Rough Night Page #8

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it's Jess. Leave a message.

Jess!

Yes!

- Ho!

- Oh.

Um, I would love

a copy of the tape, you know,

for, like, jerking off later, whatever.

Me, too. What's the tape?

The tape. The, uh...

The naughty tape we just made.

You know, the DVD or the...

You know, from the cameras.

Oh. Those don't work.

- Excuse me, what?

- Yeah, they don't work, like she said.

But we know that's not what this was about.

Right? This was fantasy fulfillment.

- Creating a mise en scne.

- I'm sorry. Why, um...

Why would someone have

security cameras that don't work?

They didn't charge us

for the first three months.

After that, we didn't want

to pay for the service.

You know, they keep out the riffraff.

You'll just have to jerk

off as the Italians do.

- To your memories.

- Mmm.

Wait, so, Blair, so there's no footage?

No.

- Ah!

- Oh, my gosh. So we're in the clear!

That is... That's great.

- Yeah.

- She was so intuitive.

She was inside me.

And then she was outside me.

And then she was me.

- So, we're good.

- Almost, except I probably have HPV now.

Whatever. We all have HPV.

Oh, uh, I mean, I don't have HPV.

Alice, they say if you had sex

after the year 1991, you have HPV.

Then, I mean, I definitely have HPV then.

I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.

Cool. Uh, let's clean up

and get the hell out of here.

- Okay.

- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?

I call it housework

'Cause it's light work

- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?

- I'm-a throw shapes

Feeling the bass till my feet hurt

I call it housework, 'cause it's light work

- Whatcha, whatcha gon' do?

- But I'm-a throw shade

If I don't get paid for this housework

Would you come along

Oh, with my friends

And to leave, I'm working

- Every weekend

- Housework

Wow.

- Okay.

- Looks pretty good.

- We did good.

- Got it.

- Yes. Nice. High five, everyone.

- Lovely.

Whatcha gon' do, gon' do?

This child is not my son.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sh*t. My pants.

I don't have time for this.

Good evening, Officer.

How can I be of service to you?

- Sir, you been drinking?

- Absolutely not.

I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening,

Italian reds mostly,

but you don't really drink it,

you mostly spit.

You take sips and you spit into a bucket.

What the... All right, sir, I'm gonna ask

you to get out of the vehicle.

- No.

- Now!

- Officer...

- Now!

Hands. Move slow.

Officer, I can explain.

She's a 20!

Okay, before we go,

we got to do human friendtipede, yeah?

- What?

- Alice.

- No way.

- Yes.

- It's tradition.

- Alice, quick "Q."

What is a human friendtipede?

It's a photo we always take

that's like the movie Human Centipede.

Where they're sewn together,

mouth to anus, but it's with friends,

- so it's special.

- Come on now, Alice.

- I don't know about that.

- I feel like not the appropriate...

Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures

from this weekend,

it's gonna look suspicious.

Like we killed someone.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think we should

do the human friendtipede.

- Yes!

- But we cannot photograph the crime scene.

Okay. I get the middle.

Why do you want the middle?

Okay. Oh, my God, amazoir.

Say "friendtipede."

Friendtipede!

Cute.

Yes!

- Let's see it.

- It's ridiculous.

- Alice, stop. You look really pretty.

- No, look!

- Oh, my God.

- No! Come on! No!

- Oh, sh*t! Damn it!

- Is that our guy?

- Are you kidding me?

- Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

God,

I thought you weighed him down.

I did. I put rocks in his pockets.

I guess his pants fell off.

Men need to wear belts.

Yeah. How dare they not sink

when we murder them.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,

N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

Okay.

Did you see that?

- You only had to walk a straight line.

- I know. I just followed my body.

- Are you a dancer or...

- No.

I've never done anything

like that before in my life.

I still got to give you a speeding ticket.

Please. That's great.

Slow down.

- Thank you, Officer.

- I almost shot you.

I know. That was nuts.

Also, don't shoot anybody.

We can't get rid of his body

in broad daylight, you guys.

We have to think of something. Come on.

Ideas?

Kiwi! You up?

Yeah. Yeah.

- We need everyone's brain on this, so...

- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So, um, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go to the beach

and do a bit of mindful meditation.

And, um, when I come back,

I'm gonna have a be-genius idea.

Yeah? All right.

We got it.

We're never gonna

get rid of his body.

He's gonna follow us around

for the rest of our lives.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, no.

Police!

- Sh*t.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Do you think the neighbors called them?

Maybe they got suspicious.

- Oh, my God.

- Police! Open up! Now!

Women, this is my world.

I will handle this. I got you.

Turn out the lights and hide.

Oh, good evening, Officer.

Step aside, miss.

What's this all about?

Put your hands where I can see them.

Officer, I am cooperating.

You see? Hello.

Get your hands against the wall.

- I am not...

- Get your hands against the wall!

I am taking a passive stance.

My body is limp for you!

Spread them.

What are you doing? No.

No! No!

- F***!

- Jesus!

- Frankie! Frankie!

- Oh, my God.

Now we have a dead guy

and an unconscious cop?

- What is wrong with you?

- Are you kidding me?

He's obviously a rape cop.

This is what they do!

When they have dirt on you,

they sexually assault you,

knowing you won't report it.

- Daniel Holtzclaw, Oklahoma City?

- Who?

He sexually assaulted eight women.

Like Matt Dillon in Crash.

- Oh, my God, that was horrendous.

- What a nightmare.

Information is power, guys.

I mean it. I mean it.

Okay, chill out. You're from Brentwood,

and your dad used to be

John Mayer's accountant.

Okay. "You are not your father's daughters

but mothers unto your own."

Wait, is that John Mayer?

It's Malcolm X.

- Pretty sure it's John Mayer.

- Fathers, fathers

Okay, you guys, you guys,

we have to move this guy

before the neighbors return

to eat Blair out again.

I'd be fine with that.

- All right.

- F***.

All right, one, two, three.

Uh...

Frankie, how many strippers did you order?

Just the one.

Then who's this guy?

- Let me see his dick real quick.

- Good call.

- Wait, what?

- The stripper I ordered had a dick pic

in his ad. No face.

- But I can ID him by his member.

- Cool. Okay.

I'm not sure.

He had a boner in his ad.

This one's soft.

I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.

- What? No. No, no, no, no.

- Stop. No, wait. Stop, please.

Okay, yes. This is the stripper I ordered.

This is Scotty with the Body.

Then who did we kill?

- Hello?

- This is Banknorth.

We have detected unusual activity

on your account.

If you have attempted a purchase at

Quickie Stop in Port St. Lucie,

please press one.

Thank you for pressing two.

Your card has been suspended

due to unusual activity.

No. No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- How's that?

- Yeah, that's good.

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