Rocket Science Page #4

I... my plate

is kind of full.

I know what

you're thinking.

We read everything,

but no Hagel,

if that's your concern.

No, uh, actually

I'm waiting for a girl.

That girl.

You know what you can

do for me right now

is write up

some more flow charts.

Oh, thanks.

Okay.

Once I was your age,

just as quiet on the inside

as most of you novice debaters are.

Quiet as a mouse.

Or a stone.

Or a bowl of pudding.

And then I saw my first debate

and the pudding was no more.

None of you novices

understands me now. You will.

Until then, the thing

to remember

is there are rules

that must be followed.

That's debate.

And that's life.

Our exercise today is an accelerated

run-through of a complete debate round

to teach you

those rules.

Why is the Hal Hefner

bowl of pudding

allowed to

demonstrate to us?

Uh, he's first year,

that's true, but Miss Ryerson

has assured me that

he's a quick study

and a rare talent, and he will

instruct and enlighten us today.

Our debate begins with

Ginny, the First Affirmative,

delivering an eight-minute

opening speech.

For our purposes, Ginny will

synopsize that down to 10 seconds.

Good afternoon,

ladies and germs.

Our Affirmative case today

in effect states

that increased

teenage pregnancies

will eventually bankrupt

Social Security, destroy the economy

and result in

the Third World War.

Therefore, we will quadruple the

federal spending given only to schools

that teach abstinence

to their students. Thank you.

That was lucid, thank you.

Now there's a two-minute

cross-examination,

Second Negative

to First Affirmative.

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg

is the Second Negative.

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg, would you

give us an exemplary question

that you would ask?

Have you ever heard

of Bangladesh?

The perfect tease.

Now the women may sit

while the First Negative rises

to respond to Ginny.

Phillip?

Rather than attack

the Affirmative case,

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg and I propose

the following Negative counterplan:

We grant all the harms

claimed by the Affirmative,

but state that the better way

to combat teenage pregnancy

is by pouring money into

a huge rock concert

that we'll call the

"Concert for Sexlessness. "

Thank you.

Now the First Affirmative

cross-examines the First Negative.

Do you have statistics on how many

rock stars practice abstinence?

How many rock stars in the historic

Concert for Bangladesh were Bangladeshi?

I'll ask the questions

here, Phillip.

The combatants

sit.

Now Hal Hefner wows us

with his Second Affirmative,

another eight-minute speech

boiled down here to 10 seconds.

Uh...

There were three immediate

lines of argumentation

that came to mind.

But the best one went like this:

The plans are not

mutually exclusive.

Increased funding for

school programs

doesn't preclude the

Negative team's badly named

"Concert for Sexlessness. "

The government can

and should do them both.

Uh, the...

Hal Hefner visualized

himself in that moment

as the kind of kid

who can state,

"The plans are not

mutually exclusive,"

whenever he wants

to say so.

The plans are not

mutually exclusive.

The plans are not...

no, they are...

they are not

mutually exclusive.

I'll be handling Hal Hefner's

cross-ex and rebuttal

until the first actual debate

tournament against other actual schools.

Until then, he will be my

silent partner. Hal Hefner, sit down.

Do you know what I sounded

like the first speech I gave

when I was your age?

Ben told me I sounded like

a Bob Dole impersonator.

I don't...

I'm not even really...

I'm not even quite sure

who that even is.

That was your first try,

your first of many.

And I don't even think

anybody really noticed.

It really... it wasn't

that big a...

So...

we should get back. Well, I

should get back and finish the round...

Resolved that

the federal government

should support the teaching

of abstinence in public schools.

Resolved!

The motherf'ing federal government

should support the teaching of

abstinence

in motherf'ing,

f***ing public schools!

Resolved!

Do you...

do you guys, um...

do you know how, um...

how... how

you, or one,

would take a relationship

to the next level?

I'm glad you came

to me, because...

this is exactly the sort of

problem that Mommy and Daddy

would royally screw up.

See, it's all about

having an agenda,

which they will

never tell you.

If you have a plan, like

"Today, I'm getting a blowj*b,"

it helps you to

realize it.

It's all

very scientific.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, I'm uh...

I'm... I'm... I'm

just a doubter

that giving me a... a BJ

is high on Ginny's list.

You're her partner,

right?

So you wait until

the moment is right.

Like after you crack a good...

a really good joke,

like the one that I crack

about the Queen of England,

and then ask.

It is totally worth the risk.

And you never know.

Once you've had a blowj*b,

you'd understand.

It's like...

it's like walking

through a brick wall.

You know, Ginny said that

I won't be her...

her, um, her real partner

for months.

And that until then,

I'm like...

the mascot.

The disfluent mascot.

The disfluent mascot who's

not getting a BJ.

Like the aardvark.

No, that...

that was a joke, Heston.

There is no... there isn't

a debate mascot.

I, for some reason, was convinced

it was an aardvark.

No.

C'est la vie.

Hey, uh,

can I...

I just...

What?

Oh, uh, I

just wanted...

I wanted to try, uh,

this joke out on you.

It's, well, uh... it's,

well, the delivery

is kind of tricky, so...

What happens is that

the Queen of England

goes onto this... this

television show, and...

Listen, I'm almost done

with this chapter.

It's Thomas Aquinas.

But if you continue telling

me that filthy joke,

I'm gonna put this book down

and punch you very hard.

You know, some... well,

someday you'll find love

and then... then everything

will be different.

Mas... mas...

uh, masturbation is a natural precursor

of adult sexual development

and it should be unfettered

in a child's learning.

Johnson, '98.

Her plans changed.

Virginia says to keep

on working hard

and she'll call you to let you know

when you should come on over.

Well, because the Hazlet

tournament is almost here, and...

Just keep on keeping on

and maybe she'll call you.

Hi, there.

Do you know... do you know

if Ginny Ryerson is okay?

Because she

canceled our time today

and we have a... we have

a big tournament coming up,

at Hazlet High School, and all

the major Jersey schools will be there.

And I... and, uh, she hasn't...

she hasn't really, uh,

told me what her strategy

is gonna be to help me

deal with my...

with my speech.

She got into a Lincoln

with that Indian guy.

- And you're back.

- Is Ginny all right?

Because Lewis Garrles

from across the street

said she got into a

Lincoln with an Indian man.

A boy, that's right.

- So, she... but she's fine?

- Fine.

You, could...

will you just tell her

that... that I'm done and over

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