Role Models Page #5

I'm disappointed. This

isn't gonna hurt anybody.

So, your parents... Wow.

Jim is not my dad.

Okay. Well, that's

probably good.

Hey, hey, Odeon. Make

way for King Argotron!

Dude.

Bow as your daughter does.

Xanthians.

Why bother?

Good one, sir.

Man, why do you

bow for that guy?

Because he's the king, and

he rules the entire realm.

He rules the entire realm?

Yeah.

My bad. Is that when he is or

isn't whacking it to The Sims?

You know, Augie, maybe you should

think about losing the cape.

At least in public.

People tend to avoid

people in capes.

I know that's not

the case here.

Look at these people.

I like these people.

No, I know.

But, you know, this isn't

reality. It's not the real world.

I know that, but in this

world, I don't have to be me.

I'm stuck again!

Well, looks like maybe one of

your people could use a hand.

Help! Help! Help!

Her, I don't like.

Okay. This is my place.

Sh*t hole.

Look, kid, you're obviously not

a big fan of me, and that's okay,

but I think there's

something to be gained

from us spending 139

more hours together.

Yeah.

You know, my dad left me

when I was young,

so I know it sucks,

but what doesn't kill us

makes us stronger, right?

Says the punk living

in the sh*t hole.

Who are these clowns?

Kiss?

You don't know who Kiss is?

No. Never heard of them.

They look like

idiots to me.

No, no, no, dude.

These are four of the

smartest guys who ever lived.

They're these Jewish guys

that grew up in New York,

and they put on guitars

and makeup to get girls,

and all of their songs

are about f***ing!

I'm listening.

Seriously, this song is called Love

Gun, and it's about Paul Stanley's dick

and how this girl's gonna

get some of his dick!

Cool.

I didn't know Jews

could sing like that.

No. No. They couldn't at the time.

That's why they had to dress like clowns.

This got them girls?

Get this! They've been getting

p*ssy nonstop for 30 years!

They're probably f***ing right

now, and they're old dudes!

They put makeup on,

and it's all good!

No sh*t?

You pull the trigger of my

Love gun

You see, Ronnie?

His dick is the gun!

Love gun

Love gun

Love gun

Okay, we logged 14

hours this weekend.

That's not gonna

be enough.

Somehow we gotta get them

on the weekdays, too.

Hey, we could pretend to be their

uncles, pull them out of school.

That just sounds

kind of creepy.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey! Sexy like a

chocolate strawberry.

What's her problem?

I don't know.

I mean, you laid that

genius line on her.

I can't believe she

didn't take your bait.

I know, right?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Bullshit

and Dr. I'm-full-of-sh*t.

In what way

are we full of sh*t?

Which one of us

has the Ph. D?

So how was your first

weekend with the boys?

It was great. We did 14 hours.

Will you sign our sheets?

Maybe give us a few more, just

for kicks? Round it up to 50?

Don't you sass me.

What, do you think I'm a pushover? You

know what I used to eat for breakfast?

Cocaine.

You know what I

used to eat for lunch?

Cocaine.

What'd you have for

dinner? Was it cocaine?

I will sign your sheets, but you need to

know I am not here to service your hours.

I'm here to service

these young boys.

Do you think I give a sh*t

if you guys go to prison?

I've been to prison. I have.

I've been to prison.

A prison of drugs, alcohol

and sick thoughts.

I used to have sick thoughts.

So don't you come in here,

preaching to me about hours

when you're standing over there,

and you're standing over there,

and I don't know

which way is up!

Um...

Should we come back?

We can come back.

Yeah.

Come here.

We're having an overnight camping

trip, Big Bear this weekend.

I suggest that you ask

your Littles to go with you.

Maybe worry a little bit about them

and not so much about your hours.

Overnight?

That's great. Sign us up.

And, fellas,

will you do me a favor?

Next time you

want to bullshit me,

bullshit each

other instead, okay?

See how that feels.

Okay.

Yep.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

All right.

I hate camping.

You could use a little

dose of the outdoors.

Camping blows. It's dirty, and

I don't like sleeping on rocks.

Bring some Ambien.

You'll sleep like a baby.

There's always a guy with an acoustic guitar

that doesn't quite know how to play it.

Kumbaya, my...

Wait. I know it.

Kumbaya

You know.

Wait. I know it. Wait.

Kumbaya, my Lord

No. Wait.

Oh, yeah, I got it.

This is it.

I think that's got it.

God damn it, Ronnie!

What? 'Cause I'm black,

you think I did it?

No, 'cause you did it

is why I think you did it.

Let me tell you something. I am

not your Big, and I'll hit you.

I will hit a child.

I've never done that before,

but I will punch you in the face.

Let's dance,

Ben Affleck!

Ronnie! Leave him alone.

Fine!

But I'm watching

you, Daredevil.

Looks like you guys

could use a hand up here.

Come on, man!

Just having some fun.

Let's take a hike.

Thank you.

Don't worry. Once the little ones are

asleep, I'll break out the PG stuff.

Kumbaya, huh?

You don't happen to

know any Wings, do you?

Wings? Yeah.

Love, take me down

to the streets

Yeah!

Man! She got some

boobies on her!

You sure do like

boobies, Ronnie.

I sure do.

Sometimes I call myself

the Booby Watcher.

Even got my own comic book.

Adventures of the Booby Watcher.

Okay. You know, I got

a theory about boobies.

Really?

Yeah.

You see, there are as many women

as there are men on this planet.

True that, true that.

And every woman has two

b*obs, for the most part.

So therefore, there's twice

as many b*obs as there are men.

We're outnumbered,

and it's overwhelming.

We're powerless.

We have to accept it.

I like your take

on boobies.

And I like boobies.

Kid, you got a lot to learn.

I know what I'm doing.

Really?

So you're aware that you've

committed one of the most

common rookie

boob-watching errors?

What you mean?

Never stare at

the boobies, kid.

Yeah, once you get caught,

the game's over.

But how?

It's called training.

You know, being aware

without drawing attention.

You don't think I've noticed the

setting up the tent

directly to the left of us?

How about those twin cannons hiking up

the mountain ridge 50 yards due west?

Or the ridge itself?

Round mounds of

grass shaped like...

Boobies!

Don't look over there.

Look here.

Yeah, focus.

You'll get it.

Too bad old Sweeny herself

couldn't come up here for this trip.

That would have

been fun, huh?

Yeah. A real blast.

Yeah, she probably just

had to hold down the fort.

You got a thing

for Sweeny, Martin?

Sweeney? Me? No. Now

that is a knee slapper.

Your erection is showing.

What?

You okay?

Nature.

Did you know that bald eagles are known

to engage in a bizarre mating ritual

where two eagles fly upwards,

lock talons,

then fall towards the earth

while rotating,

separating moments before

they crash into the ground,

if, and only if, they

consummate their bird f***?

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