I'll think about it some more

and we'll see.

Dad says he and Mom have done

every one of these at least twice,

and some as many as

But he says no one's

keeping count,

which seems like

a big waste

'cause he could be the

Kama Sutra Barry Bonds or something

and no one would

even know it.

Yeah, I tried this one with my pants on

on Winchester, our old dog.

But he wouldn't sit still

and he died a month later.

Mmm, hot

and spicy.

Descartes.

Man, oh man.

Hey, would you be interested

in joining my club?

The Junior Philosophers.

Oh, uh,

well, I uh...

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