Role Models Page #6
If they don't, they're willing
to accept death by hard ground.
It's the ultimate race
against the clock.
Why are you
telling me this?
Why would I not?
Hi, Danny.
I forgot to tell you,
they'll be telling
Ghost stories later.
You should stop by.
And as the barn door
creaked open, ever so slowly,
standing there with
the moon at his back
and holding the severed head of the
pediatrician's mother in his hand,
was Philip,
the pizza delivery boy
from when they ordered pizza
at the beginning of the story!
Come on, you guys!
All right. Whatever!
Hey, come here.
You guys
are unscareable.
Think you can do better? Who's
got a better story? Come on.
You guys are so smart. Who's
got a scarier story than me?
Yes?
So what's up?
I don't know.
What's up with you?
I know you're engaged.
I haven't forgotten.
Uh-huh.
So what's this?
Ooh.
Those are my testicles.
Yeah.
Listen, I have an
arrangement with my fianc.
I'm completely faithful to him within
the area codes of greater Los Angeles.
Out here, I'm just another
woman who's ready to cheat.
Give me two minutes.
How about you, Daniel?
You think you can top it?
It's Danny.
Oh.
Oh, Danny boy
Come on, man! We're on pins
and needles. Give us a story.
Okay, I've got a really
good horror story,
and it's particularly
terrifying because it's true.
Oh, a true story!
In countries all over the
world, including our own,
children, many
of them just like you,
are abducted and sold
into the world of
underground sex trafficking.
What is he saying?
Okay!
I'm gonna stop you there, Danny
boy. That is a scary story.
Story time is over! Everybody,
let's break into our groups.
Group A, come with me for
Martin's midnight mystery hike.
And group B, go with Duane.
What you got on tap, Duane?
We are gonna make some
s'mores using white chocolate.
Oh.
Well, I'm not sure I agree with
that, but to each their own.
Hey, hey, Danny.
Is this all your Ambien?
Yeah.
Okay, 'cause Connie
and I are gonna take some,
and then we're gonna stay up
as late as we can,
because if you fight
the urge to go to sleep,
things start to get all trippy,
and then we're gonna f***.
Connie who's engaged.
Oh, yeah.
You know what? Don't worry about
it. We'll make do with three each.
Fight it. Come on.
Stay awake.
You know, a lot of people don't
realize that bushes, just like flowers,
emit a wonderful aroma,
especially at night.
Who wants to sniff
this bush?
So Ronnie's out on
some kind of hike.
Where's Wheeler?
He's having sex
with a married lady.
Oh.
Are you sewing?
Yeah.
This is my country's
emblem.
Do you think we can speak
in private for a second?
Yeah. Yeah.
I already talked to Kuzzik
and Artonius,
and we would like to officially invite
you to be a soldier in the Xanthian army.
Well, that's very kind of you, but
I would like to respectfully decline.
I'm kind of a pacifist.
I don't really believe
in imaginary bloodshed.
But there's room in Laire
for all belief systems.
Even early barbaric
modalities have their place.
Augie, look, you're
a good kid. I like you,
but I'm not really into
the whole buddy-buddy,
let's-go-do-stuff-together
kind of thing.
Well, why are you here?
It's court-ordered.
What did you do?
I just had one of those days
where you wake up and say,
"Where did the last
I asked my girlfriend
to marry me out of impulse.
She dumped me.
And then I ran a truck that looks
like a bull into a statue of a horse.
I'm not here by choice
either, by the way.
No?
My guidance counselor
signed me up.
Really?
Yeah.
Said anyone who wears a cape and
has a sword should have more friends.
Whoop-dee-doo, right?
So both of us don't
want to be here.
No.
Well, we got that in common.
So do you have
a girlfriend?
No. What?
Why would you ask...
No, I don't have a girlfriend.
But what about that girl you're always
looking at, with the cap and the...
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Come on!
Don't bullshit me.
You're always
looking at her.
You mean Esplen,
the Goddess of Navalore?
I don't know. Probably.
Her name's Sarah.
Sarah.
Ah, Sarah.
You ever talk to her?
No.
I've killed her a couple of times in
battle, but that's not really anything.
Talk to her.
No, I can't talk to her.
Romance her. Give her that
patch of yours. She'll love it.
No, I can't give her this.
She'll be flattered!
Why not?
I made it for you.
You made that for me?
Yeah.
Great. Now I gotta do it.
Yeah, that kind
of was my plan.
That was so low, dude.
No. Come on, Connie.
Stay awake.
F***.
I gotta pee.
Yep.
Hey! Martin!
Okay.
What are you
doing out here?
I'm just doing my
perimeter check.
Hey, did you know that
dinosaurs are not extinct?
Because birds are dinosaurs,
and they're everywhere.
Okay!
Now, all right.
I gotta pee.
I really gotta pee.
Look at that.
Yo, Wheeler!
You in there?
Oh, my God.
Dude.
Nice, man.
Oh, boy.
This is a classic case
of guy on the ground.
I'm sorry.
I don't care.
Okay.
So I heard there was
some sex on the trip
and some drugs, too.
Only thing missing
was rock 'n' roll.
What was Danny doing
with those Ambiens?
He has trouble sleeping
outdoors.
How did Wheeler come to be
naked in the center of camp?
He was sleepwalking.
Danny ever offer you drugs?
Well...
Answer me.
No, ma'am.
Did Wheeler ever
expose himself to you?
Hell no!
Fellows? These young gentlemen
here have decided your fates.
If it was up to me, I'd lock you both
up, but the boys are saying you're okay.
This is your last chance.
Start acting like Bigs.
Thanks, guys.
Suck it, Reindeer Games!
I'm not Ben Affleck.
You white?
Then you Ben Affleck.
Right, Wheeler?
Yeah. You are white.
That's true,
I am white.
Let's go.
Ready to go?
Yeah. I'm ready. All right.
Excellent!
You are going down!
Don't you mess
with my dark arts.
You shall be slain.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
F*** my cock! Sorry.
I have a question, Wheeler. Yes, JJ.
How many dates do you have to go out
with a girl before you get to touch her...
B*obs?
Yeah.
Good question.
So you get
hit in the arm,
you lose your arm.
Yes.
You gotta put it behind
you, like this.
You get hit in the leg,
you lose the leg.
See you.
So you gotta hop.
You can't use it.
You gotta hop around?
Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta hop.
And if you get hit in
the chest, then you're...
Lifestyle you chose
could lead to dying sad and alone? What?
What about STDs? No.
Herpes?
Gonorrhea? At the very
least, crabs. What the hell?
I don't have crabs. What have
you been telling them, Ronnie?
You got crabs.
Hi.
Come on, whitey, dance! Break
it on down! Get it funky!
He's out.
Thank you.
Yep.
Call her. Sweep
her off her feet.
It's not that easy, Augie.
Just let her know
how you feel.
Give her one call.
All right. I'II...
Just get off my back.
Did you know in
the 14th century that
knights used to write love songs
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"Role Models" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/role_models_17110>.
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