Role Models Page #8

That guy's black.

Right there.

You sit down,

young man.

You have

been a bad boy!

I've been bad.

And now you're gonna

have to stay after class.

Oh, man. Look.

Even though this is one of my top

four all-time fantasies, I can't, okay?

I want to, but I gotta

go find my friend.

Oh, yeah?

You sure?

Oh, my God.

Do what you need to do.

He'll be fine.

He's 10. Come here.

Let's go.

Uh-oh!

This is how it ends.

Game winner! I win!

Let's go, Michael.

Man, forget you, man.

That's booty, son.

Let's go. I'm ready.

They don't call me the king

of this game for nothing!

Wheeler, where you at?

Wheeler? Wheeler. Wheeler.

Wheeler.

So, Danny, you must be glad

that you're almost done

with your required

time with Augie.

How much time

do you have left?

Eleven, 12 hours or so.

Jeez, Augie. You're acting

like your goldfish died.

I don't have a goldfish, Jim.

You know what I mean.

You're acting like as if you

had a goldfish and it died.

Augie kind of got

screwed over today.

I killed the king, Mom.

Okay.

He killed the king.

All right. All right. Don't

encourage him. He did kill the king.

But he was lying to everyone and

told everyone that he killed me.

I don't wanna hear any more

about your Dungeons & Dragons

or your fruity Cocoa Puffs...

It's all fairyland

with him.

We're trying to keep it...

We're trying to keep it real.

The Goddess of Navalore

saw me cry, Mom.

Hey, Augie, when I was a

little kid, I accidentally

crapped my pants

in front of a girl I liked,

so I feel your pain.

Well, he likes girls. That's a

good thing. That's a surprise to me.

Doesn't matter anyway.

He got me kicked out.

What?

What? You're kidding me.

They can kick you out?

Yeah, I'm banned.

This is a great thing.

Way to go, big guy.

Does this mean

we can finally get rid

of those boots

and that God-awful cape that you made

out of my tablecloth? I'm so sick of this.

I'll burn them up in a...

We'll have a bonfire.

We'll make a thing of it.

Don't you want him to wear

what makes him happy?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Yes.

You know when I want him to

wear what makes him happy?

On October 31st.

Halloween, go nuts.

Wear lipstick.

I don't care.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, dress like a nun.

Sure.

We're gonna have

a celebration

to celebrate you joining

the rest of the world.

Becoming a normal kid.

He is a normal kid.

You think he's normal?

Yeah, I think he's normal.

You think he's normal.

He's normal.

When I was his age,

I had four, five girlfriends at

one time. Didn't I tell you that?

He was f***ing

his cousin.

I wasn't f***ing

my cousin. I...

We kissed, because I didn't

know she was my cousin,

but when I found out, I stopped

kissing her, but I f***ed her friends.

I f***ed my

cousin's friends.

I think that Augie is just having

kind of a tough time in life,

which sounds pretty normal

to me. Life is tough.

It is tough. But you know

what? This is my point.

It's tougher when you...

With parents like you?

Excuse me?

What did you just say?

I said it is tough, but I think

it's tougher with parents like you.

I thought that's

what you just said.

I don't know

how you do it, kid.

I mean, I thought my life sucked.

Jesus Christ, I really feel for you.

Okay. That's enough.

Don't listen to

them, all right?

Do what makes you happy. You

want to wear a cape? Wear a cape.

You want to wear a suit

of armor? Who gives a sh*t?

You know what? I would never

have invited you over for moussaka

if I'd known you were gonna

be such a prick. Excuse me.

Augie, screw them.

Do what makes you happy.

Hey. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do what

makes you happy. Hey, buddy...

I'd like you to

leave now, please.

I figure you're probably

not gonna sign my

hours sheet now.

Go f*** yourself.

That's what I thought.

Hey, Augie, I'm sorry.

Get the hell out.

I'd be psyched if he was my kid. Please.

And you know what,

sweetheart?

It's not that we're not

psyched that you're our kid.

We're psyched. I'm so

psyched, I can't stand it.

Your mom's psyched

that you're her kid.

May I please

be excused, Mom?

Hey. Where's Ronnie?

Who's Ronnie, dude?

Oh, sh*t. Ronnie!

Ronnie.

What's up, man?

Hey. How you doing?

Ro-Ro.

Anybody see the

little kid I was with?

This is Karen,

Ronnie's mother.

Ronnie was supposed to be

home a few hours ago.

This is Karen again.

Can you guys please call me

and let me know where you are?

Ronnie just got in. He walked

all the way home. What the hell...

You're out.

Look...

You're out.

Look...

No, no, no, no. It's over.

You blew it. It's done. Okay?

I hear what you're saying. We're

very sorry, but we're 11 hours short.

And you're gonna stay 11 hours

short, okay? I don't know.

Parents don't want you hanging around

with their kids for some reason.

So you BSed a BSer.

Good for you! I hope you feel

good about yourself, God damn it!

You know, I could be

back in New York

doing cocaine in the

Village, but I'm not.

You know why?

Kids come first.

They don't come

first for you, do they?

They come second

to your selfishness.

So why don't you

two guys go home,

put down some lines

of selfishness,

which is your blow,

close the shades, take

the phone off the hook,

grab a straw and snort?

And don't expect me

to testify on your behalf.

You're not Sturdy Wings

material.

I think you guys are gonna

have to go to jail.

The only thing we can do now

is make a case at the hearing

that you did your best.

It's gonna take some serious

lawyering on my part.

Yeah. Beth, please.

Lawyer the sh*t out of it.

I just can't promise

anything.

Yes, Wheeler?

Question.

Maybe a stupid one, but

I'm just spit-balling here.

The Get Out of Jail Free

card,

is that based on

something that exists or...

That wasn't

a stupid question.

That's real.

It's real in the

game of Monopoly.

Yeah, it's based

on true events.

How... What do you mean?

Chance.

I can't believe

we're going to jail.

Believe it.

Hey, maybe you'll

roll doubles. You know?

If not, you just

miss three turns.

Game face, bro.

I told you.

Game face.

Enough with the

game face, all right?

This isn't beach volleyball.

Is it not? Because,

if you think about it,

the net is like your goals

in life, and you are the ball.

And you can spike the ball

down, or you, over the net.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Then you go into sidelines.

It's bad enough

I'm going to jail.

I can't take it anymore

with you yapping away.

Yap, yap, yip, yip.

"Bang your drum, bro. "

Maybe I should be like you.

"I hate myself, yet I'm

better than everyone. "

You're one to talk. You

took a 10-year-old to a party

and left him so you

could go get a blow job.

Hey.

It wasn't a blow job.

We f***ed.

Please! Watch

your language!

Sorry.

Sorry.

You are an

S- H-I-T-T-Y friend.

He can spell.

I'm not your friend.

Oh.

You wanna go?

Stop it!

There you go, Danny.

Now you got no friends.

Sorry.

Hello?

Hey, Ro-Ro. It's Wheeler.

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