Rough Night Page #3

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I'm Jess's best friend.

And so it's sort of like

we're all already best friends, you know?

Well, it's a little different for us,

sorry to interrupt,

but, uh, Jess and I were

freshman year roommates,

so it's kind of like family. Eh.

- I know, I know.

- Um, okay, I'm going to grab a chair.

Feel free to gel.

Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.

Ooh. I'm famished.

- Do you want my leftovers?

- Oh, shoot. We just finished.

No, I was gonna wrap that up

and take it to go.

I think we're done. Check, please!

It's okay. I'm just gonna take

some of this bread from the bread basket.

When you got bread and Vegemite,

you got yourself a meal.

What? Vegemite?

They should call you cuckoos

instead of Kiwis.

Am I right?

- Alice.

- Oh, my God.

That's funny on several levels,

because I'm actually Australian

and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.

There's nothing wrong with being a Kiwi,

we all love Kiwis,

but, um, it's sort of like calling

a Chinese person Japanese.

It's just sort of like, little bit racist

to not recognize the cultural

differences there, you know?

Oh, my gosh.

Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.

I'll take it.

Pippa, what do you do?

Well, singer-songwriter is the dream.

Uh, party clown is the reality.

- Hmm.

- Check. Just, anyone, a check.

A chair.

Oh, a chair.

Right.

I'm so excited to see you.

It's been so long.

- Tell me everything.

- I'm dying.

The flight was literally amazoir.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, da-dang, ding, ding.

Uh, it's toast, toast time.

Oh.

Raise your glasses, Jess.

Gosh, I can't believe

you're getting married.

Feels like just yesterday

you were showing me

how to hide that cat scratch on my face

with that cover-up.

I remember that.

And even though we don't

get to see you all the time

because you're so busy

with Peter and the campaign

and changing your Brita filters

or whatever it is you white people do,

I love you,

and you're my best friend.

Uh... To me and Jess.

- Be-cheers.

- Cheers. Again.

I love you, Alice. Thank you.

Three toasts is the limit tonight, though.

You're cut off.

If you're gonna do another one, do it now,

'cause I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Do you want to come?

- Why would I come with you?

It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.

Okay, guys,

no one responded to my emails

about which club we were gonna go to,

so I printed out the top

10 according to Yelp.

I have my personal favorite,

but I don't want to sway anyone, so...

- Is it the one that's circled in big red?

- Yeah.

I was kind of hoping that

we could make it an early night.

Yeah, right. What?

- That doesn't feel right.

- No, I'm just so exhausted.

I mean, I've been so overworked...

No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?

'Cause this is the biggest weekend

of our lives, all right?

Ooh, girls. Ooh, girls.

Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.

- You f***ing what?

- What?

America. Already?

Sort of right on the nose.

- Yes, okay, now we're talking.

- Ba-bam! Booyah!

Now, okay, I'm in. I'm in.

Okay, guys, I can't do any cocaine.

I'm running for office.

What? No one's gonna find out

you did a little coke...

- Stop.

- Did a little coke at your bachelorette.

I haven't really done drugs

myself since I sort of...

I smoked this bit of shoji root

on an excursion in the desert, and I died.

Anyway, I'm very jet-lagged,

so I will do cocaine, yes.

- So everyone's in? Yep?

- Dope, dope, dope.

You guys, hold on. I don't know.

Stop being a stupid f***ing c*nt

and do a little f***ing cocaine!

Jesus, Frankie.

Sorry, I did a little bit of it.

Jess.

It would mean...

Yeah.

It would mean so much to me,

if we could do a little

bit of cocaine together.

So disgusting!

- Let me get a little more.

- Yep.

Before, I was very tired,

and now I'm sort of very awake.

That's the cocaine.

- I figured.

- Yeah.

I love this. I love Miami!

- Yeah, girl!

- Miami!

Whoo!

Okay, now put on these f***ing sashes.

Trouble

I don't look for trouble,

but trouble looks for me

And it's been waiting

around corners since I was 17

They say, "Here comes a hurricane

Trouble is her middle name"

But I don't look for trouble,

yeah, trouble looks for me

Hey, hey

I just want to live a quiet life

I'll make an excellent wife

Man, I swear I really try

But some boys, they just can't eat it whole

Trouble is my name, you know

Trouble is my name, you know

- Thank you!

- All right.

Mmm.

Oh, my God!

Yes, yes, yes!

- Oh, my God!

- No, no, no.

Man, it smells like barf over here.

- Let's get the f*** out of here.

- God!

Blurry

Blurry, blurry

Blurry

Blurry, blurry

Knock 'em back, one, two

But it's gettin' kinda blurry

Get blurry with it

Got my eyes on you

But you're gettin' kinda blurry,

no hurry with it

Rock your body, and it all makes sense

Got me up under your influence

I'm getting us drinks.

Knockout blurry, no worries

You guys, you guys,

let's get Jess a stripper!

- Yes!

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

Right?

You guys, you guys, you guys,

male or female, though?

Male. I'm thinking male for her.

- Yeah.

- Okay, I got it.

Frankie, do you have a tampon?

- I need one.

- Uh-huh, yup.

- Thank you.

- Got one. Here we go.

What day of your flow are you on?

Oh, no, no. It's our code.

In college, we would

ask each other for tampons

if some guy was skeezing us out

and we wanted to be saved.

You just say "tampon," and they run.

Oh, my God, I love that.

I used to use tampons,

but now I use David cups.

- You mean DivaCups.

- No, no, David.

They were designed by my neighbor, David,

to collect blood for an art

installation he's doing.

Let's stop talking about periods now.

Cool.

All right, everybody, we have a special

request from a Caucasian named

Alice!

That's me. I'm Caucasian Alice.

Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.

Jess, come on. Come on.

Give her the drinks. Go on.

Girls, get up there.

We won the talent show freshman year

with this little routine.

Might want to stand back.

No, physically, get back!

Okay.

If you didn't go to college with us,

you're not in the routine.

Okay, get into places.

All you ladies pop your p*ssy like this

Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss

All you ladies pop your p*ssy like this

Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss

Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now

Lick it good, suck this p*ssy

- Just like you should

- Yeah!

My neck, my back,

lick my p*ssy and my crack

My neck, my back, lick

my p*ssy and my crack

My neck, my back,

lick my p*ssy and my crack

You're doing so good!

Lick it now, lick it good

- Lick this pussyjust like you should

- Come on

Right now, lick it good

These are my new friends.

My neck, my back, lick

Jess, Jess, Jess!

Oh!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, my God.

Are you okay? You all right?

Did anybody see me fall?

- Everybody saw. Everybody saw.

- No. Well, yeah.

- Alice! You fell!

- Yeah.

It was be-gorgeous!

Jess, you were supposed to catch me.

You know, I forgot that one part.

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