Role Models Page #6

If they don't, they're willing

to accept death by hard ground.

It's the ultimate race

against the clock.

Why are you

telling me this?

Why would I not?

Hi, Danny.

I forgot to tell you,

they'll be telling

Ghost stories later.

You should stop by.

And as the barn door

creaked open, ever so slowly,

standing there with

the moon at his back

and holding the severed head of the

pediatrician's mother in his hand,

was Philip,

the pizza delivery boy

from when they ordered pizza

at the beginning of the story!

Come on, you guys!

All right. Whatever!

Hey, come here.

You guys

are unscareable.

Think you can do better? Who's

got a better story? Come on.

You guys are so smart. Who's

got a scarier story than me?

Yes?

So what's up?

I don't know.

What's up with you?

I know you're engaged.

I haven't forgotten.

Uh-huh.

So what's this?

Ooh.

Those are my testicles.

Yeah.

Listen, I have an

arrangement with my fianc.

I'm completely faithful to him within

the area codes of greater Los Angeles.

Out here, I'm just another

woman who's ready to cheat.

Give me two minutes.

How about you, Daniel?

You think you can top it?

It's Danny.

Oh.

Oh, Danny boy

The Danny boys are Danny boys

Come on, man! We're on pins

and needles. Give us a story.

Okay, I've got a really

good horror story,

and it's particularly

terrifying because it's true.

Oh, a true story!

In countries all over the

world, including our own,

children, many

of them just like you,

are abducted and sold

into the world of

underground sex trafficking.

What is he saying?

Okay!

I'm gonna stop you there, Danny

boy. That is a scary story.

Story time is over! Everybody,

let's break into our groups.

Group A, come with me for

Martin's midnight mystery hike.

And group B, go with Duane.

What you got on tap, Duane?

We are gonna make some

s'mores using white chocolate.

Oh.

Well, I'm not sure I agree with

that, but to each their own.

Hey, hey, Danny.

Is this all your Ambien?

Yeah.

Okay, 'cause Connie

and I are gonna take some,

and then we're gonna stay up

as late as we can,

because if you fight

the urge to go to sleep,

things start to get all trippy,

and then we're gonna f***.

Connie who's engaged.

Oh, yeah.

You know what? Don't worry about

it. We'll make do with three each.

Fight it. Come on.

Stay awake.

You know, a lot of people don't

realize that bushes, just like flowers,

emit a wonderful aroma,

especially at night.

Who wants to sniff

this bush?

So Ronnie's out on

some kind of hike.

Where's Wheeler?

He's having sex

with a married lady.

Oh.

Are you sewing?

Yeah.

This is my country's

emblem.

Do you think we can speak

in private for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

I already talked to Kuzzik

and Artonius,

and we would like to officially invite

you to be a soldier in the Xanthian army.

Well, that's very kind of you, but

I would like to respectfully decline.

I'm kind of a pacifist.

I don't really believe

in imaginary bloodshed.

But there's room in Laire

for all belief systems.

Even early barbaric

modalities have their place.

Augie, look, you're

a good kid. I like you,

but I'm not really into

the whole buddy-buddy,

let's-go-do-stuff-together

kind of thing.

Well, why are you here?

It's court-ordered.

What did you do?

I just had one of those days

where you wake up and say,

"Where did the last

I asked my girlfriend

to marry me out of impulse.

She dumped me.

And then I ran a truck that looks

like a bull into a statue of a horse.

I'm not here by choice

either, by the way.

No?

My guidance counselor

signed me up.

Really?

Yeah.

Said anyone who wears a cape and

has a sword should have more friends.

Whoop-dee-doo, right?

So both of us don't

want to be here.

No.

Well, we got that in common.

So do you have

a girlfriend?

No. What?

Why would you ask...

No, I don't have a girlfriend.

But what about that girl you're always

looking at, with the cap and the...

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Come on!

Don't bullshit me.

You're always

looking at her.

You mean Esplen,

the Goddess of Navalore?

I don't know. Probably.

Her name's Sarah.

Sarah.

Ah, Sarah.

You ever talk to her?

No.

I've killed her a couple of times in

battle, but that's not really anything.

Talk to her.

No, I can't talk to her.

Romance her. Give her that

patch of yours. She'll love it.

No, I can't give her this.

She'll be flattered!

Why not?

I made it for you.

You made that for me?

Yeah.

Great. Now I gotta do it.

Yeah, that kind

of was my plan.

That was so low, dude.

No. Come on, Connie.

Stay awake.

F***.

I gotta pee.

Yep.

Hey! Martin!

Okay.

What are you

doing out here?

I'm just doing my

perimeter check.

Hey, did you know that

dinosaurs are not extinct?

Because birds are dinosaurs,

and they're everywhere.

Okay!

Now, all right.

I gotta pee.

I really gotta pee.

Look at that.

Yo, Wheeler!

You in there?

Oh, my God.

Dude.

Nice, man.

Oh, boy.

This is a classic case

of guy on the ground.

I'm sorry.

I don't care.

Okay.

So I heard there was

some sex on the trip

and some drugs, too.

Only thing missing

was rock 'n' roll.

What was Danny doing

with those Ambiens?

He has trouble sleeping

outdoors.

How did Wheeler come to be

naked in the center of camp?

He was sleepwalking.

Danny ever offer you drugs?

Well...

Answer me.

No, ma'am.

Did Wheeler ever

expose himself to you?

Hell no!

Fellows? These young gentlemen

here have decided your fates.

If it was up to me, I'd lock you both

up, but the boys are saying you're okay.

This is your last chance.

Start acting like Bigs.

Thanks, guys.

Suck it, Reindeer Games!

I'm not Ben Affleck.

You white?

Then you Ben Affleck.

Right, Wheeler?

Yeah. You are white.

That's true,

I am white.

Let's go.

Ready to go?

Yeah. I'm ready. All right.

Excellent!

You are going down!

Don't you mess

with my dark arts.

You shall be slain.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

F*** my cock! Sorry.

I have a question, Wheeler. Yes, JJ.

How many dates do you have to go out

with a girl before you get to touch her...

B*obs?

Yeah.

Good question.

So you get

hit in the arm,

you lose your arm.

Yes.

You gotta put it behind

you, like this.

You get hit in the leg,

you lose the leg.

See you.

So you gotta hop.

You can't use it.

You gotta hop around?

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta hop.

And if you get hit in

the chest, then you're...

Lifestyle you chose

could lead to dying sad and alone? What?

What about STDs? No.

Herpes?

Gonorrhea? At the very

least, crabs. What the hell?

I don't have crabs. What have

you been telling them, Ronnie?

You got crabs.

Hi.

Come on, whitey, dance! Break

it on down! Get it funky!

He's out.

Thank you.

Yep.

Call her. Sweep

her off her feet.

It's not that easy, Augie.

Just let her know

how you feel.

Give her one call.

All right. I'II...

Just get off my back.

Did you know in

the 14th century that

knights used to write love songs

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