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Rough Night Page #5
the hands of a bunch of women.
Yeah, white women.
I'm black, in case any
of you have forgotten.
I think the only person
who's forgotten that is you.
How dare you.
I rest my case.
I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.
What? No.
This can still be the best
weekend of our f***ing lives!
Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right?
Smile more.
Okay, we're gonna be fine.
- We're gonna call the cops, but Jess is right.
- Definitely.
We need to make this seem
as innocent as possible,
so let's get rid of all the drugs.
I'm on it.
Alice, not by doing them!
Okay, someone tell me what to do,
and I will do it.
Uh?
What the...
- Oh. Oh.
- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
It's pizza.
You guys, what are we gonna do?
The house is made of glass. He can see in.
We got to move him, you guys.
Do it, do it, do it.
Go, go, go.
Wait, wait, wait, you guys.
You guys, you guys, you guys,
wait, wait, wait. One second.
Watch the couch.
- Sh*t.
Does anyone have cash for a tip?
I have Australian dollars.
They're stronger than American dollars.
Castelucci Pizza.
- What's this?
- Leave.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, f***.
I was natural.
Okay, open it.
Open it up.
Oh, yes.
How can you eat right now?
Eating is the number one way
people deal with stress, okay?
Don't give me sh*t.
You guys want some?
- Oh, yeah, I'd go for a slice. One second.
- I'll have a slice. Yeah.
Okay, I think now it's time for us
to call the cops, yeah?
Wait, wait, wait.
I think we should call a lawyer first,
so we know exactly what to say
during the interrogation.
- Okay.
- Wait, I'm sorry, what's going on?
We're gonna be interrogated?
We are 100% gonna be interrogated.
Somebody died in a sketchy way.
They're gonna separate
us into little cells,
you know, with swinging lights.
to crack us, f***ing pigs!
Okay, let's definitely call a lawyer, then.
Oh, my God. My Uncle Jack.
He was on the team
- Ah, thank God.
- Thank God.
Wait. We should use a burner phone
so there's no record.
- Good idea.
- That's actually a good point.
- Sh*t!
- What, Alice?
The foam party!
Should I sell our passes?
Wow.
You're right. Let's play it by ear.
Smart, Jess.
Oh, sh*t! Peter!
- Okay.
- I forgot to call him when I got home.
- Do not answer that.
- I have to.
- No!
- Jess. Jess, stop.
Hello!
- Hey, babe.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Stop.
- Are you home safe? You never called.
- Hang up. Hang up.
- Yeah, I am.
Yeah, everything's great.
Did you do whippets again?
- What?
- Is everything all right?
- Hang up. Hang up. Hang up.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- Peter, something really bad happened.
- No.
- What?
- No, this guy came over.
He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.
- A prostitute?
- And we were drunk,
and coked up, and I don't know what to do.
About what? The wedding?
Jess, do you still want to get married?
- You can't, you can't...
- No!
Jess!
I can't believe you just did that.
We can't talk to anybody
until we consult with a lawyer.
She's right. You know what,
I'm collecting everyone's phones
until we know what the plan is.
- Agreed?
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
- Yes.
- Agreed.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Fine.
- Well, I have a game on it that relaxes me.
- Give it.
Thank you.
Okay, so we got to get this burner phone
from a convenience store.
- Smart.
- Yeah, good idea.
Frankie and I can go.
- Great.
- Um...
- Or, like, anybody else could go.
- Why?
- Do we argue?
- We bicker. Yeah, we bicker.
- It's true, but...
- No. I think that we debate,
which is a normal part of talking.
That's funny. That's the same
thing, debating and arguing.
- It's semantics.
- "Semantics."
Wow, I didn't realize
I was talking to a wordsmith.
- They used to be lovers, yeah?
- Three syllables.
I'm a wordsmith 'cause
I read the news regularly.
- Is it that obvious?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm too busy shopping, right?
- I have a sort of a sense of these things.
Also, she's been fixated on her nips.
Just because I don't use
Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,
by the way, does not work...
I don't use Tom's deodorant...
- It's kind of nasty to watch, isn't it?
- Into my body.
Yeah, so, I call. She picks up.
- Uh-huh.
- She sounds very strange.
I know something's wrong immediately.
And then, finally, she admits it.
happened with a prostitute.
- Ooh!
- That does not mean she cheated.
But if she was going to cheat,
this is when she would do it.
- Oh, God.
- Miami, bachelorette party.
- It's pretty classic.
- Mmm...
It's not cheating if it's
with a prostitute. Technically.
- What?
- What? Yes, it is.
Look, guys, we have
to have realistic attitudes
about sexual exclusivity.
Whatever. It doesn't
even matter, because...
I asked her if she still
wanted to get married.
She screamed "no" and then she hung up!
So, guess what, guys,
there's no wedding for you to go to,
so return your tuxes.
No!
- No. Hell, no.
- Fine, keep your tuxes,
but my wedding's off.
It's not a shock, right?
I mean, buddy, I love you,
you're one of my best friends,
but you're a six and she's a...
Twenty.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- He can hear you.
Oh, I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.
- I'm feeling dizzy, I'm...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, my God.
I knew I shouldn't date out of my league,
I knew it.
I thought it was a prank.
I could feel her pulling away,
but I thought it was work.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- No, no, no.
- Give him some Madeira.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Peter, that's it. Just take a sip.
- Chug-a-lug. Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- Oh, I'll get you a soft cheese!
Yes!
This is so stupid.
Yeah, but this way no one can
definitively ID our face.
Old people. Perfect.
Any brand is fine.
What's that on your face?
A detoxifying mud mask.
Look, we need a burner phone, okay?
- Here's some cash.
- Again, a burner phone,
and you can find that behind the counter.
- Okay. We heard you.
- Inside.
You baby boomers are so demanding.
I know.
- Jesus. Come on, Ma.
- I'm sick and tired of this sh*t.
I can't believe he's dead.
- And it's, like, all my fault.
- No, no.
It really is a tragedy, you know?
He could have been a scientist
that was gonna cure cancer or something.
- It's nice of you to say.
- Yeah.
Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?
- Oh, my God, he's...
- Yeah. Yeah.
He's looking at me, right?
Mmm-hmm.
Hi, baby boy.
Mummy Hubbard's here.
She's gonna send you home.
Okay.
Sleep now.
Oh, no. Jesus, no. No, no, no.
- Okay, why don't we...
- I don't like it, I don't like it,
- I don't like it.
- Guys, I got it.
- I got it.
- I'm done.
- I'm done.
- There we go.
He looks good, right?
Totally.
- Oh, my God, Jess.
- What?
Look at this ring.
It's even bigger in real life
than it is on Skype.
- Yeah, he did a good job.
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"Rough Night" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/rough_night_17185>.
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