Role Models Page #3

It's cold out here!

Jeez.

Martin, come on up here.

Let's do

a little dimostrazione.

This...

Ah!

Perfectly acceptable hug

between a Little and a Big.

Ooh, la la!

This is not.

Well, obviously we're not

supposed to butt-f*** these kids.

Well, it looks like

I'm out of handouts.

So why don't we take a little

break, get a cup of joe?

I know I'm gonna put

mine right in here.

And then when you come back, it'll

be time to meet... Drum roll, please.

...your Little!

I cannot wait

to meet mine.

I'm going to take

them to the zoo,

Because I heard

that the giant panda bear

has a little

baby panda bear,

and there's

just nothing cuter

than a little

baby panda bear...

Yeah, I can't do this.

Danny, stop.

We will get raped in jail.

Do you understand?

What's the point?

I mean, I've got

nothing to give a kid.

If you were a kid, would

you want to hang out with me?

Hey, do you want

to get raped?

Hello, gentlemen.

Hey.

You probably heard that

out of context. Excuse me?

When I asked my friend Danny

if he wanted to get raped.

I want you both to listen

to me, okay? And listen good.

I know why you're here,

so don't BS a BSer.

Okay? Your "presence"

here, court-ordered.

Why did you put

"presence" in quotes?

Are you implying

that we're not here?

You know, one call

to the judge from me,

and you are in the slammer,

like M.C. Hammer.

Did M.C. Hammer

go to prison?

Yes, he did.

Or he came

extremely close.

I'm certain he filed for bankruptcy,

so don't BS me right now, okay?

I don't understand.

How are we BSing you?

Exactly. I'm BS-proof.

Here's a couple

of time sheets.

You'll want your little buddies' parents

to sign them after each outing, okay?

And that way, I can use my BS

flyswatter to swat away the flies

that is your BS.

Okay? Any questions?

Hey, little Littles,

your Bigs are here!

Okay. That's good fun!

Danny, your Little is elsewhere.

Why don't you come with me?

Oh, man.

I've heard of popcorn in the

face, but this is ridiculous.

Brothers in arms,

follow me!

The evil King Argotron

has us cornered.

My fair lady Esplen,

Goddess of Navalore.

I fight for your honor.

You wish to kiss me?

There's precious

little time.

What the hell.

No! No. More later!

Now I must fight!

Your kid's name is Augie Farks, a

little older than most of the kids.

Oh.

Um, that...

I wasn't really 100% yet.

Don't judge me

by that move that...

I'm not gonna get

in trouble, right?

This is just... This is just soft foam

and duct tape. It can't harm anyone.

No worries, my liege.

Okay!

This is Danny. He wants

to be your new friend.

So I'm gonna let you guys

get to know each other,

and I'll fade into the mist.

How's it going?

That's a nice routine

you worked out.

I hope you weren't

planning on slaying me.

Wonderful.

Come on, Wheeler. Let's meet

your kid. His name's Ronnie.

He's one of our youngest.

Single mom, full-time job.

Signed him up about six weeks ago.

Matched him up with eight different Bigs.

No one's lasted

more than a day,

but I think you're perfect

because you're young, you're fun,

and you don't

wanna go to prison.

That's scary!

Oh!

And FYI, you're playing on

this girl's court now, okay?

So you're playing by her

rules. Are you the coach?

I am the coach. I'm the

coach, and I'm the point guard,

I'm the two forwards, the

center, and I'm the other guard.

I'm the entire

organization.

Hey, there, Ronnie. How you doing

today? Doing a little drawing?

That's cool.

I want you to meet

someone really special.

And I think you two dudes

are gonna become real homeys.

Ronnie, this is Anson.

Wheeler's good.

Whatever.

Hey, big guy.

What you doing here?

What up, Ronnie?

It's good to meet you.

What you

drawing there?

Oh. Beyonc.

She's smoking!

I don't want to

take my pants off!

What? Whoa, whoa!

All right, Ronnie.

That's enough.

This b*tch tried

to grab my joint!

Language, Ronnie!

My language is English!

And this motherf***er tried

to grab on my hang-down.

I got my own hang-down

to touch, kid.

Honky-ass wanted

a handful of my balls!

Honky? That's racist.

Well, I trust you two will work

this out. I'm not gonna micromanage.

Not my modus operandi.

I have no idea what I'm

gonna do with this kid.

Me, either. I bet if I suggested a game

of Quidditch, he'd come in his pants.

I've been talking to him for half

an hour. Kid's barely said a word.

Maybe we should just

go to jail. It's 30 days.

Whoa!

I don't know if this is some

kind of joke to you, Danny,

but I actually

like my life, okay?

Now, if I go to jail, I'm

gonna lose my job. Listen.

We go to prison, you're

never gonna get Beth back.

We come home after 30 days, she's

banging her boss. I guarantee it.

Really? She's gonna be

banging Patricia Feingold?

Her boss is a chick?

Oh, Jesus.

Danny, just listen, okay? We're

a team. All right? You and me.

We can do this. We just

got to stick together.

Fine.

Good.

So, what do you

do with kids?

Hey, kids! We Chip Monks just broke

our vow of silence, and we want to sing!

We are the monks

of chip monk Charlie's

We will give you food to eat

And once it's in our tummies

We will move

our chip monk feet

We are the butts

of Chip Monk ass

But we've got the ass...

Come on! Sit down!

All right?

Please. Danny.

I like Ronnie's

version better.

I like how it evokes

the concept of ass and butt.

Okay. Thanks.

Don't throw sh*t,

Ronnie. Come on.

How many hours

do we have left?

So, do you

like Coca-Cola?

I like the idea of it

more than I actually like it.

Ooh! They got

chicken fingers.

I'm gonna run a train

on these chicken fingers.

I'm just gonna be like...

Let me guess. You're not really rolling

with the ladies in school, are you, Augie?

Oh, no. I'm really good friends with

the school nurse. She's a divorce.

So, Aug, it's a pretty

interesting cape.

Are you like a

superhero or something?

Yeah, I wish.

No, this is... This is part

of my battle attire for Laire.

What the hell is Laire?

It's this fantasy world

where anything is possible.

One minute you could be

sparring with an elf,

and the next you could be battling

against a troll who wants nothing more

than just to steal your gold

and leave you penniless!

Sounds gay.

No, no.

There's girls there.

Girls can be gay.

If by gay you mean

the old English definition

of "fun, enjoyable and carefree,"

then, yes, it's extremely gay.

I think they meant

the other definition.

I know, but to understand it, you

really have to see it for yourself.

Okay.

Hey, pick us up

in two hours.

F*** you, Miss Daisy!

So, Augie, why do

they call it Laire?

It's Live Action Interactive

Role-playing Explorers.

We're all divided

into countries,

fighting a never-ending war

to control the realm.

Or until they have to clear

you out for soccer practice.

Oh!

Greetings, nobleman!

Any friend of Blufgan's

is a friend of Kuzzik,

fifth son of Leponius,

earl of Ringor.

Diana has put

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