Rough Night Page #5

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the hands of a bunch of women.

Yeah, white women.

I'm black, in case any

of you have forgotten.

I think the only person

who's forgotten that is you.

How dare you.

I rest my case.

I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.

What? No.

This can still be the best

weekend of our f***ing lives!

Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right?

Smile more.

Okay, we're gonna be fine.

- We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right.

- Definitely.

We need to make this seem

as innocent as possible,

so let's get rid of all the drugs.

I'm on it.

Alice, not by doing them!

Okay, someone tell me what to do,

and I will do it.

Uh?

What the...

- Oh. Oh.

- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

It's pizza.

You guys, what are we gonna do?

The house is made of glass. He can see in.

We got to move him, you guys.

Do it, do it, do it.

Go, go, go.

Wait, wait, wait, you guys.

You guys, you guys, you guys,

wait, wait, wait. One second.

Watch the couch.

- Sh*t.

- Somebody answer the door.

Does anyone have cash for a tip?

I have Australian dollars.

They're stronger than American dollars.

Castelucci Pizza.

- What's this?

- Leave.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, f***.

I was natural.

Okay, open it.

Open it up.

Oh, yes.

How can you eat right now?

Eating is the number one way

people deal with stress, okay?

Don't give me sh*t.

You guys want some?

- Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second.

- I'll have a slice. Yeah.

Okay, I think now it's time for us

to call the cops, yeah?

Wait, wait, wait.

I think we should call a lawyer first,

so we know exactly what to say

during the interrogation.

- Okay.

- Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?

We're gonna be interrogated?

We are 100% gonna be interrogated.

Somebody died in a sketchy way.

They're gonna separate

us into little cells,

you know, with swinging lights.

The coppers are gonna try

to crack us, f***ing pigs!

Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.

Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.

He was on the team

that defended Bernie Madoff.

- Ah, thank God.

- Thank God.

Wait. We should use a burner phone

so there's no record.

- Good idea.

- That's actually a good point.

- Sh*t!

- What, Alice?

The foam party!

Should I sell our passes?

Wow.

You're right. Let's play it by ear.

Smart, Jess.

Oh, sh*t! Peter!

- Okay.

- I forgot to call him when I got home.

- Do not answer that.

- I have to.

- No!

- Jess. Jess, stop.

Hello!

- Hey, babe.

- Hi. How's it going?

- Stop.

- Are you home safe? You never called.

- Hang up. Hang up.

- Yeah, I am.

Yeah, everything's great.

Did you do whippets again?

You sound really weird.

- What?

- Is everything all right?

- Hang up. Hang up. Hang up.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- Peter, something really bad happened.

- No.

- What?

- No, this guy came over.

He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.

- A prostitute?

- And we were drunk,

and coked up, and I don't know what to do.

About what? The wedding?

Jess, do you still want to get married?

- You can't, you can't...

- No!

Jess!

I can't believe you just did that.

We can't talk to anybody

until we consult with a lawyer.

She's right. You know what,

I'm collecting everyone's phones

until we know what the plan is.

- Agreed?

- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

- Yes.

- Agreed.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Fine.

- Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me.

- Give it.

Thank you.

Okay, so we got to get this burner phone

from a convenience store.

- Smart.

- Yeah, good idea.

Frankie and I can go.

- Great.

- Um...

- Or, like, anybody else could go.

- Why?

- Do we argue?

- We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.

- It's true, but...

- No. I think that we debate,

which is a normal part of talking.

That's funny. That's the same

thing, debating and arguing.

- It's semantics.

- "Semantics."

Wow, I didn't realize

I was talking to a wordsmith.

- They used to be lovers, yeah?

- Three syllables.

I'm a wordsmith 'cause

I read the news regularly.

- Is it that obvious?

- Oh, my God.

- I'm too busy shopping, right?

- I have a sort of a sense of these things.

Also, she's been fixated on her nips.

Just because I don't use

Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,

by the way, does not work...

I don't use Tom's deodorant...

- It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it?

- Into my body.

Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.

- Uh-huh.

- She sounds very strange.

I know something's wrong immediately.

And then, finally, she admits it.

She says something really bad

happened with a prostitute.

- Ooh!

- That does not mean she cheated.

But if she was going to cheat,

this is when she would do it.

- Oh, God.

- Miami, bachelorette party.

- It's pretty classic.

- Mmm...

It's not cheating if it's

with a prostitute. Technically.

- What?

- What? Yes, it is.

Look, guys, we have

to have realistic attitudes

about sexual exclusivity.

Whatever. It doesn't

even matter, because...

I asked her if she still

wanted to get married.

She screamed "no" and then she hung up!

So, guess what, guys,

there's no wedding for you to go to,

so return your tuxes.

No!

- No. Hell, no.

- Fine, keep your tuxes,

but my wedding's off.

It's not a shock, right?

I mean, buddy, I love you,

you're one of my best friends,

but you're a six and she's a...

Twenty.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- He can hear you.

Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.

- I'm feeling dizzy, I'm...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Oh, my God.

I knew I shouldn't date out of my league,

I knew it.

When she first asked me out,

I thought it was a prank.

I could feel her pulling away,

but I thought it was work.

- I'm gonna be sick.

- No, no, no.

- Give him some Madeira.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.

- Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup.

- Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!

Yes!

This is so stupid.

Yeah, but this way no one can

definitively ID our face.

Old people. Perfect.

Any brand is fine.

What's that on your face?

A detoxifying mud mask.

Look, we need a burner phone, okay?

- Here's some cash.

- Again, a burner phone,

and you can find that behind the counter.

- Okay. We heard you.

- Inside.

You baby boomers are so demanding.

I know.

- Jesus. Come on, Ma.

- I'm sick and tired of this sh*t.

I can't believe he's dead.

- And it's, like, all my fault.

- No, no.

It really is a tragedy, you know?

He could have been a scientist

that was gonna cure cancer or something.

- It's nice of you to say.

- Yeah.

Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?

- Oh, my God, he's...

- Yeah. Yeah.

He's looking at me, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Hi, baby boy.

Mummy Hubbard's here.

She's gonna send you home.

Okay.

Sleep now.

Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no.

- Okay, why don't we...

- I don't like it, I don't like it,

- I don't like it.

- Guys, I got it.

- I got it.

- I'm done.

- I'm done.

- There we go.

He looks good, right?

Totally.

- Oh, my God, Jess.

- What?

Look at this ring.

It's even bigger in real life

than it is on Skype.

- Yeah, he did a good job.

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